NFL QB's on Facebook

[Martok]

<snicker>



On the flip side, this one *is* from PFM, and it's actually a somewhat touching -- yet still humorous -- tribute to a man the league is poorer without: 

Ralph Wilson Awarded Four Lombardi Trophies Upon Arriving In Heaven

ETERNAL PARADISE – Ralph Wilson Jr., beloved longtime owner of the Buffalo Bills, passed away Tuesday at the age of 95, and was immediately greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates of Heaven with a pair of custom fitted angel wings, a solid gold halo, and four shiny Lombardi Trophies commemorating the dominant Bills teams of the mid 1990s, according to afterworld sources on the scene.

“Here you go big fella. These are for you,” said the saint upon presenting the trophies to the surprised but smiling Wilson. “We’ve been keeping these babies warm for you ever since ’95. Enjoy ‘em Ralph. You earned them.”

Wilson, whose team advanced to an unmatched four consecutive Super Bowl berths from 1990-1993, only to lose each time, hugged the trophies tightly as a look of peaceful joy spread across his face, before addressing the assembled angels and saints.

“I… I don’t understand,” Wilson reportedly uttered, still smiling. “Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate this. But we, we didn’t win those games.”

“Up here, anything is possible,” replied Saint Peter warmly. “You and the Bills not only won all four of those games, but your average margin of victory was over four touchdowns. You’re listed in Wikipedia as ‘the greatest NFL dynasty of all time.’ Congrats, big guy.”

“That was a nice moment,” Peter would later recall as Wilson carried the four trophies to his glorious sky-mansion. “He was really happy to get those Lombardis. It reminded me of the smile on (deceased Bears RB) Walter Payton’s face when we showed him the video of him scoring five touchdowns against the Patriots in the Super Bowl. It’s special moments like that that make this job worthwhile.”

[Martok]

Jerry Jones Trades Cowboys 1st Round Draft Pick For Handful of Magic Beans

DALLAS – Cowboys owner/G.M. Jerry Jones executed a surprising pre-draft trade earlier today when he sent his team’s first round choice, the number sixteen pick overall, to Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots in exchange for a medium-sized handful of beans, local sources confirmed earlier today.

“Not just any beans. These are magic beans,” gushed the giddy Jones. “I tell you, old Jerry here really pulled a fast one on poor Bill Belichick. When he told me that he had these special beans available for a trade, and that all he wanted was our first round pick, I knew I had to act fast before some other G.M. took advantage of his foolish generosity.”

Added Jones: “Haha. Sucker!”

The beans, believed to be a mixture of common household chickpeas, Spanish lentils, and red kidney beans, will hep turn the Cowboys into “instant Super Bowl contenders,” according to Jones.

“Apparently, all we have to do is plant these bad boys right at our 50 yard line, and BAM, by the next morning we will have sprouted a fully grown strong side pass rusher capable of running a 4.5 in the 40 yard dash, a hard-hitting free safety with a 45.0 vertical jump and a big bodied left guard who can bench over 40 reps of 225 pounds without breaking a sweat. And all for the low, low cost of just the number sixteen overall pick? Ha! Jerry my boy, you’ve done it again.”

When reminded by reporters that AT&T Cowboys Stadium contains an artificial playing surface, which would make planting the beans an impossibility, Jones replied, “Well, duh. Obviously, we’re going to tear up our current field and replace it with 100% natural dirt and grass so that we can plant these little beauties. C’mon guys. I’m not an idiot, you know.”

Reaction around the league to the Cowboys’ bean acquisition ranged from shock and disbelief to, in at least one case, envy.

“Dammit. How the hell did we let Dallas beat us to that sweet deal?” stated outraged Redskins owner Dan Snyder. “Someone get me Belichick on the phone, pronto. Ask him if he still has that goose he told me about one time. The one that lays golden Lombardi trophies and shits Super Bowl rings. If he does, our next three first round picks could have his name on ‘em.”

[bayonetbrant]

they're baaaaaa-aaack

http://profootballmock.com/facebookchat/nfl-qbs-facebook-draftitude/

[Martok]

Ha!  Right out the starting gate: 

ELI MANNING WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF BIG-TIME PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL, JOHNNY MANZIEL.

COLIN KAEPERNICK Wait, I thought he got drafted by the Browns?

And of course, the always-classic picking on Romo and the 'Boys: 

JOE FLACCO In other schedule news, did you notice that the Cowboys play the Redskins on the last week of the season?

MATT RYAN Really? Well then, congratulations Washington.

RGIII WHOO-HOO! WASHINGTON REDSKINS, 2014 NFC EAST CHAMPS BAYBEE

TONY ROMO Hey! Playing us the final week of the season does NOT guarantee that you will win the NFC East!

THE 2011 GIANTS, 2012 REDSKINS, and 2013 EAGLES beg to differ

 

[MetalDog]

There's much better stuff than that, but I am not going to give it away.



"Hodor"

[Martok]

This was almost certainly my favorite bit: 

BATMAN He's not really the hero that Cleveland wants. But he is the one that they deserve.

[Martok]

Marshawn Lynch Surprise Winner In Belmont Stakes

ELMONT, NY – Outpacing favorites such as Wicked Strong, Tonalist, and the heavily favored California Chrome, Seattle Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch galloped to a 1.75 lengths victory in the 146th running of the Belmont Stakes today.

“On behalf of the NYRA and thoroughbred racing fans everywhere, we’d like to extend our sincere, albeit slightly confused, congratulations to Mr. Lynch for his surprising victory today,” said Jenny Kellner, spokeswoman for the New York Racing Association. “In all honesty, we were caught slightly off-guard by Mr. Lynch’s last second entry into the race. But we checked and double-checked the rule book, and nowhere did it specify that race entrants had to have four legs or a tail. And a basic medical exam of Mr. Lynch revealed him to be more horse-like than man anyway.”

Added Kellner: “And besides, his jockey, Mr. R. Wilson, met the appropriate height requirements. So we made the decision to allow him to compete.”

Lynch’s win, timed at an official 2:28:50, is the fastest time run by a professional football player in a triple crown race since former Tennessee Titan Adam “Pacman” Jones ran a 2:28:35 at the 2008 Preakness Stakes (although Jones’ time was later disqualified due to the fact that he was running from federal authorities at the time).

At press time, Lynch himself was unavailable for comment as he was strapped to a feed bag containing five pounds of alfalfa cubes, grain oats, and Tropical Flavor Skittles.

[Martok]

Bwahahaha!! 



Dry-Cleaning Bill Of $43.08 Sends Peyton Manning Into PTSD Rage

DENVER – Broncos QB Peyton Manning, during a brief stop yesterday at Stain-B-Gone Dry Cleaners to pick up some freshly laundered dress shirts and slacks, flew into what witnesses described as a, “violently unhinged temper tantrum,” upon learning that the bill for the cleaning service amounted to precisely $43.08, a figure reminiscent of the 43-8 loss his Denver squad suffered at the hands of the Seattle Seahawks in February’s Super Bowl.

“It was crazy,” remarked Stain-B-Gone employee Evelyn Patterson. “I handed him his clothes, told him the bill came out to $43.08, and waited for him to hand me a credit card. Instead, his eye started to twitch, his lip began to curl, and his forehead turned, like, six different shades of red. Next thing I know, he starts howling at the top of his lungs and pounding his fists on the desk. Then he leapt over the counter and began yanking dozens of garments away from the conveyor belt and tearing them in half with his teeth.”

Added Patterson: “All the while, he’s screaming, ‘You goddamn little blue and green shitbirds! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you all!’ It really freaked out the owner of the pet shop next door.”

“Mr Manning’s behavior indicates he’s suffering from a classic case of PTSD, or ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,’” said local clinical psychologist Dr. Suzanne Rosten. “When an individual suffers an awful, traumatizing experience, often the pent=up emotion associated with that experience can come flooding back due to a ‘trigger,’ as was the case with this dry cleaning bill. Normally, we see PTSD in police officers or war veterans, not in people who simply play sports for a living. But then again there was nothing simple about that humiliating beatdown the ‘Hawks hammered down on the Broncos. We should consider ourselves lucky Mr. Manning didn’t go on a cross-country murder spree after an ass-kicking like that.”

[bayonetbrant]

They're baaaaa-ack!

http://profootballmock.com/facebookchat/nfl-qbs-facebook-spent-summer/

[bayonetbrant]

TONY ROMO:  OMG, I was rooting for the Viper SO MUCH in his match against The Mountain.

TYRION LANNISTER:  GODDAMMIT, ROMO!

[Martok]

They're baaaaa-ack!

http://profootballmock.com/facebookchat/nfl-qbs-facebook-spent-summer/

Hahahahaha!!! 

So much awesome in this entry, I could just quote the whole thing.  Great way to kick off the season! 

[MetalDog]

CARSON PALMER
You know, it dawns on me that we didn’t talk very much about, you know, football stuff in this convo.

RGIII
Well, there’s not much for us to talk about, since we didn’t watch any real football this week.

CAM NEWTON
Ooh, ohh. “Things Cleveland Browns fans say every week during the NFL season?”


Sucks to be a Browns fan.  Probably as much as it does to be a Vikings fan

[Martok]

Don't make me unleash the pun-ographers, MD.  Gods help me, I *will* do it!   

[Martok]

"Hazing the Rookies"

CARSON PALMER Don't worry Brady. Galapagos's hazing is a three-pronged trio of terror.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO Fine, I'm up for a challenge. Lay them on me.

JOSH McCOWN First, you have to beat Rob Gronkowski in three straight games of beer pong.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO I hear he's the master of that game, but sure, I'll give it a try.

JOSH McCOWN Next you have to run a hundred yard dash in 10 seconds, while carrying Vince Wilfork on your shoulders.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO Okie-doke. I'll give it my best shot.

JOSH McCOWN And finally, you have to make Bill Belichick smile.

JIMMY GAROPPOLO IMPOSSIBLE! THAT CAN'T BE DONE!

 

[Arctic Blast]

ANDY DALTON Hey, you guys wanna know why I’m feeling pretty good this week?
ANDY DALTON Because THE BENGALS JUST EXTENDED MY CONTRACT BY SIX YEARS!
REST OF AFC NORTH WHOO-HOO! That news makes all of us feel pretty “extended” as well.
BEN ROETHLISBERGER THEY’RE SAYING THAT ANDY DALTON IS SO BAD, THE IDEA OF HIM PLAYING IN CINCINNATI FOR SIX MORE YEARS GIVES THEM ALL ERECTIONS IN THEIR PENISESESESESES.
DREW BREES Ben, you call more than 1 penis, “penises.”
TOM BRADY And you call 53 of them, “The New York Jets.”