Author Topic: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)  (Read 91434 times)

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Offline mirth

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #420 on: January 02, 2018, 12:01:44 PM »
Two blondes are walking in NYC and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Florida?” And the other responds, “duh...


... can you see Florida from here?”


My kinda gal!
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Offline Martok

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #421 on: January 02, 2018, 06:43:38 PM »
"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

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Offline Windigo

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #422 on: January 02, 2018, 09:44:00 PM »
Blonde... IIRC mirth has a thing for psycho blondes
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Offline Martok

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #423 on: January 02, 2018, 10:19:03 PM »
I thought it was only the "psycho" part that was a requirement...?  Hair color can always be changed, after all.  :D 
"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

Offline BanzaiCat

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #424 on: January 03, 2018, 08:09:05 AM »
What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand?
-- Kermit's undivided attention.



A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were having a discussion as to how they divided up the collection plate. The minister explained that he drew a circle on the ground, tossed the collection in the air, and that all the money that landed in the circle was for God and all that landed outside was for himself and the parish. The priest said that his system was similar: he just drew a straight line, tossed the money up, and that what landed on one side was for God and on the other side, for himself and the church. The rabbi admitted that his system worked along somewhat the same lines. "I just toss the plate up in the air," he explained, "and anything God can catch, He can keep."

Offline bayonetbrant

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #425 on: January 19, 2018, 08:24:00 AM »
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Offline bayonetbrant

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #426 on: January 26, 2018, 06:09:48 PM »
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Offline bayonetbrant

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #427 on: May 20, 2018, 06:47:53 PM »
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
« Last Edit: May 20, 2018, 07:19:06 PM by bayonetbrant »
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Offline bayonetbrant

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #428 on: May 20, 2018, 06:54:46 PM »
A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
« Last Edit: May 20, 2018, 07:19:55 PM by bayonetbrant »
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Offline BanzaiCat

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #429 on: May 21, 2018, 12:54:07 PM »
No, but he sure as hell will be in about 0.5 seconds.

Offline bayonetbrant

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #430 on: June 20, 2018, 02:32:27 PM »
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Offline bob48

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #431 on: June 20, 2018, 02:51:36 PM »
LMAO! :DD
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Offline OJsDad

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #432 on: June 20, 2018, 02:55:19 PM »
 :DD
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Offline Windigo

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Re: Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)
« Reply #433 on: June 21, 2018, 01:24:30 PM »
I am shamelessly stealing this one.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know.

Offline bayonetbrant

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The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers