GrogHeads Forum

these were sent to me by my father-in-law


# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."

The woman looks at the man and asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

He looks at her and says, "Absolutely."

They rush into the bushes, hand-in-hand, and excessive grunting and thrashing can be heard. A half hour later, he steps out, looks at the park clock and calls back into the bushes, "Okay, time's half up. Now you hold the pigeons while I sh*t on them!"

Q: Why can't engineers tell jokes timing?

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three.

One to screw the lightbulb in and two to sing a folk song about it.

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, you're a grasshopper! You know, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Murray?"

Mongolia dessert:  Ghengis Flan!

Tom Ricks tells this story over at Foreign Policy (http://ricks.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2012/02/02/petraeus_s_cannibal_joke_who_ate_the_sergeant)

QuoteFrom a recent speech by Gen. David Petraeus (USA, ret.) to the Reserve Officers Association:

Speaking of reservists, up front I wanted to share with you a story from a recently declassified operation that took place in the Pacific Ocean area, an operation that, for the press, has been unreported until today. During this particular operation, one of our best reserve units was deployed to perform a sensitive mission on a desert island where they had to hire some local inhabitants as scouts and translators. It turned out, however, that the locals were cannibals.

So the commander, who in his civilian life was an expert in foreign languages and in dealing with different cultures and...made a point of speaking to them before the contract was finalized. "You're part of our team now," he told the cannibals in their language. "We'll pay you well for your service, and we'll allow you to eat any of our rations. But please, he said -- please don't eat any of our troopers."

Well, the cannibals responded reassuringly and promised not to eat any of the unit's soldiers, and they then shook hands with the commander and went to work.

Everything was going smoothly until about four weeks later, when the commander called the cannibals together for a meeting. "You're all working hard," he said, "and I'm very pleased with your performance. However, one of our sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads and professed to have no idea of the missing sergeant's whereabouts.

After the commander left, however, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and asked sternly, "Which one of you idiots ate the sergeant?"

The cannibals all hung their heads until finally one of them meekly put his hand in the air and said, "I did."

"You fool," the head cannibal shouted. "For four weeks we've been eating lieutenants, captains and even majors -- [laughter] -- and no one noted anything - [laughter, applause] -- and then you had to go and eat a sergeant." [Laughter]

C'mon guys...  someone besides me has to have something funny to say!

Here's an old Minnesotan joke: 


Why do all the trees in Minnesota lean southward? 

Because Iowa sucks! 



Another one: 


Why do women in Iowa wear high heels? 

To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground! 

Quote from: Martok on February 04, 2012, 07:35:54 AM
Here's an old Minnesotan joke: 


Why do all the trees in Minnesota lean southward? 

Because Iowa sucks! 



Another one: 


Why do women in Iowa wear high heels? 

To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground!

Somewhere an Iowan is muttering " The other ones was more funnier..."

Old fishermen never die. They just can't raise their rods.

People in Oregon never die. They just rust away.

A missionary walking through the jungle was suddenly attacked by a lion.  Knowing that his last moments were at hand, he knelt and started praying.

After a few moments he realized he was still alive, and started to look around, and noticed the lion kneeling and praying too.

The missionary jumped to his feet yelling and shouting, praising God for his deliverance. 

The lion slapped him to the ground with his massive paw, and told the startled missionary,


"Shutup, I'm saying grace."

Angela Merkel swept into Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asked the irritated immigration officer.
"German". Angela replied.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

ok i have to admit that was a good one.

We had Sheryl Crow's "If It Makes You Happy" playing through the CVC system on our tank at the gunnery range, as we're in line to shoot our day run.
She gets to the line "I'm not the kind of girl you take home..."

So I key the mike and ask, rhetorically, "How does she know she's the not the kind of girl I take home?"

My gunner comes back with "Sir, what she means is, she's not the kind of girl that'll go home with you."

All I could do was admire the snapiness of the comeback ;D

Person 1: Knock knock.

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Control freak.

Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"

Two ducks are running along on the sidewalk, one of them sees a low-hanging tree branch up ahead and yells, "PEOPLE!"

A women goes to her doctor, says: "Doctor, I think my husband is hobosexual."

The confused doctor asks, "Do you mean he's gay?"

The woman replies, "no, he's a fucking bum!"

Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

I liked your occupation joke best.

Would you like a little butter with that corn bayonetbrant?  :P

Some philosophical sayings

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

I know it's old but ...

Versatile Use of the word Fuck
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck, she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings - "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud - "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation - "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble - "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression - "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust - "Fuck me."
Confusion - "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty - "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair - "Fucked again..."
Pleasure - "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure - "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost - "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief - "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation - "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial - "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity - "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy - "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Greetings - "How the fuck are ya?"
Suspicion - "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic - "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions - "Fuck off."
Disbelief - "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger
"What fucking map?"
Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
John F. Kennedy

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 22, 2012, 08:24:55 AM"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger

I'm pulling the red card on this one.  Much of this is funny, but this one's a humor FAIL.

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fexpress.howstuffworks.com%2Fgif%2Fwebquest-soccer-red-card.jpg&hash=d96894c65b219163eaea6e618d114ad442fc42c4)

From the totally awesome Duffel Blog (http://www.duffelblog.com/2012/05/isaf-drops-candy-to-afghan-children-kills-51/)

QuoteMazar-i-Sharif, Afghanistan – In a tragic accident earlier today, aircraft belonging to the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) inadvertently killed 51 Afghans today near the city of Mazar-i-Sharif while attempting to drop candy to a group of children.

According to accounts from both Afghans and international observers, two NATO aircraft, later identified as American C-130s, made a low pass over a village of several hundred Afghans outside the city.

Approximately 1.4 million M&Ms were to be delivered via Container Delivery System in a single package with a weight of 1500 lbs. Due to a malfunction in the static line, the parachute failed to deploy and the container crashed through the roof of a local school at nearly 100 miles per hour.

Upon impact, the force of the rapidly settling candies caused the sides to explode outward, causing what physics professor Dr. Rosella Schwartz described as, "essentially a 360 degree anti-personnel mine full of chocolate flechettes."

By "flechettes", Schwartz is referring to the M&Ms' candy shells, which shattered and spalled upon entering the bodies of the victims and also caused more numerous and severe secondary injuries.

Dr. Manuel Velez of the Red Cross, one of the first medical personnel at the site of the impact, had a similar assessment of the candy shells' damage.

"I've seen a lot of injuries inflicted on civilians by military ordnance, but this was much worse," Velez said, stooping to change the bandages on one of the victims while pointing out the many blue, green, and yellow splotches.

"The worst were the peanut M&Ms. The soft chocolate acted as a sabot around the peanuts, so basically these things were candy-coated penetrator rounds."

ISAF spokesperson Colonel Mark Marshall, who spoke to reporters today at a press conference in Kabul, said the candy drop was only the latest phase of a new operation called "Reese's for Peaces."  He added that while ISAF regrets the accidental loss of civilian life, it would not deter them working to relieve the suffering of the Afghan people.

Sources at ISAF headquarters in Kabul said the operation was first proposed by Deputy Commander General Bill Whitehead as a way to help boost the morale of Afghans as western forces began their long-anticipated drawdown.

General Whitehead said he first got the idea after reading a book about the 1948 Berlin Airlift.  After finishing their cargo deliveries, American pilots would drop pieces of candy to impoverished children, which earned the United States a lot of good publicity.

"Counterinsurgency is all about winning the hearts and minds of the people," said General Whitehead, "and as we transition to a much smaller footprint, the Air Force is going to have to take on some of the roles traditionally filled by soldiers, such as handing out candy."

In early March, General Whitehead gave ISAF the authority to begin planning a series of humanitarian airdrops over population centers in Afghanistan. Operation "Reese's for Peaces" was launched two weeks later, with MQ-9 Reapers dropping several tons of licorice on Kandahar.

Over the next few weeks, ISAF warplanes dropped tons of assorted chocolates, sweets, and even ice cream over the war-torn country.  Other NATO countries also took part, with French planes dropping bon bons and German planes dropping Bavarian chocolate. The United States, however, is contributing the bulk of the candy being used in the operation.

The incident in Mazar-i-Sharif is unfortunately not the first setback for "Reese's for Peaces".  Other blunders included a crate-load of Baby Ruth bars being dropped short of its target on March 19 and plowing into a bus full of madrassa students, killing 22.  On April 27, several Snickers bars hit a wedding party near Kunduz, killing 35.  And on May 8, several packs of Starbursts inadvertently hit an orphanage and killed 8 children and an adorable kitten named Mittens.

Following the press conference, Colonel Marshall tried to exit the podium, but tripped and crashed into a group of civilians, killing 9.

Quote from: bayonetbrant on May 22, 2012, 08:30:01 AM

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 22, 2012, 08:24:55 AM"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger

I'm pulling the red card on this one.  Much of this is funny, but this one's a humor FAIL.

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fexpress.howstuffworks.com%2Fgif%2Fwebquest-soccer-red-card.jpg&hash=d96894c65b219163eaea6e618d114ad442fc42c4)

WTF, you're ok with a Kennedy head shot line but not that one? :)

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 22, 2012, 09:01:22 AMWTF, you're ok with a Kennedy head shot line but not that one? :)

I didn't make it to Kennedy.  That was pretty tasteless, too.  :-\

Quote from: bayonetbrant on May 22, 2012, 09:05:50 AM

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 22, 2012, 09:01:22 AMWTF, you're ok with a Kennedy head shot line but not that one? :)

I didn't make it to Kennedy. 

Neither did Kennedy! (tasteless I know but WTFC)

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None - its a hardware problem.

Quote from: bayonetbrant on May 22, 2012, 05:56:02 AM
Angela Merkel swept into Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asked the irritated immigration officer.
"German". Angela replied.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft1.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcTQxwK-UAlnzRlZuQcQIAAvEK_rAJf7C1OgieFgdNV85xmqmQoTxw&hash=c6dabe0882844e25a9b8c9d2533244340d7b5e85)

Coffee Spew courtesy of Biggle

Damn you Kev! I'd been saving that one in my photobucket for a special occasion such as taunting Slaak next time he slithers by...

Quote from: bayonetbrant on May 22, 2012, 05:56:02 AM
Angela Merkel swept into Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asked the irritated immigration officer.
"German". Angela replied.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

Hard to follow that, although a massive cow tongue is in the discussion.

Made me think back to ole' 20th century, and Saturday Night Live's parody ad for "Klaus Barbie's Heil Hits," which included. . .

Poland, come out and play with me.
You'll be the refugee,
I'll be the enemy.
We'll throw a hand grenade into your cellar door, 
And you'll be never more, forever more more shut the door.

I can't find a clip to post.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. And, this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "Aww, you're bullshitting me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

A man built a robot that was a lie detector. If it heard a lie it would SLAP the lier.

At supper the man asked his son if he went to school that day.
The boy said "Yes." SLAP
"Ok" he said "We were watching a sci-fi movie." SLAP
"Ok, ok" he said, "We were watching a porno."
His father angrily replied "When I was your age I didn't know what porno was." SLAP
The mans wife laughed and said, "He's your son alright." SLAP

Here's a few bad ones:

What's green and smells of pork?
Kermit's finger.


Why is Snow White still a virgin?
'Cos their all fucking dopey


Seven Dwarfs in the bath feeling happy so Happy left.


What's the difference between a women and an oven?
The oven doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Whats the difference between a condom and a coffin?

One you come in, and one you go in.

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Hell no they ain't twins you dumb ass! This one here is 9 and that one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart"

Research has led to discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that normally takes less than a second to take as long as 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization causes more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, which has
half as many peons but twice the number of morons.

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 24, 2012, 12:57:25 PM
A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Hell no they ain't twins you dumb ass! This one here is 9 and that one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart"

This one's great! 

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 24, 2012, 12:58:55 PM
Research has led to discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that normally takes less than a second to take as long as 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization causes more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, which has
half as many peons but twice the number of morons.

Nice.

FRIDAYS

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair,

He has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars
from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. ;If you get cancer -
no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?


Where's my tractor?

What did the absent-minded professor say when he reached into his pockets?

Plums? When did I buy plums?

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00

HAMBURGER : $2.25

CHEESEBURGER : $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'


The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, Yes, I sure
am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well,
wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

posted by Bayonet_Chris on Facebook a little while ago

QuoteThree statisticians go duck hunting. The first one sees a duck and fires way far left, the second one fires way far right, and the third one jumps up and yells "We got it!"

Quote from: bayonetbrant on June 20, 2012, 09:46:32 AM
posted by Bayonet_Chris on Facebook a little while ago

QuoteThree statisticians go duck hunting. The first one sees a duck and fires way far left, the second one fires way far right, and the third one jumps up and yells "We got it!"

That's a thing of beauty.

A policeman pulls over a driver and says, "Sir, your breath smells. Have you been drinking?"

The man replies, "Officer, your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

Read this on the BGG forum:

How many wargamers does it take to change a light bulb?

VI:D.: LIGHT BULB CHANGES: i. Wargamers may only attempt Light Bulb Changes (LBC) during the Refit Phase of any turn.
i.1.: Only light armour, light artillery, light cavalry and light infantry may attempt an LBC.
i.1.a: Hoplites may ONLY attempt an LBC if light armour.
i.1.b.: Demoralized wargamers may ONLY attempt an LBC if stacked with a leader.
i.1.b.I.: Routed wargamers are not permitted to attempt LBC's.
i.1.c.: Wargamers in a square may not attempt an LBC.

ii.Supply: Wargamers that meet the requirements of VI.D.i. may attempt a Light Bulb Change if they also meet the following Supply conditions:
ii. 1.: They are currently stacked in a hex with a Light Bulb (LB); OR,
they are within three hexes of a magazine.
ii. 2.: They are currently in the ZOC of an LB emplacement.
EXCEPTION: LBC's may NOT be attempted if the LB is currently at full strength.

iii. Procedure: 1.: Add the total current combat strength of each wargamer in the stack.
iii. 1.a.: Stragglers may be added to the total, but ONLY if the stacking limits are obeyed.
iii. 2.: Compare the wargamers' attack strength with the defence strength of the LB on the LBC matrix.
iii. 3.: Roll one die, adding the value from the LBC matrix (and any other applicable DRM's), and consult the CRT.

iv.: Apply the results of the LBC immediately.
EXCEPTION: The effects of the LBC will not apply in situations where all LB emplacements are under a Power Outage mandate (see X. N. viii).

v. If the LBC was a failure, all wargamers involved in the LBC attempt must do a morale check after the LBC has been resolved.

^I can't wait until the errata is published!

Quote from: GroggyGrognard on June 20, 2012, 06:14:21 PM
Read this on the BGG forum:

How many wargamers does it take to change a light bulb?

VI:D.: LIGHT BULB CHANGES: i. Wargamers may only attempt Light Bulb Changes (LBC) during the Refit Phase of any turn.
i.1.: Only light armour, light artillery, light cavalry and light infantry may attempt an LBC.
i.1.a: Hoplites may ONLY attempt an LBC if light armour.
i.1.b.: Demoralized wargamers may ONLY attempt an LBC if stacked with a leader.
i.1.b.I.: Routed wargamers are not permitted to attempt LBC's.
i.1.c.: Wargamers in a square may not attempt an LBC.

ii.Supply: Wargamers that meet the requirements of VI.D.i. may attempt a Light Bulb Change if they also meet the following Supply conditions:
ii. 1.: They are currently stacked in a hex with a Light Bulb (LB); OR,
they are within three hexes of a magazine.
ii. 2.: They are currently in the ZOC of an LB emplacement.
EXCEPTION: LBC's may NOT be attempted if the LB is currently at full strength.

iii. Procedure: 1.: Add the total current combat strength of each wargamer in the stack.
iii. 1.a.: Stragglers may be added to the total, but ONLY if the stacking limits are obeyed.
iii. 2.: Compare the wargamers' attack strength with the defence strength of the LB on the LBC matrix.
iii. 3.: Roll one die, adding the value from the LBC matrix (and any other applicable DRM's), and consult the CRT.

iv.: Apply the results of the LBC immediately.
EXCEPTION: The effects of the LBC will not apply in situations where all LB emplacements are under a Power Outage mandate (see X. N. viii).

v. If the LBC was a failure, all wargamers involved in the LBC attempt must do a morale check after the LBC has been resolved.

That's great!

Quote from: GroggyGrognard on June 20, 2012, 06:14:21 PM

EXCEPTION: LBC's may NOT be attempted if the LB is currently at full strength.

Drat! No overstrength LBs to stomp all over the little bitty greenglow thingie units. Looks like I'll have to start researching Arc-Light technology.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s480x480/581240_308891925869284_1811438058_n.jpg)

Did you hear about the two antennae getting married?

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was to die for.

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 29, 2012, 02:02:05 PM
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin' doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar :

COLD BEER : $2.00

HAMBURGER : $2.25

CHEESEBURGER : $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers..

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

'Yes?' she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, 'may I help you?'


The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers,
"are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, Yes, I sure
am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well,
wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

Classic!  I bet when this is told out loud a lot of laughs can be had if the punch line is delivered properly.

What did the tired chess player do?



He took the knight off.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?




Wiped his ass.....

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

Wife to husband;

'Darling - take off my dress......now my bra.......now my panties.....Now, never let me catch you wearing my clothes again'

What did the Orca say to the Giant Squid?

If you don't take your tentacles off me, I am going to whale on you.

What did Big Ben say to the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

'I've got the time if you've got the inclination'

Quote from: bob48 on August 17, 2012, 01:32:49 PM
What did Big Ben say to the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

'I've got the time if you've got the inclination'

baa haa haa... that is such a brit joke

Quote from: bob48 on August 17, 2012, 01:32:49 PM
What did Big Ben say to the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

'I've got the time if you've got the inclination'

Bob..... Get out!

lol

Once, Death came for Chuck Norris. Later, Death limped back to Hell carrying pieces of a broken scythe. Now Death wears that hooded cloak to hide the bruises.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/s480x480/601435_363875180355646_107738753_n.jpg)

^Awesome

h/t Chris over on FB

QuoteI would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

Quote from: bayonetbrant on October 04, 2012, 02:14:40 PM
h/t Chris over on FB

QuoteI would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

<chuckle>

Nice.

Seen on Facebook

QuoteSo...I'm at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog food for my dogs. While at the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in the intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Q: How does Good King Wenceslaus like his pizza?

A: Deep pan, crisp and even

Quote from: bayonetbrant on January 01, 2013, 07:34:37 PM
Q: How does Good King Wenceslaus like his pizza?

A: Deep pan, crisp and even

That is horrible Brant, even for you  :P

I have been trying to pretend I didn't see that.

For his sake.

stole it from someone else. thought the joke thread needed some invigorating.

you failed.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

[chuckle]


I've heard that one before, but it still gets a laugh out of me every time. 

Heh. Nice one, Huw.

Man - "Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm Donald Duck"

Doctor - " And how long have you been having these Disney Spells?"

Quote from: bob48 on January 02, 2013, 02:17:27 PM
Man - "Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm Donald Duck"

Doctor - " And how long have you been having these Disney Spells?"

See, now that I expect from bob.    ;D

My scales showed me this morning that I weighed about the same as a single atom.  I was like 0mg.

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent y...ears to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

------------------------

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

-------------------

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

-----------------

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

----------------------

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

----------------------

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

--------------------

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

-------------------

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

-------------------

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

---------------------

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---------------------

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

---------------------

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

--------------------

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

-----------------

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

---------------

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Quote from: Windigo on January 04, 2013, 02:49:53 PMWatching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

At what point are we allowed to inform Her Majesty's Department of Motion Picture Review Incompetence that Andie Macdowell was, in fact, playing an American in Four Weddings and a Funeral, and therefore had no need to even attempt an English dialect, accent, or other form of speech impediment?

(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6924463616/h27761E62/)

After the part where we read that Andie Macdowell's attempt at an english
accent in that Tarzan movie thing was so bad that all her lines had to be
overread by an Actress rather than some pretty girl from Kentucky or wherever.

Why does Snoop Dogg own an umbrella?









Fo drizzle.

Quote from: Windigo on January 04, 2013, 03:04:51 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6924463616/h27761E62/)

This is so true.

Quote from: Windigo on January 04, 2013, 03:04:51 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6924463616/h27761E62/)

So true

@Windy:  LOL at the Queen's Message.  I cackled especially loudly reading the provisions regarding beer and JFK.  8) 

Quote from: Windigo on January 04, 2013, 03:04:51 PM
(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6924463616/h27761E62/)

Yup, that's about right. 

Quote from: Longdan on January 04, 2013, 03:07:29 PM
After the part where we read that Andie Macdowell's attempt at an english
accent in that Tarzan movie thing was so bad that all her lines had to be
overread by an Actress rather than some pretty girl from Kentucky or wherever.

Yep, over-dubbed by another American (Glenn Close)...

An Actress

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But for real peace and quiet, chew garlic.

The Ultimate Top 25 Chuck Norris "The Programmer" Jokes

1. When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.
2. All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
4. Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
5. Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
7. Chuck Norris's first program was kill -9.
8. Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
9. All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
10. MySpace actually isn't your space, it's Chuck's (he just lets you use it).
11. Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions...and have them return.
12. Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
13. The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
14. Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
15. Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations...ever.
16. Chuck Norris doesn't use web standards as the web will conform to him.
17. "It works on my machine" always holds true for Chuck Norris.
18. Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
19. Chuck Norris doesn't do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
20. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
21. Chuck Norris's beard can type 140 wpm.
22. Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
24. Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
25. When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message "Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?".

http://codesqueeze.com/the-ultimate-top-25-chuck-norris-the-programmer-jokes/ (http://codesqueeze.com/the-ultimate-top-25-chuck-norris-the-programmer-jokes/)

Some of those are funny.

It probably should have just been a top ten list, but yeah some of them are pretty good.

Trojan Horse Warning

TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org> RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks, Laocoon

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.

It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

The many uses of Vaseline:

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any bread?"

And the barman says "No"

And the duck says "Got any bread?"

And the barman "No"

"Got any bread?"

"I said, N-O NO!"

"Got any bread?"

"For cryin' out loud - N O spells NO and I mean NO!!"

"Got any bread?"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!"

"Got any bread?"

"Look, if you ask me one more time if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!! WE HAVE NO BREAD!!!"

"Got any nails?"

"No!"

"Got any bread?"

I was deplaning the other day when a young boy approached and asked me, "If big birds make little birds and big squirrels make little squirrels, how come big planes don't make little planes?" Not knowing what to tell him, I directed him to the group of attendants behind us, where he was told that's because Delta pulls out in time.

Two antennas meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

After Noah built the Ark and survived the Great Flood, God appeared to him and asked him to build another Ark seven decks high.

"Another Ark, my Lord? Am I to fill it with 2 of every creature again?".

God replied "No, you will fill it with fish".

"Ah", said Noah "a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

A cowboy comes into a bar wearing only newspapers. It wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling ...

Q: How do you cure bedwetting?
A: With an electric blanket.

Q: What food kills a woman's sex drive?

A: Wedding cake.

Windy walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I'm having three girls over tonight. I need help."

The pharmacist hands Windy a bottle of Viagra and says "Take all of these and you'll go beserk for 12 hours."

The next dayWindy walk into the drugstore, limps up to to the pharmacist and drops his pants. His penis is all bruised and tied into a knot and skin is hanging off in some places. "Gimme a tube of 'Icy Hot'." He says.

The phramacist replies in horror "You can't put 'Icy Hot' on that!"

"No, it's for my wrists" Windy moans. "The girls never showed up."

A wargamer was sitting under a tree, reading the rules to the latest ASL module when his friend rode up on a bicycle.

"Cool bike, Jim", the wargamer says, "Where did you get it?"

His friend said, "I was walking over here when a beautiful girl rides up on this bike, throws off her clothes and says 'You can have anything you want'".

"Good choice, Jim, the clothes would never have fit you"

A man and a woman are drinking at a bar.
The woman suddenly tears off her clothes and says
"Make me feel like a woman!!!!"
The man tears off his clothes and throws them on the floor and says
"Wash 'em, dry 'em, fold 'em and put them in the drawer."

So I went to brants online store and ordered a motivational product.....


(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthechive.files.wordpress.com%2F2013%2F01%2Firony-18.jpg%3Fw%3D750&hash=2240f481d83b161e6293e7825a1cf9672709cc15)





NOTE: this is not intended as anything other than a joke....

Wow brant you were on some kind of corny roll there.

cut-and-paste my friend...  why reinvent when you can steal?

remember

to steal from one is plagiarism

to steal from many is research

Or, as Unca Joe Stalin put it, the death of an individual is a tragedy.
The death of a million are a statistic.

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthechive.files.wordpress.com%2F2013%2F01%2Ftoo-true-31.jpg%3Fw%3D750%26amp%3Bh%3D368&hash=aa9d06ca86c5dd8e0bfad1e7c5f3c27431ac42eb)

Quote from: Windigo on January 29, 2013, 05:12:55 PM
(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthechive.files.wordpress.com%2F2013%2F01%2Ftoo-true-31.jpg%3Fw%3D750%26amp%3Bh%3D368&hash=aa9d06ca86c5dd8e0bfad1e7c5f3c27431ac42eb)

You know it's true!

(https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6978193152/hCEA39726/)

Hee!  Nice find Windy. 

Hmmm  fat and bitchy.  Now what is the correlation between beer and weddings?
Too many beer leads to marriage? ......

Quote from: Longdan on January 30, 2013, 11:04:05 AM
Now what is the correlation between beer and weddings?
Too many beer leads to marriage? ......

I always thought that went without saying. 

Well I know that too many beer leads to divorce.  Damn another paradox.

you gotta be a bit of a music geek to get this, but it's pretty damned funny...



C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

^Who ever thought that up had way to much time on their hands.

Quote from: TheCommandTent on February 01, 2013, 08:29:15 AM^Who ever thought that up had way to much time on their hands.

absolutely, but it was pretty funny.

I'm sure it started out as just the top line or two in a thread on a forum somewhere, and much like our pun threads here, just sort of started rolling

Quote from: bayonetbrant on February 01, 2013, 07:21:48 AM
you gotta be a bit of a music geek to get this, but it's pretty damned funny...



C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

Heh. 

I agree with TCT that someone had too much time on their hands, but it *is* pretty damn clever. 


Also, I'm slightly disturbed that I understood almost every part of that joke.  (Gods, I hated music theory!) 

Quote from: Martok on February 01, 2013, 10:44:05 AM

Quote from: bayonetbrant on February 01, 2013, 07:21:48 AM
you gotta be a bit of a music geek to get this, but it's pretty damned funny...



C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

Heh. 

I agree with TCT that someone had too much time on their hands, but it *is* pretty damn clever. 


Also, I'm slightly disturbed that I understood almost every part of that joke.(Gods, I hated music theory!)

I couldn't agree more.

Didja hear the one about the Polish ski-jumper?  He won a gold medal at the Olympics and wanted it preserved, so he had it bronzed...

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Phillip Glass (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phillip_Glass)

 
A linguistics professor says during a lecture" In English, a double negative forms a positive.

But in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative still forms a negative.

However, in no language in the world does a double positive form a negative!

A voice in the back of class blurts out: "Yeah, right!"

Why did the programmer die in the shower? The shampoo bottle said:

LATHER
WASH
RINSE
REPEAT

The math functions stopped inviting differential to their parties. He just didn't integrate.


Yo mamma so fat the ratio between her circumference and radius is 4!


Q: What does an Italian pan with a depth of 'a', and radius 'z' hold within it? pi *z*z*a


Yo momma so big the probability of her center of mass being at an arbitrary point in a room is 1.


Why was the mathematician so proud of the way he solved his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.

Quote from: bayonetbrant on July 04, 2013, 01:27:22 PM
....
Yo momma so big the probability of her center of mass being at an arbitrary point in a room is 1.

LOL!

Quote
Why was the mathematician so proud of the way he solved his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.

Ouch!  :o

Quote from: bayonetbrant on July 04, 2013, 01:26:13 PM
Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Phillip Glass (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phillip_Glass)

if you said this while camping... i would try and affect serious bodily harm on you

that Phil is a serious messing of anyone's zen

Brant, you do know that one never says "Repeat" on radio nets?
The results can ruin your whole day.

oh yeah - I had to drill that into a few E5's heads.

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m7jttpxNtW1qminlvo1_500.jpg&hash=95628d4177a944936c7e372c55c23f060144f464)

The genes will out.

Tru dat!

A Vulcan, a Terran and an Indeterminate Life Form walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"Hey, we don't serve indeterminate life forms here!"
The Vulcan replies, "Satisfactory logic. We do not eat them."

Ha! 

<rimshot> (http://www.badum-tish.com/)

(https://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/1234394_692664127428091_731064755_n.jpg)

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000.00; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000.00" ;
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000.00 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.00 They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

and...   ???

Quote from: GDS_Starfury on September 29, 2013, 11:07:47 AM
and...   ???

LOL

he forgot the punchline:

The man turns and asks,


"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

fixed - it was a cut & paste fail on my part

They just don't write cut & paste jokes like they used to.

Quote from: GDS_Starfury on September 29, 2013, 11:37:37 AM
he forgot the punchline:

The man turns and asks,


"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Doesnt work. That would be ok if the wife said that.

As it was it sounded like a couple putting on airs.

The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?," she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,"
said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row."
"Where are you from?"
The man replied," Idaho ."
"Really," she said. "I have family in Idaho."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney."
"She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Q: How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: First, take your foot off his head...

 . . . . heh

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FpEXMQPm.jpg&hash=c0dc24cbc27e0acd03b43df61451589c342a168f)

The hardcore geeks I hope will like this one....
apparently an electric circuit of sorts


(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgs.xkcd.com%2Fcomics%2Fcircuit_diagram.png&hash=2b062afeafe6f6822d8d0a6248bd136238d76e32)

Buddha walks into a pizza joint and says, "Make me one with everything."



follow-up:

Cashier: "That'll be $9.50"
Buddha hands him a ten. Waits. Waits. He says, "Where's my change?"
Cashier replies, "Change must come from within"

So these two dyslexics walk into a bra...

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The Fitzpatrick twins are drunk again."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He walks up to the bar, sits down, and orders a pint. As the bartender gets a good look at the pirate, he notices the wheel and asks, "Hey matey, do you realize you've got a steering wheel in your pants there?"

Pirate says, "Arr... it's drivin' me nuts."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"




A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you're a grasshopper! You know, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Murray?"

<groan>

Windi goes into a pharmacy for some Viagra.

"Can I get it over the counter?", he asked

"You can if you take three", said the pharmacist

Tori Spelling walks into a bar and the barmaid says "why the long face?"

What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtle's back?

Wheeeeeeeeee!

Quote from: bayonetbrant on October 15, 2013, 01:04:32 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He walks up to the bar, sits down, and orders a pint. As the bartender gets a good look at the pirate, he notices the wheel and asks, "Hey matey, do you realize you've got a steering wheel in your pants there?"

Pirate says, "Arr... it's drivin' me nuts."

<groan>

Just for that, you should be slapped with a herring... 

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducks.

There some great tweets in here

http://www.mandatory.com/2013/10/18/this-weeks-20-funniest-tweets/#photo=1

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogcdn.com%2Fslideshows%2Fimages%2Fslides%2F127%2F094%2F2%2FS1270942%2Fslug%2Fl%2Fscreen-shot-2013-10-08-at-4-38-32-pm-1.jpg&hash=20c229e8e0b55bfbf210957cae438ce2f51e9049)

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(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogcdn.com%2Fslideshows%2Fimages%2Fslides%2F127%2F095%2F3%2FS1270953%2Fslug%2Fl%2Fscreen-shot-2013-10-08-at-5-13-18-pm-1.jpg&hash=b25aa19fbd2a3dba81158a6077c62cd2af6e13a1)

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogcdn.com%2Fslideshows%2Fimages%2Fslides%2F127%2F095%2F4%2FS1270954%2Fslug%2Fl%2Fscreen-shot-2013-10-08-at-5-14-24-pm-1.jpg&hash=756151e2c3361829a4d5cedd42ce3e5993b95b24)

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogcdn.com%2Fslideshows%2Fimages%2Fslides%2F127%2F096%2F0%2FS1270960%2Fslug%2Fl%2Fscreen-shot-2013-10-09-at-2-39-45-pm-1.jpg&hash=f59dca030e863a88612263f3127efedd7a9ba2e0)

One for Steelie
(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogcdn.com%2Fslideshows%2Fimages%2Fslides%2F126%2F406%2F7%2FS1264067%2Fslug%2Fl%2Fscreen-shot-2013-10-01-at-11-35-36-am-1.jpg&hash=8e6f4a3a41cf858f32c306c69a754d50fbb7c095)

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogcdn.com%2Fslideshows%2Fimages%2Fslides%2F126%2F407%2F2%2FS1264072%2Fslug%2Fl%2Fscreen-shot-2013-10-01-at-11-51-54-am-1.jpg&hash=25c8e18bc609dee5437c23cb17cd31a7102fc042)

and one for Gus
(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogcdn.com%2Fslideshows%2Fimages%2Fslides%2F126%2F408%2F5%2FS1264085%2Fslug%2Fl%2Fscreen-shot-2013-10-01-at-12-53-40-pm-1.jpg&hash=50149d642d25ae9ff6f2fdb7f8eeae032cf44985)

and there's a lot of really funny stuff here, too:  https://twitter.com/OhNoSheTwitnt

Heh.  Yeah, some of those are pretty good.  I liked these two in particular: 

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1108.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh412%2FRotarrin%2FFunny%2Fscreen-shot-2013-10-08-at-5-09-01-pm-1_zps45a62f99.jpg&hash=3eb9b10d568e73e69c7ae1487e93e4d020458239) (http://s1108.photobucket.com/user/Rotarrin/media/Funny/screen-shot-2013-10-08-at-5-09-01-pm-1_zps45a62f99.jpg.html)
(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1108.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh412%2FRotarrin%2FFunny%2Fscreen-shot-2013-10-08-at-5-18-19-pm-1_zpsfacf1aa7.jpg&hash=b3af7f8a25fa6d68481e5f50018a4d87e80fa929) (http://s1108.photobucket.com/user/Rotarrin/media/Funny/screen-shot-2013-10-08-at-5-18-19-pm-1_zpsfacf1aa7.jpg.html)

just seen elsewhere on Twitter

"Aerosmith could reach new fans if they changed their name to Tyler/Perry's Aerosmith."

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a comma?













A: A cat has its claws at the end of its paws and a comma has its pause at the end of its clause.

I've seen that one before.  It's still a groaner, but kudos for being a grammar joke.  :P 

ever notice that the same 5 letters that spell "Santa" spell "Satan", that they both wear red & black, have little pointy-eared helpers, and live some place you can't visit? And they've never been seen together. Coincidence?

Why did the Jedi police officer get fired?

For using excessive Force.

Facebookpalm there, Grogheads facepalm here.

What's yellow and points to the north?

A magnetic banana.

Quote from: bayonetbrant on December 11, 2013, 03:17:38 PM
Why did the Jedi police officer get fired?

For using excessive Force.

please leave this to the professionals.

Why did the hipster burn his lips on the coffee?







Because he drank it before it was cool.

What's green and hangs from tree's?

Gorilla snot.

What's invisible and smells like carrots?



Bunny farts.

What's the difference between a blonde and a computer ?
You only need to punch information into a computer once.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive one of these things?"

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

A captain tells the crew of his rapidly sinking ship, "Any of you know any prayers?"
One yeoman raises his hand.
"Good. You stay here and pray; the rest of us will get the hell outta here-we're one lifejacket short."

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

Q: How many Internet mailing list subscribers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1,331
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to quote all posts to date, including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Two nun's in a bath.

One says 'Where's the soap'

The other ones says 'Yes, is does'.

Quote from: bayonetbrant on December 11, 2013, 04:38:51 PM
Q: How many Internet mailing list subscribers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1,331 1332
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to quote all posts to date, including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
1 volunteer moderator to remove 1 or 2 posts because they had nipples showing

still bitter huh.

Quote from: GDS_Starfury on December 12, 2013, 05:19:58 PM
still bitter huh.

they were the most awesomeness of nipples

A Christmas Love Story

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

I'd really like to find a collection of National Lampoon magazines' Letters to the Editor column. I saw the NL series of mags is available on Amazon for $100, but I've heard it was a sloppy production.

You can get a free copy of NL from 1970 here:

http://nationallampoon.com/1970_10.pdf

(A little Norwegian-American humor for ya...) 





His name was Ole. 

He was from Minnesota. And he needed a loan.


So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari.. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at Ole from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Ole replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"



Keep an eye on these Minnesota boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we just got off the lutefisk boat.

*chuckle*

That's brilliant, Martok.

all except for the math on 12% interest.  ;)

Thanks guys! 

Quote from: GDS_Starfury on January 08, 2014, 09:53:01 AM
all except for the math on 12% interest.  ;)

Whatever you say Ben.  :P 

Was that an apr of just the time 2 months.  ???

Quote from: GDS_Starfury on January 08, 2014, 09:53:01 AM
all except for the math on 12% interest.  ;)

He must have gotten back a few hours early.

Irish Text Message....
Paddy texts his wife...

"Mary,
I'm just having one more pint with the lads."
"If I'm not back in 20 minutes,...
... read this message again."
Paddy

Guinness causality loop...

explains why the Doctor is British.

I changed my iPad's name to 'Titanic.'

It's syncing now.

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

Haha... err, I mean 'Groan'...

I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet and he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

someone take his keyboard away.

Seconded.  It's as if Bawb is whispering into his ear! 

It's not that Bob's whispering.  It's that he's earing it so clearly.

Quote from: Banzai_Cat on January 23, 2014, 10:05:34 PM
How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowmemes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F03%2Fhow-does-moses-make-his-tea.jpg&hash=df857a17fbc80cb07a9752b1ba4abbedcdca2785)

Quote from: Banzai_Cat on January 23, 2014, 10:16:56 PM
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet and he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I like it!

QuoteThe letters of the alphabet had to queue to be named. The Zs were last because they overslept.

And you guys are complaining about me?!?

we expect better from you.
Brant not so much.  ;)

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears" - Mark Antony, Julius Caesar
"Okay" - Vincent Van Gogh

some truly awesome twitterness out there lately...

QuoteKeanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes "whoa".

QuoteTried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I'm in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named "Snake".

QuotePolar Vortex is a cool name. I so wish I had had my son Fiscal Cliff this year instead of last.

QuoteWhy are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

QuoteI hope George R. R. Martin kills off Monday next.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Oh, it makes them swell?

Girl: No, they spread.

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TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

OK - Now that IS funny.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

That one cracked me up.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


Yup!

A Canadian Corporation

You have one good cow that is getting old.
You are in the process of aquiringing a new cow.

The aquisition process keeps getting delayed and no one can agree on what kind of cow to get.
The old cow suffers a fire and is no longer good for anything

Arabs to Russians:
"Stop sending surface to air missiles. Start sending us surface to aircraft missiles instead!"

A KC-135 is waiting to take off from an Air Force base in Greenland. Everything is done, the plane is ready for take off except the sewage system has to be emptied before they can go. The Commander of the bird is getting more and more upset when finally an Airman rides up next to the plane on a tug with Petunia in tow and begins lackadaisicaly setting it up. The Colonel begins yelling at the Airman to hurry up and generally chewing him out. The Airman holds up his hand and says, "Excuse me sir, it's 130 in the morning, I have no stripes, I'm in Greenland, and I'm pumping s**t out of your airplane, what more can you do to me?" The Colonel shakes his head and gets in the plane to wait.

Captain Roberts ran the local Army recruiting station. As part of their pitch, all his recruiters were supposed to try and sell incoming recruits on the GI supplemental insurance package. Most had mixed success, but one of his recruiters, Sgt. Johnson, managed to sell the package to every single recruit he handled.

Curious as to what dynamite sales technique Johnson was using, Roberts decided to sit in on one of his recruiting sessions.

"Son," Johnson said to the new recruit, "If you sign up for the GI supplemental life insurance package, the Army will pay a $50,000 death benefit to your family should you pass away. Without the package, if you die the Army will only have to pay a $500 death benefit and for a burial in a military cemetery."

"Now, keeping that in mind, who do you think the Army will send into combat first?"

One of the bull elephants was feeling frisky, and so the emblem of his bullhood was extended. A young boy happened to notice and asked his mother what that long thing was. "That's his trunk," she said. "No, I mean on the other end," he replied. She got flustered at that point and said, "Oh, it's nothing."

Not being satisfied with such an answer, he turned to his father. His father said, "That's his penis, son." The boy said "That's what I thought. But Mom said it was nothing." His father replied, "Well, your mother is a bit spoiled about such things."

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

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SHIT HAPPENS
Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
•Taoism: Shit happens.
•Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
•Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
•Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
•Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
•Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
•Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
•Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
•Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
•Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
•Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
•Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
•Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
•Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
•Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
•Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
•Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
•Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
•Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
•Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
•Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
•Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
•Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
•Creationism: God made all shit.
•Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
•Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
•Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
•Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
•Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
•Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
•Darwinism: This shit was once food.
•Capitalism: That's MY shit.
•Communism: It's everybody's shit.
•Feminism: Men are shit.
•Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
•Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
•Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
•Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
•Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
•Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
•Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
•Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
•Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
•Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
•Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
•Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
•Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
•Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
•Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
•Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
•Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
•Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
•Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
•Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
•Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
•Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
•Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
•Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
•Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
•Atheism: What shit?
•Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
•Nihilism: No shit.
•Narcisism: I am the shit!


•And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous:  Shit happens-one day at a time!

Getting Caught Masturbating in the Future


LOL

not going to shott the tank

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The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied "It very much depends on the position".

there are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets



There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure



A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light"



The first rule of Tautology club, is the first rule of Tautology club.

Argh.  Save me from literal humor... 

Quote from: bayonetbrant on March 23, 2014, 01:58:23 PM
Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied "It very much depends on the position".

Heh!  Good one. 

Quote from: bayonetbrant on March 23, 2014, 02:00:10 PM
there are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets



There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure

I like those. :)

I've always liked tripping people up with this one.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who can read binary and those who cannot.

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Laziness is the mother of invention.  :)

.

Damn but I had me a good belly laugh!

Variation of previous versions... still funny

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^ That's pretty epic, but is it just me not liking that they're using a Russian flag and not a Soviet one?

Cat! Where da hel you been?

I wish that version didn't have the f bombs or I would love to use it in my class.

Quote from: TheCommandTent on April 04, 2014, 07:21:00 PM
I wish that version didn't have the f bombs or I would love to use it in my class.

Photoshop.

Quote from: Staggerwing on April 04, 2014, 06:27:18 PM
Cat! Where da hel you been?

Yeah, you been pussy-footing around, or was it a night on the tiles?

Quote from: bob48 on April 05, 2014, 06:11:05 AM

Quote from: Staggerwing on April 04, 2014, 06:27:18 PM
Cat! Where da hel you been?

Yeah, you been pussy-footing around, or was it a night on the tiles?

LOL, I wish.

Just dealing with some RL issues is all. Had to focus and reduce some distractions for a brief time.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

During a recent robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept" Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional"
Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience"
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank".

This is called "Swim with the tide"
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Changing priority"
Personal Happiness is more important than your job".

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity" Daring to take risks!

http://www.mandatory.com/2014/01/10/comma-fails-a-valuable-lesson-in-punctuation/

(https://scontent-b-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/p180x540/10417458_887334651279914_7503682936283348850_n.jpg)

^  That's esoteric humor if I've ever seen it.  :P 

Learning English pro-nun-sia-sion  :)

Ha!  That was good. 


Not that I'm in any position to make fun.  I'm only too aware that I likely would similarly make a fool of myself (and in a similar situation) were I to try speaking a different language.  ::) 



(EDIT:  Was missing a crucial adverb...) 

This ones fer bob......  ;D

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ROFL

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

 :)

Bwahaha!! 

QuoteYou can't get CliffsNotes for Game of Thrones because Cliff was beheaded in episode 4.

QuoteCalling it eBola and telling teens they can contract it just by going online.

QuoteIf a tree falls in the woods, a lumberjack take it to the paper mill, and it eventually becomes a software manual, did anyone read it?

QuoteMy Anna don't want none unless you wanna build a snowman, hun.

QuoteMy coworker's daughter is 11 and she and her 2 friends are going as the Kardashians for Halloween in case you thought you failed as a parent

at least 50% of the stuff here:
https://twitter.com/hashtag/TweetAtYourself10YearsAgo?src=hash

My 9 year old nephew got me with this one recently;

Q: What wobbles as it flies through the air?

A: A jellycopter.

Quote from: bayonetbrant on October 01, 2014, 03:44:20 PM
at least 50% of the stuff here:
https://twitter.com/hashtag/TweetAtYourself10YearsAgo?src=hash

There's a bunch of *really* funny stuff from CJ Nitkowski. Even funnier if you remember him pitching

An older, balding, white haired, duck hunter from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something a little more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check.

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

Hahahaha! 

A sailor finally gets shore leave after many months at sea. First stop is a bar and a substantial in-take of falling down water.

Next stop is to find a 'Lady of Negotiable Affections' and, since he s in a seaport, he has little trouble in finding one that suits his needs.

Back to her room they go, and very soon he is on the job. Thinking, in his somewhat inebriated state, he is really giving her a treat, since she is moaning and giggling constantly, he asks her, 'how am I doing, baby?'

She replies, 'well, sailor boy, you're doing about 3 knots'

'Oh' says he, 'what do you mean?'

To which she relies;

'You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back'

What's the difference between a kilo of coke and a baby?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a kilo of coke fall out of a window.

duuuuude...   :-\

Two spent rounds and one field-dressed foot later...

Yeah, sorry, that one was pretty heinous.

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

The guys on the radio were just talking about Elvira mistress of the dark.  Someone looked her up online and noted that she is 63 years old. One of the other guys pointed out that parts of her probably only in their twenties.

not sure why, but that struck me as particularly funny this morning

Heaven is where the Cooks are French
Cars are German
Lovers are Italian
and it's run by the Swiss


Hell is where the
Cooks are Swiss
Cars are Italian
Lovers are German
and it's run by the French

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Her Side of the Story -

He was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started t owonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or any thing. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes he laid down beside me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story -

Damn, Oklahoma lost. Got laid though.

A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Hello, I'd like a beer." The barman replies: "Hello, you'd like a beer?" "Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer."

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.

The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately.

Quote from: bayonetbrant on October 28, 2014, 09:03:24 AM
A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Hello, I'd like a beer." The barman replies: "Hello, you'd like a beer?" "Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer."

Nice.

Quote from: LongBlade on October 28, 2014, 09:45:51 AM

Quote from: bayonetbrant on October 28, 2014, 09:03:24 AM
A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Hello, I'd like a beer." The barman replies: "Hello, you'd like a beer?" "Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer."

Nice.

I don't get it. Shouldn't they shake hands first?

Hmm...I don't get it.  My computer knowledge about such things is limited and shit.

Stagger is correct - they should have shaken hands first.

Quote from: Bison on October 28, 2014, 05:52:05 PM
Hmm...I don't get it.  My computer knowledge about such things is limited and shit.

Whenever you connect to the interwebs it the communication is done by sending data "packets." These packets are wrapped in layers, sorta like an onion.

The purpose of the TCP layer is to confirm that the rest of the data has been both sent and received. So, in essence, it walks into another computer and announces it's there. The other PC responds by confirming it sees the TCP packet, and then the TCP packet acknowledges the PC see it and has accepted the data.

If that's too confusing then just think of the internet like magic.

Quote from: LongBlade on October 29, 2014, 07:54:28 AM
If that's too confusing then just think of the internet like magic.

Done.  I love the magical lands of the interwebs.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do a about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK...... My name is Gary and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Saw that coming.

^....as the nun said to the taxi driver.............

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat?........



she fits into your wife's clothes....

Quote from: GDS_Starfury on November 15, 2014, 11:10:28 AM
How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting fat?........



she fits into your wife's clothes....

ZING!!! That's one I won't be sharing with my wife, lol!

"Hey, baby, you should smile more. And/or don't." --Schrodinger's Cat-call

A Higgs-Boson particle walks into a church.

The priest says, "Uh, excuse me, but we do not allow your kind in here."

The Higgs-Boson particle replies, "Well, without me, you can't have mass."

Quote from: Banzai_Cat on January 08, 2015, 11:03:54 AM
A Higgs-Boson particle walks into a church.

The priest says, "Uh, excuse me, but we do not allow your kind in here."

The Higgs-Boson particle replies, "Well, without me, you can't have mass."

(psssst... it's the Higgs FIELD that imparts mass... not the boson.)
;)

Dammit!

I was imparting a joke that Neil Degrasse Tyson said on Opie Radio this morning...I was afraid I might have heard it wrong. But it's good that someone who knows what they're talking about can make it right.  O0

Quote from: Banzai_Cat on January 08, 2015, 11:03:54 AM
A Higgs-Boson particle walks into a church.

The priest says, "Uh, excuse me, but we do not allow your kind in here."

The Higgs-Boson particle replies, "Well, without me, you can't have mass."

http://grogheads.com/forums/index.php?topic=61.msg242903#msg242903
#18 ;)

quotes from Drill sergeants

DS: "Have you ever seen the serial number on a condom, private?"
PVT: "No, Drill Sergeant!"
DS: "You must not unroll it far enough."

DS: "Did you buy my action figure at Wal-Mart?"
Private: "No drill sergeant!"
DS: "Then why are you playin' with me?!"

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/10968531_10153062144722726_3848850499833597267_n.jpg?oh=e4436047231c50154543c09c7a5b6c9d&oe=555CE858&__gda__=1435181735_b038fa210e1299d3385987fab92d9da7)

 A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Translated Russian joke

There are two nine story buildings neighboring each other. One neighbor yells to the other neighbor of the opposite house:

"Hey Michael, when is your birthday?" One neighbor yells to the other neighbor.

"May. Why do you ask Alex?" The second neighbor asks in return.

"Because I know exactly a gift for you."

"Ok, and what will it be?"

"Since we can see everything every time your wife blows you, I'll be more than happy to provide you with window curtains."

"Fine, and when is your birthday?" The second neighbor asks the other neighbor's first question.

"July, why do you ask Michael?"

"It seems to me that I found a perfect gift for you as well."

"And what will it be?"

"Binoculars of course. That way you would finally be able to recognize whose wife that woman is."

"Sir, the insurgents have developed a new CBIED!"
"A what?!"
"CBIED - a Cattle-Borne Improvised Explosive Device."
"You mean..."
"Yessir, the insurgents shove a bunch of explosives up a cow's ass and send him toward the perimeter to try and blow a hole in the wire."
"Why, that's abombinabull!"

(https://fbcdn-photos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-0/10526108_10105651887469125_4766577721755525920_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=1294f4144549c924a86cd300b5d7f0ec&oe=555A516A&__gda__=1431690364_3b4c6b2d117f267f376fe0b590249124)

(https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10422301_811028088984014_5746682724553463885_n.jpg?oh=a354342552d6d90b374e95625dda8152&oe=55544CF0)

Laugh

Out

Loud

Found on Twitter

QuoteI'm giving up listening to Rick Astley for Lent.
Who am I kidding? Rick, I'm never gonna give you up.

QuoteMy coworker who's constantly bragging and patting herself on the back for projects she's done just won Employeezus of the Month.

Quote"Maybe you should give up tweeting about Frozen for Lent."
So you're saying that for 40 days I should... Let it go?

QuoteMaroon 5 is like if you gave a wine cooler a record deal.

Quote from: GDS_Starfury on February 18, 2015, 08:44:22 AM
(https://scontent-atl.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10422301_811028088984014_5746682724553463885_n.jpg?oh=a354342552d6d90b374e95625dda8152&oe=55544CF0)

Ha!  O0 

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Chief! Radar shows multiple facepalms inbound!

Ha! I did not see that one coming.

Blondes at work

<chuckle>  Wow!  A blonde joke I hadn't heard before... 

A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pygmy standing beside a very large dead beast...

Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy answered, "Yes."

The hunter then asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

Said the pygmy, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

Ha!  Clever. 

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3-ps.googleusercontent.com%2Fhk%2FBfQo-uol7YHmiDPfynHaUJ2ABp%2Fwww.youngcons.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F06%2F708x5584xa_329_20140401014034.jpg.pagespeed.ic.8qHGIwqGFdpxKkTnJ4Va.jpg&hash=22408e73b8f9f1944240dadb7ff02f00f20d1933)

Ha, most of those were pretty good.  I especially loved the Bruce Willis rock, the Autobots march, and the tree punishment at the end.  Well done! 

Six guys were playing poker when O'Malley loses $500 on a single hand. He clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. O'Hara looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Casey, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Casey walks over to the O'Malley house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Casey says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Casey says, "I'll tell him."

Quote from: besilarius on March 23, 2015, 06:19:44 PM
Six guys were playing poker when O'Malley loses $500 on a single hand. He clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. O'Hara looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Casey, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Casey walks over to the O'Malley house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Casey says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Casey says, "I'll tell him."

<chuckle>

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

Those last two jokes are comedy gold, bes.  O0  Thanks for sharing them! 

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips."What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie."I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts."Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie."I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Laff! Groan! Laff!

I have to admit, I did not see that punchline coming.  :o  ;D 

An old woman who had made her fortune was lonely, so she decided to put an ad in the paper looking for a boyfriend. The ad read: Older Woman seeks Man. Must not hit me...Must not run around on me... Must still be good in bed.

A few days passed and no one responded to the ad. One afternoon the doorbell rang. She went to the door to find an old man in a wheel chair with no arms or legs. She asked, "May I help you?" The old man said, "I'm here about your ad."

The woman looked at him confused and said, "You can't be serious...you have no arms!" To which the man replied, "So I can never hit you."

She said, "Well that may be true but you have no legs!" The man smirked and said, "Then I can never run around on you."

Then with a sly grin the old woman looked down on her would be suitor and asked, "Are you still good in bed?"

The man just leaned back with a beaming smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

LOL!  Good one, brant.  O0 

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old Rooster. As the old Rooster could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young Rooster from the market and puts it in the pen with the old Rooster and the hens...

Old Rooster: "Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity."

Young Rooster: "What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired."

Old Rooster: "Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?"

Young Rooster: "No! Not even one, all of them will be mine."

Old Rooster: "In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all."

Young Rooster: "Okay. What kind of competition?"

Old Rooster: "50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards."

Young Rooster: "No problem! We race tomorrow morning."

Confidently, the following morning, the Young Rooster allows the Old Rooster to start off and when the Old Rooster crosses the 10-yard mark, the young Rooster chases him with all his might.

He was right behind the old Rooster in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old Rooster, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, "Damn. That's the fifth gay rooster I bought this week."

 :2funny:

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-Six" Jay said.

Quote from: bayonetbrant on April 14, 2015, 06:01:44 PM
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-Six" Jay said.

Subtle.  :P 

I don't get it. Jay and Silent Bob?

Quote from: Ubercat on April 15, 2015, 08:18:21 PM
I don't get it. Jay and Silent Bob?

listen to GrogCast #6 ;)

Quote from: bayonetbrant on April 15, 2015, 08:23:14 PM

Quote from: Ubercat on April 15, 2015, 08:18:21 PM
I don't get it. Jay and Silent Bob?

listen to GrogCast #6 ;)

Where would I find that? It's not like we have a front page or anything...  :D

feedburner
http://feeds.feedburner.com/grogcast

These are moving like hot cakes!

http://www.ebay.com/itm/271203307662

Quote from: besilarius on April 16, 2015, 05:32:23 PM
These are moving like hot cakes!

http://www.ebay.com/itm/271203307662

OK, that was *not* funny.

Penalty relocation to Houston for you!

Quote from: LongBlade on April 16, 2015, 05:35:10 PM
Penalty relocation to Houston for you!

>:(

Quote from: Ubercat on April 15, 2015, 08:43:01 PM

Quote from: bayonetbrant on April 15, 2015, 08:23:14 PM

Quote from: Ubercat on April 15, 2015, 08:18:21 PM
I don't get it. Jay and Silent Bob?

listen to GrogCast #6 ;)

Where would I find that? It's not like we have a front page or anything...  :D

+1+1+1+1+1

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet?

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He says, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "OK, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

So this woman living in New York City can't take life anymore and decides to end it all. She goes down to the piers and is ready to fling herself in the water, when along comes a handsome man.

"Ah, you don't have to do this," he says to her, pleading. "I am a sailor. I'm headed out to Italy tomorrow on my ship. I can sneak you aboard and give you safe passage, and make you very happy. It would be a chance for you to start life anew!"

She ponders this a moment; she'd truly always wanted to see Europe, especially Italy. She reluctantly agrees, and goes with the man to his ship in the dead of night; it is pitch black and he guides her expertly to board the ship. He leads her down into the hold, where there's a very small but comfortable space that she will stay in.

The sailor, as promised, visits her each night. He brings her three delicious sandwiches and a bottle of wine, and then makes love to her all night long, leaving just before dawn each time.

Two weeks into the journey, the Captain makes an inspection of the hold, and finds the stowaway. He asks her what the hell she's doing on his ship.

She replies, "I have an arrangement with one of your sailors. He gave me this space, feeds me three times a day, and is giving me free passage to Italy."

"I see," says the Captain.

In the silence that follows, the woman's conscience begins hammering away at her thoughts, until she can't take it anymore and decides to confess.

"Okay, that's not all," she says. "He's also been screwing me."

"I'll say," responds the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Ha! Both of those are great.

Quote from: LongBlade on May 13, 2015, 08:25:59 AM
Ha! Both of those are great.

Seconded!  They both had me chuckling. 

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner. "Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about the nature of space time, which the chauffeur didn't have a prayer of answering.

"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it."

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave,
cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the
smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire
testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The
Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and
other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which
suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large
jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was
extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber
pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged
husband's knee cap was all it took...

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking
away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus
the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."

Somebody warn Star. Also Mirth, just in case she relocates north.

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthedailyheadline.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2015%2F06%2Fcn.jpg&hash=bdeb04d4f43334c2b7226ea5c09fc87325dba810)

On the night of January 5, 1919, Roosevelt experienced breathing problems. He felt better after treatment from his physician, Dr. George W. Faller, and went to bed. Roosevelt's last words were "Please put out that light, James" to his family servant James Amos. Between 4:00 AM and 4:15 AM the next morning, Roosevelt died in his sleep at Sagamore Hill as a result of a blood clot detaching from a vein and traveling to his lungs.[154] Upon receiving word of his death, his son Archibald telegraphed his siblings simply, "The old lion is dead."[165] Woodrow Wilson's vice president, Thomas R. Marshall, said that "Death had to take Roosevelt sleeping, for if he had been awake, there would have been a fight."

^  I've heard that quote about Teddy many times before, but it never stops being awesome.  :) 

Quote from: bayonetbrant on June 16, 2015, 01:21:02 PM
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Ha!! 

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Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired
arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking

across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello Sarge."

"Yes."

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet!

Quote from: besilarius on June 22, 2015, 05:06:51 PM
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired
arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking

across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello Sarge."

"Yes."

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet!

I did indeed laugh out loud at that :)

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes we do," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes it does," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied.

<snicker>

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Did Star or Mirth say this first?

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That is frakkin' funny

twitter quips tonight

QuoteDonald Trump said if Ivanka weren't his daughter he'd date her. I feel like I should add something to this to make it my own joke but why?

QuoteSaw my GF's cat notice my GF checking out other cat pics online. Not gonna lie, it was awkward.

QuoteI want an Anna in the streets and an Elsa in the sleets.

QuoteMy coworker's toddler just learned about the letter "A" so she's walking up to random people and greeting them as if she's the Fonz.

QuoteJon Snow: I've had sex. With my girlfriend.
Guy: Sure, Jon. Who's your "girlfriend"?
Jon: You don't know her. She's from North of the Wall.

QuoteStark Week, like Shark Week except way more people die.

QuoteMy favorite part of Footloose is the end when we find out the town has been full of professional dancers all along.

QuoteWe blew up FIFA, won in Amsterdam, won in Germany, and will win the WWC all in like one month. We're a soccer country now. It's happening.

Tweet tagging his wife on their anniversary

QuoteI can honestly say that these past 3 years have, without question, been the most recent years of my life.

QuoteFACT: Dellevadova, Shumpert, JR, Mike Miller, and Thompson were on the court at the same time in the NBA Finals. And their team was winning.

Heisenberg was pulled over by a cop, who asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" He replies "No, Officer, but I know where I am!"   :D

QuoteAlien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

QuoteRemember that Adam and Eve had major marital problems caused by noncompliance with the Apple End User License Agreement.

A WWII Vet is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The old vet slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in a hospital, in agonizing pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function — and an absolutely stunning, gorgeous and sexy nurse hovering over him, looking worried. He realized he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.....!!!

Yes, I have just lost my drivers license
I was stopped by police who claimed that I was drunk.
I assured them that I had not drunk anything, but they thought I should answer some questions to show if I was sober
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
- If you are driving on a dark road and meetings 2 light, what is it?
- A car.
- Yes, but it's a Mercedes, BMW or Audi?
- I do not know.
- So you're drunk.
- If you encounter 1 light, what is it?
- A motorcycle
- Yes, but it's a Honda, Kawasaki or a Harley?
- I do not know.
- So you're drunk!
Then I got mad and asked him:
- If you see a woman on a street corner, with net stockings, makeup and thigh length, what is it?
- A prostitute
- Yes but is it your daughter, mother or wife?
Since then I have no driver's license :))

And found this pearl of wisdom on youtube

If you have lots of passwords and always forget them follow this - make all your passwords "incorrect" then when you enter the wrong password the website will prompt you with a message "your password is incorrect" :)

HUSBAND: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me?

WIFE: Of course I would sweetheart.

HUSBAND: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?

WIFE: Absolutely honey.

HUSBAND: If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair?

WIFE: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?

HUSBAND: I just sprained my wrist.....

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

seen on Twitter

QuoteWomen are still the original 3D printer.

blonde joke that's actually clean, and funny


Double Pane Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year...that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.

Guess he felt really stupid, huh? ??

Some of these are pretty funny

http://distractify.com/sex-relationships/2016/11/01/twitter-sex-jokes



but these are both terrifying and hilarious

http://distractify.com/sex-relationships/2016/10/28/walking-in-on-sex
esp #9

Quote from: bayonetbrant on November 06, 2016, 08:51:34 AM
but these are both terrifying and hilarious

http://distractify.com/sex-relationships/2016/10/28/walking-in-on-sex
esp #9

Ha, yeah those are great!  #16 is probably the most disturbing for me. 

ouch
http://www.tickld.com/x/fbk/30-people-share-their-worst-fck-my-life-moments-and-theyre-so-sad-its-funny/p-4

the rest are pretty bad too

Quote from: bayonetbrant on November 07, 2016, 03:37:50 PM
ouch
http://www.tickld.com/x/fbk/30-people-share-their-worst-fck-my-life-moments-and-theyre-so-sad-its-funny/p-4

the rest are pretty bad too

Yikes, most of those are indeed bad.  :(  The one with the grandparents having sex was kinda funny, but I don't envy the grandkid! 

Read this, laughed and thought of.... [*thinking of who I haven't trolled for a while] oh WTF.... Jason!   <:-)


Today, I came home to find a sock on my bed that I had previously used to whack off. It had googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read, "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom."

http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/20-phd-students-dumb-down-their-thesis-just-for-us

Quote from: bayonetbrant on November 15, 2016, 09:26:49 AM
http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/20-phd-students-dumb-down-their-thesis-just-for-us

Most of those are pretty good.  And I agree that #6 is the best!  O0 

They're missing my favourite one.

"Farmers will adopt better farming practices if you pay them to try them out. Well over half will stop using them when you stop paying them - regardless of the increased profitability of maintaining the practices. If you do this exact same thing, but extensively involve the farm women, well over half will keep using them after you stop paying them."

(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15027381_1291239547564211_1253152410860506840_n.jpg?oh=033f1c01138c1e22998238b3354c6fae&oe=58CEE3DB)

 :clap:

Quote from: bayonetbrant on November 20, 2016, 09:13:04 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15027381_1291239547564211_1253152410860506840_n.jpg?oh=033f1c01138c1e22998238b3354c6fae&oe=58CEE3DB)

That's almost too meta to count as a joke.  It is clever, however.  :bd: 

Quote from: Martok on November 21, 2016, 02:21:31 PM

Quote from: bayonetbrant on November 20, 2016, 09:13:04 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15027381_1291239547564211_1253152410860506840_n.jpg?oh=033f1c01138c1e22998238b3354c6fae&oe=58CEE3DB)

That's almost too meta to count as a joke.  It is clever, however.  :bd:

[^Mandatory critique] followed by [-->statement of the obvious]

One of my favorites.

The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

OK, some goods ones there  :2funny:

Quote10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

:))

That one is right up there with not needing to be faster than the bear that's chasing you, just faster than the other guy that's also running away.

Quote from: Windigo on November 22, 2016, 05:18:08 PM

Quote from: Martok on November 21, 2016, 02:21:31 PM

Quote from: bayonetbrant on November 20, 2016, 09:13:04 PM
(https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15027381_1291239547564211_1253152410860506840_n.jpg?oh=033f1c01138c1e22998238b3354c6fae&oe=58CEE3DB)

That's almost too meta to count as a joke.  It is clever, however.  :bd:

[^Mandatory critique] followed by [-->statement of the obvious]

Well done, sir.  :clap: 

Quote
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

Quote
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Ha.  Brilliant!  :notworthy: 

QuoteGuy is walking down the hall of his hotel and this beautiful woman steps in front of him wearing only a trench coat and flashes him. About 10 seconds pass and the woman gasps "quick into my room I hear someone coming". They get in her room and she says "ok what part of me do you like the best". The guy responds, "honestly, your ears. Back there when you said you heard someone coming that was me"

Devastated. 😞
A very sad day today. After five grueling years of medical school, years of interning and slogging away putting in those long, unsociable hours, a very good friend of mine was fired from his profession due to one minor indiscretion. One small error of judgement in a brief moment. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a shameful waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Quote from: besilarius on December 22, 2016, 10:11:02 PM
Devastated. 😞
A very sad day today. After five grueling years of medical school, years of interning and slogging away putting in those long, unsociable hours, a very good friend of mine was fired from his profession due to one minor indiscretion. One small error of judgement in a brief moment. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a shameful waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

(https://cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder832/60677832.jpg)

;D

https://medium.com/how-pants-work/tripadvisor-reviews-of-the-hotel-california-9395cde3b391?source=reading_list---------73-3---------

QuoteI went up to very beautiful woman in the supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a minute?"
She looked puzzled, "Why talk to me?"
"Because, every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!".

QuoteTrue Story:
Up until the age of ten, Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty had shat on a wall.

QuoteLego Batman beat Fifty Shades last weekend.
And Fifty Shades liked it.

QuoteI gave my missus a bouquet of roses for Valentines Day.
She said "Aw, thanks, I love you loads Honeybear"
"And I love you tons" I replied.
"What, no nickname for me"? she asked
I swear she's going fucking deaf.

Hahaha!  That first one was my favorite. 

 An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia." Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very un-hygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."

right so a little late but anyways, im going to share a few in celebration of the international womens day.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
none it should be opened when she brings it.

what do you call a woman that just lost 75% of her intelligence ?
divorced.

Why are all hurricanes named after women ?
because they are wild and wet when they come, and take your house and car with them when they leave.

How do you change the lightbulb in the kitchen ?
you dont, the woman should know how to cook in darkness.


Ok go on and hate me  :)

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over.

Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35."

Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk.

He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, jerk!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them.

Ohm resists.

A penguin is driving through the desert on a hot summer day. Suddenly, his car breaks down. He goes to the local auto mechanic to fix it. The mechanic says, "Come back in 30 minutes and I'll tell you what's wrong." Meanwhile, the penguin is really hot in the desert. He goes and gets a vanilla ice cream to cool down. However, in the hot desert, the vanilla ice cream starts to melt. The penguin, having flippers, is unable to stop the white sticky ice cream from dripping down his face and onto the front of his tuxedo. However, it's too late now so the penguin goes back to the mechanic, who says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream!"

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said, "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?" The guy says, "Oh I went to Yale". The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday." Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

The Brits enjoy being cruel.
OER (Officer Efficiency Report) comments!​

QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This Officer can be likened to a small puppy... he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2-man submarine.

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1 hour to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.

^  Ha, fantastic!  18 and 42 were my favorites. 

Oh heck, some of those are flippin' brilliant.

36! hoo hoo  :DD

updated version of "why did the chicken cross the road"

QuoteWhy did the Chicken Cross the Road - 2016 Version
DONALD TRUMP:
We will build a huge wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY:
We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE:
We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

RAND PAUL:
It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI:
We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA:
Hillary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS:
I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON:
This isn't brain surgery. Not to look for pyramids .... it wanted grain.

SARAH PALIN:
The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA:
Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON :
What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with that chicken.

BERNIE SANDERS:
That little chicken will pay 90% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all these chickens white?

A life form walks into an intoxicant dispensing facility and says to the technician, 'You hear the latest Klingon joke?'
The technician says, 'I should warn you, I'm Klingon.'
So the life form says, 'All right then, I'll tell it slowly.'

tween-age roller derby kid who has some aphoristic wisdom to drop on you

https://www.facebook.com/Wisdom-of-Blockhead-2023661657918132/

It was on this day in 1789 that Ben Franklin wrote this famous phrase: "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." The words were the second half of a sentence he'd written in a letter his friend Jean-Baptiste Leroy. It was shortly after the United States Constitution had been ratified, and his entire sentence was this: "Our new Constitution is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency, but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."

In these times, it can be hard to know whether to laugh or to cry.

The Maid asks for a raise...which upsets the wife.
She asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maria: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maria: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I cook better food than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maria: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The third reason is that I screw better than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

^  Ha!  Good one! 

What goes, "Marc! Marc!"
  [spoiler]-- A dog with a harelip.[/spoiler]

What goes, "Nort! Nort!"
  [spoiler]-- A bull with a cleft palate.[/spoiler]

What was Hellen Keller's favorite color?
  [spoiler]-- Corduroy.[/spoiler]

(https://www.grogheads.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.tvtropes.org%2Fpmwiki%2Fpub%2Fimages%2FTommy_Lee_Facepalm_2574.png&hash=6787d52f6aa1220c641150412271f4b68e9cf636)

 :P

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ... just gonna be the two of us."

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.
One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home.
He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: "The weather is terrible outside."
Half awake the wife replies: "And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle."

Seen that one before, but it's still a classic.  :D 

Two blondes are walking in NYC and one asks, " which is closer, the moon or Florida?" And the other responds, "duh...


... can you see Florida from here?"

Quote from: Windigo on January 02, 2018, 02:00:32 PM
Two blondes are walking in NYC and one asks, " which is closer, the moon or Florida?" And the other responds, "duh...


... can you see Florida from here?"

My kinda gal!

Quote from: mirth on January 02, 2018, 02:01:44 PM
My kinda gal!

Breathing? 

Blonde... IIRC mirth has a thing for psycho blondes

I thought it was only the "psycho" part that was a requirement...?  Hair color can always be changed, after all.  :D 

What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand?
[spoiler]-- Kermit's undivided attention.[/spoiler]


A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate. The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God and all that landed outside was for himself and the parish. The priest said that his system was similar: he just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and that what landed on one side was for God and on the other side, for himself and the church. The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same lines. "I just toss the plate up in the air," he explained, "and anything God can catch, He can keep."

Pranked from beyond the grave

https://twitter.com/Flaminhaystack/status/953299644636950528

(https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/26994011_1570597582975328_4731901444723832261_n.jpg?oh=d3bcb8d7b15e02ba45899244fc4b4a59&oe=5B1D5916)

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

No, but he sure as hell will be in about 0.5 seconds.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

LMAO! :DD

 :DD

I am shamelessly stealing this one.

Turns out that today is National Tell A Joke Day.  Twitter is having fun with it...

https://twitter.com/CrestlinePrint/status/1029987881367089152


https://twitter.com/AinaLove73/status/1030057574471790592


https://twitter.com/AllanLuke3/status/1030021138141851648


https://twitter.com/craigneilcomedy/status/1029993872212914177







and the all-timer perfect Brant joke

https://twitter.com/JonnyGeller/status/1030038485997178880