My dad

Martok · January 19, 2020, 12:03:39 AM

Thank you, guys. I don't think I can express how much your words of kindness & support mean to me.

Quote from: W8taminute on January 17, 2020, 07:24:28 PM
Jason well stated. I understand where you're coming from.

Martok I'm so sorry to hear this news. Your story sounds amazingly similar to mine. My father is also on some sort of chemo that is designed not to eliminate the cancer in his lymph nodes but only slow it down. Like you I'm facing the possibility that the man who loved, taught, and raised me will probably be gone by summer. My advice to you is what I'm trying to do despite the busy things everyday living throws at you is to spend as much time as possible with your dad. Even if only on the phone it means a lot. When the day comes I know it will hit like a ton of bricks but for now I try to show him strength and never reveal the worry I have for him.

For whatever it's worth, whether you believe in anything spiritual or not, I believe there is life here-after. We will all meet up again someday in a better place. Keep the faith!

Thanks, W8taminute. I'm truly sorry that you're going through the same/similar situation; gods knows it's a hard thing to endure. My thoughts for you, your father, and your family.

Quote from: airboy on January 18, 2020, 05:06:38 PM
^ The worst is when a parent loses their mind, forgets you, and stays alive. That happened to my Mom. Dad was in a lot of pain and became largely immobile - but he was still Dad up to the end.

That is one thing I'm grateful for: my dad is still himself.

I've worried he might end up like my grandmother (his mom) who passed away a couple years ago: suffering from dementia, but possessing just enough awareness of what was going on to feel lost and terrified until she died. It was an unpleasant way to go, and not something I could wish on my worst enemy.

Fortunately, this cancer mostly seems to just attack the internal organs, and generally leaves the nervous system (including the brain) alone. Fingers crossed it stays that way.

SirAndrewD · January 19, 2020, 12:14:45 AM

I was fortunate that both my parents stayed cogent until the end.

It was hardest with my Mom because she fought hard against cancer for two years, and the damage it did to her was so horrific I haven't ever talked to anyone about it in detail. But I still hold the last years we had dear.

Dad went pretty fast after his diagnosis, and his wife refused to let me come around anyway in her bizarre and sadly successful attempt to isolate him from his family. But we got to talk on the phone near the end and there wasn't anything left unsaid.

I can't tell you how to process it, but it was important to me that I had the time to talk and say the things I needed.

I think I can just speak for all of us saying cancer sucks.

Anguille · January 19, 2020, 02:39:44 AM

Dear Martok,

I am very sorry to hear this about your dead. I wish you and your family a lot of courage.

I was yesterday at the funeral of the dad of one my best friends. He was in good shape until september last year. In October, while starting the Hunting season, he started to feel weaker. He was diagnosed with cancer in October i think. It can happen so fast. Another friend's mother also died this month from a heart attack...we have a strange destiny

Martok · January 21, 2020, 02:52:30 AM

Thanks again, guys; thank you, Anguille.

Went and visited with my brother & sister last night (they stayed at my mom's house). My dad has been randomly advising us on how he wants certain things distributed, taken care of, etc. (i.e., he wants me to have all his books, since I'm the "bibliophile" out of us three kids), so we siblings ended up having a somewhat deeper discussion about happens afterwards -- cleaning out his house, dispensing/selling his stuff (we'll probably be donating quite a few items), who's the executor of our father's estate (we think it's my brother, but we're not sure), etc.

And the whole time we feel horrible for even having the conversation, as our father is still breathing. Argh.

besilarius · January 21, 2020, 08:49:40 AM

Martok, we went through that as well.
Going through the paperwork now will save you endless headaches later. In particular with any investments and insurance. Insurance companies, and firms like Fidelity, are very happy to accept your money, but don't make it easy to get the money out. Also, it may be a good idea to ask your dad about all his accounts. Insurance companies won't reach out to see why he is not responding. On a good day, ask him if he has any accounts, safe deposit boxes, or such that you don't know of.
It sounds like you three are amicably working through this, and that is a real blessing.

Sir Slash · January 21, 2020, 11:50:35 AM

Planning ahead can really be a help because after no one feels like discussing sensitive issues very much. Don't let this tragedy cause your family to loose it's unity and togetherness at this very difficult time like so many families do. People react to loss differently and no one should judge anyone's withdrawal or reluctance to participate as lack of caring. People just handle loss differently and everyone's especially sensitive at time like this. And it's not what your Father would've wanted for your family. This can be among the toughest things a family can go through so everyone should try to be as understanding as possible. Hope all goes well for you all Brother.

Martok · January 23, 2020, 02:22:30 PM

Just got off the phone with my mom. The hospice staff are pretty sure he's going today or tomorrow. Am calling work now to let them know.

I admit I feel caught a bit flat-footed; he's gone downhill even faster than I anticipated (and that was already pretty damn fast). Fuck, I'm not ready for this, guys.

Gusington · January 23, 2020, 02:42:55 PM

We are here for you.

W8taminute · January 23, 2020, 04:40:37 PM

Martok our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anguille · January 23, 2020, 04:59:40 PM

We are here for you...

SirAndrewD · January 23, 2020, 05:08:34 PM

You can never be ready for it, but I know you'll make it through. We'll help however we can.

JasonPratt · January 23, 2020, 06:27:16 PM

Be strong, be strong, and may you (and your family) be strengthened.

airboy · January 23, 2020, 07:05:44 PM

I've prayed for your Dad and your family.

Martok · January 23, 2020, 11:48:15 PM

Thanks, everyone. Your support means a lot.

Sir Slash · January 23, 2020, 11:54:27 PM

One more piece of advice then I'll shut-up I promise. We all wanted to be at Dad's side when he passed but it turned out he left us when none of us were in the room with him. My Sister had real problems with this but I've talked to Hospice nurses who tell me it's actually quite common. The thought is the Loved One will sense those close at hand and linger to remain with them. So by being at Dad's side, we were actually prolonging his suffering in one way of looking at it.

Give your Father some time by himself to pass peacefully and don't blame yourself for not being there. You all were there when it really counted I'm sure.