Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

[bob48]

OK, some goods ones there 

[Staggerwing]

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

:))

That one is right up there with not needing to be faster than the bear that's chasing you, just faster than the other guy that's also running away.

[Martok]

That's almost too meta to count as a joke.  It is clever, however.  :bd:

[^Mandatory critique] followed by [-->statement of the obvious]

Well done, sir.  :clap: 

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Ha.  Brilliant!   

[bayonetbrant]

Guy is walking down the hall of his hotel and this beautiful woman steps in front of him wearing only a trench coat and flashes him. About 10 seconds pass and the woman gasps "quick into my room I hear someone coming". They get in her room and she says "ok what part of me do you like the best". The guy responds, "honestly, your ears. Back there when you said you heard someone coming that was me"

[besilarius]

Devastated. 😞
A very sad day today. After five grueling years of medical school, years of interning and slogging away putting in those long, unsociable hours, a very good friend of mine was fired from his profession due to one minor indiscretion. One small error of judgement in a brief moment. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a shameful waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

[BanzaiCat]

Devastated. 😞
A very sad day today. After five grueling years of medical school, years of interning and slogging away putting in those long, unsociable hours, a very good friend of mine was fired from his profession due to one minor indiscretion. One small error of judgement in a brief moment. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a shameful waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

;D

[bayonetbrant]

https://medium.com/how-pants-work/tripadvisor-reviews-of-the-hotel-california-9395cde3b391?source=reading_list---------73-3---------

[bayonetbrant]

I went up to very beautiful woman in the supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a minute?"
She looked puzzled, "Why talk to me?"
"Because, every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!".

True Story:
Up until the age of ten, Sean Connery's son thought Humpty Dumpty had shat on a wall.

Lego Batman beat Fifty Shades last weekend.
And Fifty Shades liked it.

I gave my missus a bouquet of roses for Valentines Day.
She said "Aw, thanks, I love you loads Honeybear"
"And I love you tons" I replied.
"What, no nickname for me"? she asked
I swear she's going fucking deaf.

[Martok]

Hahaha!  That first one was my favorite. 

[besilarius]

 An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia." Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very un-hygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the doughnuts."

[jejo68]

right so a little late but anyways, im going to share a few in celebration of the international womens day.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
none it should be opened when she brings it.

what do you call a woman that just lost 75% of her intelligence ?
divorced.

Why are all hurricanes named after women ?
because they are wild and wet when they come, and take your house and car with them when they leave.

How do you change the lightbulb in the kitchen ?
you dont, the woman should know how to cook in darkness.


Ok go on and hate me  :)

[bayonetbrant]

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over.

Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35."

Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk.

He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, jerk!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them.

Ohm resists.

[bayonetbrant]

A penguin is driving through the desert on a hot summer day. Suddenly, his car breaks down. He goes to the local auto mechanic to fix it. The mechanic says, "Come back in 30 minutes and I'll tell you what's wrong." Meanwhile, the penguin is really hot in the desert. He goes and gets a vanilla ice cream to cool down. However, in the hot desert, the vanilla ice cream starts to melt. The penguin, having flippers, is unable to stop the white sticky ice cream from dripping down his face and onto the front of his tuxedo. However, it's too late now so the penguin goes back to the mechanic, who says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream!"

[bayonetbrant]

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said, "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?" The guy says, "Oh I went to Yale". The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday." Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

[besilarius]

The Brits enjoy being cruel.
OER (Officer Efficiency Report) comments!​

QUOTES FROM BRITISH MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This Officer can be likened to a small puppy... he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2-man submarine.

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1 hour to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.