The Year In Review

[bayonetbrant]

http://www.miamiherald.com/living/liv-columns-blogs/dave-barry/article51119880.html

excerpts

In Paris, two million people march in a solidarity rally following the horrific terrorist attack on the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo.

Eyebrows are raised when not a single top U.S. official attends, but several days later, Secretary of State John Kerry arrives in France with James Taylor, who — this really happened — performs the song You've Got a Friend. This bold action strikes fear into the hearts of terrorists, who realize that Secretary Kerry is fully capable, if necessary, of unleashing Barry Manilow.

The Super Bowl

The most surprising play comes at the end of the game, when the Seahawks, on second and goal with 26 seconds left and Marshawn Lynch, who is basically a UPS truck only harder to tackle, in the backfield, elect to throw a pass, which is intercepted. After the game Seattle Coach Pete Carroll defends his decision to pass. He is immediately hired as a strategic consultant by the Jeb Bush campaign.

Abroad, Russian President Vladimir Putin mysteriously vanishes from public view for 10 days. It is later revealed that he was training customer-service representatives for Comcast.

there is troubling news from Baltimore, where the death of an African-American man in police custody touches off a conversation on race that lasts several days, resulting in 250 arrests and extensive property damage. The Rev. Al Sharpton rushes to the scene but is unable to prevent things from eventually calming down.

In Garland, Texas, two armed men are gunned down by police after they open fire on a security guard outside an exhibit of Muhammed cartoons, highlighting the need for a national conversation on the problem of cartoonists drawing things that leave religious fanatics with no choice but to try to kill them. James Taylor is unavailable, so federal authorities dispatch The Captain and Tennille to the scene, where they perform a powerful version of Muskrat Love.

In sports, FIFA, the scandal-plagued governing body of international soccer, suspends its president, Sepp "Sepp" Blatter. Among those seeking to replace him is a South African businessman named — we are not making this name up — Tokyo Sexwale.

sooooooooo much more at the link