GROG THE CONQUEROR for PRESIDENT - A Political Machine 2016 AAR

[BanzaiCat]

Greetings all, and thank you for stopping by.

The Political Machine 2016 is a political simulator (albeit a light-hearted one) where no less than the Presidency of the United States of America is the goal. This game simulates the run for the White House, starting after winning the nomination from your chosen Party, then moving through the campaign process, and finally, ending with Election Night, where you see the fruits of your labors spilled out as the game goes through each state, showing which side won what state, and keeping a running tally of the Electoral Votes needed to reside in the White House for the next four years.



You can choose from several existing candidates, or even create your own.



The game's set-up is pretty straightforward. For this little endeavor, I'm going with a medium-length Campaign (26 weeks, where each week is one turn), 100% funds (which is normal, though you can up or lower your starting coffers if you want), and Normal difficulty (I've already won this game on Cakewalk - the easiest - and Easy - the next easiest).

There's options at left that let you choose to randomize several things, including the states' populations (which will impact their importance as far as Electoral Votes go), and several other things. I'm not selecting any of them for this game.

(Note that the last couple of screenshots, I had scaled down by 50% so they'd fit on the screen, but they look too blurry. From this point forward I'll just set their image width here in the posts to hopefully make them clearer.)

I thought about playing Trump again, but there wouldn't be much fun in that. I haven't done the Create-A-Candidate function yet, so that's where I'm headed next!



What you see here are all the default settings for your candidate. You can name them, set their political party (which I think is only Democrat or Republican), and do a few other superficial things that only affect appearances and not the actual game. What does affect the game, though, are the candidate's Characteristics.

You can view the list here. They're pretty self-explanatory:



At start, you have 10 points to spend to increase any of them (and can decrease them if you want, to get more points). Each costs one point to raise (or gives you one point to lower), with the exception of Stamina, Money, and Fund Raising, which each raising/lowering costing/giving two points instead.

Fiddling around a little with the settings, and checking out the various outfits, hats, facial features, and such, I give you the Republican nominee for President of the United States...GROG THE CONQUEROR.



Note the piercing, lizard-like eyes, the commanding monocle, the drooling mouth, the America-themed Viking helmet (not to mention the sword as well), and the spiky armor. This is a candidate not to be trifled with, and his characteristics reflect it.

Some of them, I left alone, but others I altered, using the following reasoning.

Stamina: 6
I raised this by one (costing two points) because Stamina determines how many things you can do each turn.

Charisma: 9
Nobody wants a wimp for a leader. GROG THE CONQUEROR is a commanding presence that acts as a magnet. Nobody dares ignore GROG when he strides into a room, combat armor boots clanking and likely making divots in the floor. His lizardly, Sauron-like eyes see all, and his monocle gives him a certain Prussian authoritarian stance...making him an immediate expert at strategery.

Appearance: 2
I took three points away here, because he does kinda look like an assh*le.

Intelligence: 9
GROG THE CONQUEROR has a Titan-like intelligence that makes interviewers putty in his mighty armored fists. He is as much an artist with words as he is with his sword, carving literary genius through opposing torsos with grace and eloquence.

Media Bias: 6
Despite his appearance, he knows what to say and when to say it, giving the Satan-spawn media of this country a begrudging admittance to his leadership ability.

Now that GROG THE CONQUEROR has been created, he requires a human sacrifice an opponent to run against.

Whom shall it be?



The Capo of the Clinton clan, Hillary, is the default choice when you get to this screen. But note the plethora of opponents on the Democrat side you can run against (if you're playing a Republican, of course).

What's interesting here is you can run against Bill Clinton if you like (his Credibility is in the toilet along with his wife's, too...heh-heh), or even Michelle Obama (but why she would be included and not Obama himself is kind of a mystery...I mean, if you include Bill, you'd think Obama would be in there too).

And...Al Franken? Really?

Bernie Sanders is an intriguing victi-errr, I mean, opponent for GROG THE CONQUEROR. However, Bernie's Charisma is as high as GROG's, and we do not need a smart-mouthed, tax-crazy lunatic to run against.

Instead, we'll go with the default crypt-keeper: Hillary Clinton.

Here is the map at start. Note that a lot of states are red (showing Republican leaning), while New York and California are solidly in the Democrat camp.

GROG THE CONQUEROR wants none of this. ALL WILL BOW BEFORE HIS MIGHT.



Why did I make Maine GROG THE CONQUEROR's home state, you might ask? Well, initially, I was going to do a mirth vs. Starfury Presidential campaign, but decided that could be an AAR for another time. The home state your candidate comes from helps increase Awareness in that state for said candidate.

From this point on I will probably make one post per Week, and will probably embellish a lot of the gameplay. The game is quick and easy to get into, but there's a lot of things going on that can make or break a candidacy.

[Sir Slash]

He's got my vote. Or votes if necessary. Grog approves this message.

[KyzBP]

I'm starting a Super PAC for Grog!  Our country needs this kind of dictator leader.

Btw, I think they have Hillary's credibility rated a little high.  ;)

[JasonPratt]

Thank goodness you crossed out 'human sacrifice'! I'm not sure that would be applicable against Clinton.  >:D

Also, thank goodness you're doing this AAR, so that I can concentrate on other things.  O0 (I've played this game every election season for years, and was thinking of doing an AAR this time.)

The Groginati support this message.

[BanzaiCat]

Week 1 (of 26)

In Week One, GROG THE CONQUEROR begins his journey to overlordship in his home state of Maine. Having been raised on a steady diet of beer, hockey, and maple syrup, and mixed with the tedium of long winters and f*ck-all to do in Maine during the year, GROG has had the perfect fuel to power his younger years, growing strong in body and mind. Whether reading classic tales of dominance by world-famous conquerors such as Jackie Collins and Peter North, GROG has learned all there is to learn.

He merely had to step into the Republican nomination convention and like an Alpha male, proceed to urinate upon everything in sight, marking it as GROGs territory (as Grogs are known to do from time to time). The rest of the story is somewhat vague, especially the part revolving around what happened to the other Republican nominees. There is one rumor, though, that GROG THE CONQUEROR keeps the skulls of his vanquished opponents on his private jet, Valhalla .45 Megadeth.

Okay, okay. On with it.



GROG begins in his home state of Maine, where he enjoys only a slight lead over the Democrats. This does not please GROG. Not at all. So he spends some of his Stamina to build an HQ building.

There are three HQ buildings that can be constructed. Each side can only have one in any single state. If you want another type in that state after you've already built one, you have to demolish it and build a brand new one.



The first is a Campaign Headquarters. These are built to bring in a steady stream of cash to your Campaign. You can also Fundraise in states you visit, with varying results based on your popularity and the state's wealth also, but that's only when you're willing to spend some stamina to do so. These structures automatically sink cash into your fundage every turn.

The second is a Consulting Office. It generates political capital each turn, which is a certain number of points. You can then use these points to hire Operatives, like a speech writer, fashion consultant, or less above-the-board individuals, to help your Campaign.

The third and final building is an Outreach Center. These generate PR Clout, which is used to secure Endorsements from powerful groups.

In his home state of Maine, GROG automatically has a Campaign Headquarters. The state is pretty small potatoes when it comes to electoral votes, so GROG decides to fly to the lion's (lie-ons?) den, New York.

There, GROG orders the construction of a Campaign Headquarters. This will secure a minor presence in a Democrat-dominated state. He can always return later to try to undermine her evil presence.

GROG then surveys all the states remaining. He notes that most run red with the blood of his enemies, and this is good. These are states leaning towards electing him, but they might not stay that way.

He notices an opportunity down south...in Texas. The state usually votes Republican, but it's showing currently as being undecided. GROG THE CONQUEROR cannot abide this, and flies in to discuss the matter with the locals.



See? SEE?

Upon landing, the state immediately turns red. Perhaps from embarrassment of not embracing their future lord. Perhaps because they sacrificed their enemies upon their steer-horned Cadillacs.

To help cement his rule here, GROG orders the construction of an Outreach Center. This gives him PR, and also helps raise awareness for his cause. Upgrading this in the future will cost a lot of money, but will increase awareness in the state, and even the region if upgraded again.

Now, GROG is tired. GROG has finished doing what he can, and notes that Hillary the Aged has stayed in New York, She must fear GROG's almighty sword. Yeah, that has to be it - she doesn't like swords. Probably why Bill had to use his on an intern.

GROG RESTS.

[Sir Slash]

This is kind of like Presidential Total War. I like it. By the way BC, what's Grog's position on free Viagra for Grogheads?

[JasonPratt]

That we don't need it, and so there is no need to spend the people's money on it when we could all have swords instead?

[airboy]

Go Grog!

Why choose the lesser evil?  Choose Grog!

Grog who can fight for the wimmin, just like the Hell Spawn he is campaigning against.  Hell Spawn does not like Swords!

[DoctorQuest]

Issues, smissues. What is GROG's position on bacon?

One must always consider the demographic.

[BanzaiCat]

I'll definitely get back to this as soon as I can.

And GROG THE CONQUEROR will field any and all questions.

[mirth]

Hi GROG,

Mirth here. Where is my TV remote?

Thx!

[JasonPratt]

Hi GROG,

Are there questions you would consider not answering?

...oh, crap, wargamer's old emote cluster is gone! um... imagine a smiley throwing up here, I guess.


Followup question,

where did the smilies get moved to?

Thx!

[BanzaiCat]

what's Grog's position on free Viagra for Grogheads?

GROG THE CONQUEROR DESIRES A PILL FOR EVERY POT-BELLIED COUCH POTATO ON THESE BOARDS. PLUS FEMALES OF APPROPRIATE BREEDING AGE TO ENSURE THE GROGLINE^TM IS CONTINUED FORTHWITH AND GENERATIONS OF NERDS TO CONTINUE TO PLAY GAMES AND CARRY ON THE PUN TRADITIONS.

PUNS AMUSE GROG GREATLY.

[BanzaiCat]

so there is no need to spend the people's money on it when we could all have swords instead?

GROG THE CONQUEROR DESIRES THAT A NATIONAL SYSTEM OF BLACKSMITHS BE CREATED TO TEACH THE LOST ARTS OF SWORD FORGING, VIKING HELMET MANUFACTURING, AND 80s METAL MUSIC VIDEO MONTAGES ACCOMPANYING SAME.

GROG SHALL GET FUNDS FROM STUPID THINGS CURRENT GOVERNMENT SPENDS MONEY ON. SIXTEEN TO TWENTY MILLION US DOLLARS SPENT BY OBAMA ON INDONESIAN PEOPLE GETTING MASTERS DEGREES? THIRTY MILLION TO PAKISTAN SO THEIR FARMERS CAN GROW MORE MANGOS?

MANGOS ARE FRUIT OF LIBERAL-DEMOCRAT AGENDA. MANGOS MUST BE DESTROYED. AND LIBERALS.

DESTROYING THINGS AMUSES GROG GREATLY.

[BanzaiCat]

Go Grog!

Why choose the lesser evil?  Choose Grog!

Grog who can fight for the wimmin, just like the Hell Spawn he is campaigning against.  Hell Spawn does not like Swords!

GROG WISHES TO MAKE YOU SECRETARY OF SWORDS WHEN ELECTED.

ARBITRARY REWARDING OF IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT POSITIONS AMUSES GROG GREATLY.