CK2 King of Leon AAR

[undercovergeek]

I go to Decisions and choose Amass Wealth - a man has to have a goal. Im tempted by the 'invite noble' and 'invite holy man' - the Council is very, very weak - more on that later, and ive no idea what kind of Holy Man is going to come whilst im excommunicated - ill give that one a miss!

Wow - Fat Pedro seems pissed - its the weight comments, it must be



I give him a fancy title to make him feel better, Food Taster crossed my mind but, well...... im in enough trouble with him already!



Dammit, he was shaping up nicely in the Martial department too. Alfonso Junior takes over.



Well, its time to kick my brothers ass, spurred on mainly by his total lack of ability to hold onto his own lands, i must not let all of Galicia fall into Muslim hands. I opt for my claim as opposed to my mothers, to make sure i get the land and not her - a quick check on her screen suggests i wouldnt be the heir when she dies, so im fighting for my own lands. Youll also see out East that Castille is about to get sponked as well - its abundantly clear to Alfonso the Wise that all that Spain needs saving from is itself and its inept royalty.



And that was the Royal Galician Army, battered and ruined by a constant war with a Muslim neighbour it couldnt hope to beat - i set seige to the town, castle and outlying lands

[undercovergeek]

My brother brings in my cousin the King of Navarre - its too late for that, by the time he gets to Galicia i'll have a 100% war score and smashed my brother to bits. However, Castille is getting hammered - to step in would be suicide as one ends up taking on all of Moor-ish Spain - ill let it ride and rescue Castille later.



Within 4 months, and predictably before Navarre gets there, the warscore hits 100% as the last parts of his kingdom surrender. You'll also notice Castille is now a one province Kingdom under the name of Viscaya - its going to be a long job getting Spain to be Spanish - ill explain my evil plan how to later.



The new Leon, the first step of many.



5 weeks of peace and harmony are shattered by Fat Pedro's war of Crown Authority, obviously the new job title didnt impress him - he's upset i wont let him rule his own province as he wishes - Vallodolid - i tell him to shut up............... he goes to war supported by my brother in Galicia who also declares independance - he needs bringing down a peg or two.



Within almost a year its settled, the rebellion has been put down and the Muslims that appeared out of nowhere to carry on the fight with an independant Galicia once it reappeared, melt into the background again - opportunist bastards!

[Martok]

This is great stuff, undercovergeek! 

[undercovergeek]

thanks martok - having a great time - more later

[undercovergeek]

Within 3 months Fat Pedro and my evil brother are plotting rebellion again, i have learnt my lesson in leniancy! Traitors that they are its the prison for them - I imprison my brother, and strip him of the Kingship of Galicia, thats mine now and i am the most powerful westerner in Spain - he is left as a duke and i leave him in charge of these lands but behind my bars. Off now to Valladolid to meet out the same justice................ except this time it doesnt go so well, Fat Pedro escapes, raises his (ahem) army and declares his independance again. Its just a small inconvenience, march to down to Valladolid, give him a slap, give his Muslim backers a slap and throw him in prison, easy as p...........................



F**K!

I think today it would be called permanent vegatative state, in Medieval Leon it means s***e! Im unsure this is recoverable - decisions of state need to be made.



Bishop Muno - a good man, hes the only one on the council to be called friend and he seems capable enough. The only thing i cant do with a regent is change laws and im not changing any for a while. For now Alfonso is spoon fed soup whilst his army mops up Fat Pedro and this time throw him in jail - hes stripped of his Count rank, and left to the loyal prison guards - he says one thing, one thing about the comfort down there and hes going to be a head shorter than he was before he complained



He's still rabble rousing and stirring dissention, particularly in Galicia, as an attempt at an RPG and to have Alfonso honourable (apart from maybe the cousin thing!) it galls me to consider the Kinslayer option but i need Leon to start to work as one to tackle the Muslims, and lets face it he's not long for the world, how long is Kinslayer going to be a bad stat for a man who drools all day?

CHOP



Here he is, my nephew, the Duke of Galicia - whats that you say? Again please i cant hear you through all my 'crushed head' bandages? Yes, yes i know, a handsome unbetrothed member of my family with a large inheritance to be had, and me with daughters to be wed! Alfonso goes out in style by betrothing his first daughter to his nephew, whos father he had killed, in a matrilineal marriage (meaning i get all the kids), and then setting up a 'assassinate the nephew when the boys are born' savings account down at the Madrid Savings & Loan

[TheCommandTent]

Alfonso goes out in style by betrothing his first daughter to his nephew, whos father he had killed, in a matrilineal marriage (meaning i get all the kids), and then setting up a 'assassinate the nephew when the boys are born' savings account down at the Madrid Savings & Loan

My favorite line of the AAR so far.  I almost spit my drink out on the keyboard.

[undercovergeek]

Alfonso goes out in style by betrothing his first daughter to his nephew, whos father he had killed, in a matrilineal marriage (meaning i get all the kids), and then setting up a 'assassinate the nephew when the boys are born' savings account down at the Madrid Savings & Loan

My favorite line of the AAR so far.  I almost spit my drink out on the keyboard.

lol - assassinating is a very expensive business in CK2 - if i cant get monthly instalments on a job then its to the piggy banks!

[Martok]

Alfonso goes out in style by betrothing his first daughter to his nephew, whos father he had killed, in a matrilineal marriage (meaning i get all the kids), and then setting up a 'assassinate the nephew when the boys are born' savings account down at the Madrid Savings & Loan

My favorite line of the AAR so far.  I almost spit my drink out on the keyboard.

Seconded.  Definitely my biggest "laugh out loud" moment in the campaign thus far! 

[undercovergeek]

Right under this notification is Alfonso VI's passing also - the new King's folks wiped out in 2 days! The poet in me likes to think she died of a broken heart, the cynic in me thinks it was a successful assassination plot and ill never know, the realist in me knows its the gaming Gods and theyre still pissed i married my cousin.

My brother becomes Count of Zamora, and my sister becomes an evil b***** - i realise now my succession laws mean the lands are split amongst the children - not just straight to the eldest son - ill see how that plays for a while, im in no rush to change it



This isnt the best news - its going to go one of 2 ways - further sickness/pneumonia or he'll get better - he's already depressed due to the double parent loss. I hand him over to the Martial to toughen him up a bit.



Holy war you say? General Haigh of WW1 wasnt the first to throw troops into the meat grinder without pity you know. This was Alfonso's first prodding of the muslims - id seen the disadvantage of the full scale Holy Wars and territorial wars for lots of land, so far theyve all turned out to be inconclusive, long, protracted affairs with little success - i give you Castille and Galicia as evidence. What Alfonso needs to do is 'smash and grab', take as little land as fast as possible - in doing so we can pick off the independants and the 'one territory' kingdoms and grow Leon this way. This was the first try and it worked, its very unnerving towards the end as more and more muslim armies are drawn into the fight and march toward you - but as long as you can get a 100% warscore before they get there then you can agree terms with the defeated and watch the imposing armies disappear into the mist - the fights over Omar - youre too late, and all this land is mine son!!!



There it is 'Calatayud' just south of Zaragoza, it comes with 3 titles, the Count of the land itself, the mayorship of the town of Alhama De Aragon, and the Bishopric of Piedra. My new spymaster is made the count, my steward is made the mayor and the Bishop Chancellor receives the bishopric and me some piety and 3 new vassals.



So heres the new board - Bishop Muno dredging up a false claim in Zaragoza - next smash and grab target - need to top up the 'Mercenary Piggy Bank' first and then choose from the list of Europe's 'Pillage a Village' Winners 1081 to take with me to battle. He's dredging up a false claim for the land as opposed to using the De Jure Cassus Belli ruling (which means it used to be Spanish and therefore were allowed to fight for it back) because if i take it back through De Jure i have to keep the current landowner but he becomes my vassal as opposed to the previous liege, and i doesnt feel right trying to recapture Spain from the muslims whilst having them in my court and paying me taxes. I give him 7/10 - he gets the job done but id like a higher diplomacy skill eventually

Mayor Lope of Beja, the Martial - hes Alfonso's guardian at the moment, im hoping to try and knock some martial skills into him 6/10

Arias the Steward - it doesnt say so but im sure hes alcoholic - always brings in the cash and an occassional bonus from Leon 7/10

Fernando the Spymaster - sigh, really? 10 for intrigue this is the best we can do?  4/10

Chaplain Egas - he kicks ass in Rome, always getting piety bonuses and the Pope loves Leon

[Martok]

A pity your ruler's father died so young, but I suppose it happens to even the most robust of monarchs.  Long live Alfonso VII! 

...and then choose from the list of Europe's 'Pillage a Village' Winners 1081 to take with me to battle.

You do know how to elicit a good chuckle, my friend.  :D 

[undercovergeek]

 :P

More later - the battle for Badajoz was a bit epic, and neither smashy or grabby!!!

[undercovergeek]

Target number 2 - the shining city of Zaragoza - we plan a smash and grab with the Saxon Company and hope we can get in and out before any of the big guys can jump in. Im not bothered by Albarracin, Leida or Urgell - these guys are all small army nations and will be Leonese before the turn of the century - my main concern is the Dhunnunid empire to the West - the eradicators of Castille. The clever/infuriating thing about CK2 is you cant move your troops to the border and declare war, you cant have any armies in the field when you declare war - so if i declare on Zaragoza i have a race to the city before the Dhunnunids either come to its defence or siege a retaliatory town.



This is just bad timing by the boy King Osorio of Navarra - i have to refuse, Holy Wars will pull in all the Muslims as opposed to De Jure wars which only pull in allies (this is the pay off to counter my last point about De Jure - with De Jure you get the vassal be it Muslim or not, with Holy war you get the land as yours but it pulls in everyone - swings and roundabouts). I would like to think there would be a chapter in contemporary history books about Christian Spain in my 1081 - it is entirely ruled by children!



Dammit - more bad timing but this in a good way. I get the claim on Porto that allows me to advance down the West coast of Galicia but it costs me money - the one resource im short of - piety is good, prestige is good (despite just spending 250) but money - not so good. It costs 75 to hire the Saxon company and they charge 7 a month for their nefarious services - i like to keep another 75 in the bank to pay their fees, and therefore look to have at least 150 in the bank before marching off to war - this takes me just to that limit but i cant refuse the claim as i want Porto.



The seige commences, to the West a surprisingly large Castillian army with some Aragonese allies attempts to retake Burgos - the royal seat of Castille, to the South rebels capture Castellon - the Dhunnunid inability to retake the town is encouraging. To the top right, notification that Fat Pedro has succumbed to the dungeons of Leon - revenge at last.



2 years after declaring war im still in Zaragoza, not the swift capture i was looking for but there has been no attack in earnest from any of the other Muslims - thankfully theres all sorts of civil war going on in the south of Spain. The war was only for Zaragoza, upon its capture i should have received a warscore of 100 as that would be all my enemies lands, but the sneaky Muslim went off and took the Urgell capital to the East, i march over there and take that too (it wont be part of the war prize) and still the score is only 83. He must have another patch of land somewhere but im damned if i can find it, the war continues..........................

[undercovergeek]

Alfonso becomes his own man..............  Thrifty Clerk? Holy crap, i so wanted 'Scourge of Hispania', 'Destroyer of Muslims' - thrifty clerk? Archivists and ledger keepers are sent to the Great Libraries to look for famous, awe inspiring thrify clerks of the past. The war for Zaragoza continues............ The eagle eyed readers will also note Navarra has gone, revenge will be delivered soon.

My most excellent(!!) Spymaster, Fernando the Count of Calatayud is killed in battle - when the war is done ill elect a new one



Depressed, humble, gluttonous, slothful, brave and thrifty - 920 years from now hes going to make a great wargamer. In the maelstrom of Medieval Spain even i want to punch him.

The war for Zaragoza continues........... I have a warscore now of 94% i cant imagine he has any land left with just 6% remaining - it maybe due to the fact that we havent actually crossed swords yet - theres a good 10-15% to be earned from unleashing the Saxon company on him so we start chasing him across the map



In the meantime i do what all fat, lazy, depressed geeks wish would happen - i hook him up with a Danish blonde princess - i will not be surprised on the night of the wedding to see him updated to 'premature ejaculator'.



The Dungeonmaster is sent forth with a poking stick and a little book - 'Dungeons for Dummies', he directs Ordono to the 'O' chapter, just to make sure he fully understands where hes being moved to.



One swift battle in Zaragoza and its all over - the land is mine and another Emir goes back home - time to hand out some titles and pick a James Bond style spymaster

[Martok]

Congratulations on your successful takeover of Zaragoza!  Talk about an epic siege. 




I note your biting commentary is getting funnier as the AAR progresses.  I think I laughed out loud more during the last two entries than the rest of them combined.  :D 

[undercovergeek]

im just so disappointed hes not a legendary King! I need to read up on tutoring and schooling so this doesnt happen to his kids - his stats are simply awful!

More Jimena twists to come and a careful look at the map to see where to go next