Divorce! Well this sucks.

[SirAndrewD]

My sister is divorcing her Husband of 25 years.  I am really missing him - we have a backdoor channel/burner phones so we can still talk!
Have to have plausible deniability while she is in her bitter all men are scum phase
Con

My exes family has utterly turned on me with the exception of her youngest brother, and he just is kind of sad and takes it with a shrug and "oh well".

I think that's what surprises me the most, and why I did the Ewok in my avatar that Jarhead correctly surmised is me being a bit angrier than I let on at first. 

The utterly absolute turnaround that she and her family did in such a small amount of time really threw me for a loop.  The divorce was fast and her family went after me like rabid dogs, and this is after me being in their family for 13 years and knowing them all very closely for 26 years. 

The thing that made this almost sour was my ex insisted on a move out date of March 1 with the decree only being filed Jan 15 and finalized Feb 14.   The wording she insisted on via her lawyer that her dad got her was that I could be evicted and removed if I was there past that date.

I tried to be reasonable and explain the market was bad, apartments in my city were hard to come by and it was a difficult prospect to make that date.  Only after a lot of pressure and my threat to contest did her lawyer amend it to April 1.

Well, of course I only got in just under the wire to get an apartment, and even then it was April 10.  When I told her this mid March, she shrugged and said that wasn't her problem, if I was here April 1 she'd have her Dad, a retired Deputy, make some calls and I'd be on the street.  She was very sorry but, that's how it "had" to be. 

Well, that sucked, got me super angry and I had to start making arrangements for a storage locker and couch surfing for 10 days, which would also be 10 days lost work.   She saw how it turned me and she was apparently "sympathetic" but she said her hands were tied. 

They weren't.  It was only after I consulted with an eviction lawyer and made moves to possibly buy the house she's in (long story on how I could buy a house her Mom owns, but I could've for very little.  Lets just say her Mom made some huge errors in her tax reporting) that she relented and said I could stay till my move in on the 11th.

So, yeah, that's where I got more than a little mad and where this will be something that's going to sour our relationship for a while.  Never in a million years would I do that to her.  It stung and it'll sting a while.  This whole thing could've been easy otherwise. 

Anyway, so that's me sharing.  I get it Toonces that it'll take time, buy hey, if you need to talk go for it, even in PM.

I can tell you, there's light at the end of the tunnel or I think there is.  This lady I met, right at the right time, she seems pretty special and I wouldn't have run across her otherwise.  We both ended up starting looking for someone right at the same time.

The pain is real but with loss comes the opportunity for new starts I guess.

[Jarhead0331]

^thats some pretty messed up stuff right there. I'm sorry.

My ex-wife's family also turned on me.

She told me she wanted a divorce a few days before Thanksgiving. We had plans to spend the holiday with her brother and his wife and her mom and dad and my family lived out of state, so I really had no place else to go. She really didn't want me to go, but I was like, screw that, I want Turkey and I don't want to be alone on Thanksgiving.

I went to the dinner and it was a mistake. It was super awkward. For some reason I thought she wouldn't have told anyone yet. It was pretty clear everyone knew. It got even more weird when her brother and his wife gave the big reveal that they were expecting their first baby. It was really hard to pretend to be happy while everything else was crashing down around me. In any event, her parents claimed they needed to give us something at their house so we went there at the end of the night before going back home and there they ambushed me. They pretty much cornered me and her mom and dad were like, ok the marriage is over what are you going to do about the house and how much money are you going to give her? I was like F-you. I just found out I'm getting divorced 2 days ago. I need to figure things out.

They put a lot of pressure on me throughout the process. It didn't help that I owed her dad a good deal of money for a loan. He was ruthless in trying to collect.

The only other thing that stands out was the engagement ring. I used my mother's three-karat stone that she had got from my father. It was like a $25,000 stone. My ex agreed to return it to my mom once the divorce was final. We even put that in a separation agreement. When the divorce was finalized, she gave me back the ring and as soon as my mom saw it, she knew it wasn't her stone. I got it appraised and the rock was worthless. My mom never did anything to deserve that and I was so hurt and angry that my ex would sink to that level.

There was really nothing I could do about it, but it gave me reassurance that the divorce was the best thing that could have possibly happened to me. In the end, I'm thrilled she, and her repugnant family, are out of my life.

Did you have any support or an advocate throughout the divorce? Going through it alone was the hardest part for me.

[GDS_Starfury]

the chick youre hanging with now is just a rebound.  know this and accept it.  its part of the healing process.
you wont be "over" it for a few years.

[al_infierno]

Holy sh!t, I thought I had bad relationship expreriences.  Glad I've never been married!

You just never know what people are really going to be like when the wind starts blowing the other way.

[SirAndrewD]

the chick youre hanging with now is just a rebound.  know this and accept it.  its part of the healing process.
you wont be "over" it for a few years.

I hope not.

The rebound was someone named Ashlee and...well...that was some fun I had before the ink dried when I was mad.

[GDS_Starfury]

enjoy it while it lasts because it wont.  Im not trying to be a bummer about it but Ive been there and done that with my divorce and the experiences of others Ive been close with.  its 100% unrealistic to think that you can go from one long term committed relationship to another and without skipping a beat.

[SirAndrewD]

enjoy it while it lasts because it wont.  Im not trying to be a bummer about it but Ive been there and done that with my divorce and the experiences of others Ive been close with.  its 100% unrealistic to think that you can go from one long term committed relationship to another and without skipping a beat.

I'll do my best to prove it wrong. 

I kind of did in the past, I mean, my ex would've been the rebound from my previous ex fiancee by that.  Long story.

My brain is weird.  The way I've dealt with relationships is weird.  And honestly, I've been ready for this longer than I wanted to admit.

If it fails it fails.  I'm going to hold to the hope it won't.  I'll stick with Jarhead's story and see if maybe it goes that way.

As Alexander said, fortune favors the bold.

[Sir Slash]

Yes, think it through before you jump back into a serious relationship. A second mistake will really screw with your self confidence right when you need it least. If she's really the person for you, she'll understand and wait for you. Not forever mind you, but a reasonable time.

For me one of the hardest parts of being divorced was people whom I thought of as close friends completely shut me off afterward, not even acting like they ever knew me to begin with. This was with a completely uncontested divorce and no hard feelings involved.  ???  I guess for some people the subject is just too uncomfortable to deal with. But those were the days I certainly could've used a sympathetic voice or two. It's times like these when you learn who you can really count on when you're in need. And not.

[SirAndrewD]

Yeah, I mean, I'm being careful.

I know there are stories where it worked.  Jarhead shared one.  My Dad, who was my step dad was another.

He was married for 12 years with a daughter in a bad bad relationship.  He got divorced and the first thing he did the next week was go on a bender in a bar in Dallas where he met my Mom who really was just looking to hook up and get laid. 

Man, I hate I know where that story went.

Still, the hookup was my Mom and they hit it off and kept going.  In a few months he wanted to be my Dad.  After that they got married and stayed so till she died. 


It can happen.  I am under no illusion this will work 100% but I'm going to hold on to hope.   

Hopelessness was...bad.

And the friendship thing is bad too.  We have a lot of mutual friends.  Most are siding with me, a few are ok with both of us, but a lot are 100% going to go with one or the other.  The balance is going my way and it's super upsetting her.  She's getting angry at me because some of our mutual friends are cutting her off. 

I didn't ask them to, I've told them not to, but it's happening anyway.  Can't control how others feel.

[Sir Slash]

That's true. Working-off your anger is a must, but in a positive way is best or at least a, 'constructive' way. What that is I'm not sure but something will come to you in time that'll make sense and lead you to at least make something good come out of all this bad shit. I figured it out eventually and if I can do it, it should be an easy lay-up for most people. You have friends you don't know yet who'll be there for you, strength within you, you don't realize yet. And when you come out of this, you'll be a stronger, better person. Hopefully, unlike myself, smarter too so you don't keep doing the same things again and again. It took me a few really good Ass-Kickings to get my head straight...finally. I hope.  ;D

[al_infierno]

The balance is going my way and it's super upsetting her.  She's getting angry at me because some of our mutual friends are cutting her off. 

I didn't ask them to, I've told them not to, but it's happening anyway.  Can't control how others feel.

She should have thought of this before threatening to throw you on the street and claiming it's merely how things "have" to be.

[Windigo]

the chick youre hanging with now is just a rebound.  know this and accept it.  its part of the healing process.
you wont be "over" it for a few years.

This is true... tis human nature, I hope your current gives you the space to work through the lessons.

[SirAndrewD]

enjoy it while it lasts because it wont.  Im not trying to be a bummer about it but Ive been there and done that with my divorce and the experiences of others Ive been close with.  its 100% unrealistic to think that you can go from one long term committed relationship to another and without skipping a beat.

Ok....you were right. 

[W8taminute]

Hang in there SirAndrewD.  Time heals all wounds as cliche as that sounds it's true.   ;)

[SirAndrewD]

Hang in there SirAndrewD.  Time heals all wounds as cliche as that sounds it's true.   ;)

Oh, I'm not worried about it. 

Despite the situation I'm in a better place than I was.