GROG THE CONQUEROR for PRESIDENT - A Political Machine 2016 AAR

[BanzaiCat]

What is GROG's position on bacon?

GROG THE CONQUEROR DESIRES GOVERNMENT SUBSIDY FOR FREE BACON NATIONWIDE.

THIS IS FOUR-BILLION-DOLLAR INDUSTRY. HOW WILL GROG PAY FOR THIS BOUNTY?

EASILY.

$800,000 FOR GENITAL WASHING PROGRAM IN SOUTH AFRICA. THAT'S $800,000 FOR FREE BACON RIGHT THERE. $440,000 FOR STUDY OF MALE PROSTITUTES IN VIETNAM. GROG CERTAIN GROG CAN CUT COSTS IN GOVERNMENT. AND CUT BUREAUCRATS IN HALF WITH SWORD, SAVING SALARY AND BENEFITS EXPENSES TO BOOT.

CUTTING THINGS IN HALF AMUSES GROG GREATLY.

[BanzaiCat]

Mirth here. Where is my TV remote?

GROG THE CONQUEROR DESIRES YOU CHECK BACKDOOR ORIFICE.

YOUR MONDAY NIGHT HIJINKS INVOLVING GARDEN GNOMES, GALLON OF VASELINE, FIFTH OF JACK DANIELS, AND CAST OF COMMUNITY THEATER DOING LOCAL PRODUCTION OF 'GLEE' UNFORTUNATELY SPILLED OUT OF SAFE ROOM AND INTO LIVING ROOM. THIS DIRECT RESULT OF MIRTH NOT HAVING SAFE WORD AND INSERTING OF EVERYDAY OBJECTS INTO PLACES THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO. UNLIKE SWORDS. ALSO NO PLASTIC SHEETS ON WALLS AND FLOOR IN LIVING ROOM.

PLASTIC SHEETS AMUSE GROG GREATLY. HELP WITH SWORD MESS.

[mirth]

Mirth here. Where is my TV remote?

GROG THE CONQUEROR DESIRES YOU CHECK BACKDOOR ORIFICE.

Lucky guess.

[BanzaiCat]

Are there questions you would consider not answering?

NO.

SAYING NO AMUSES GROG GREATLY.

imagine a smiley throwing up here, I guess.

NO.

IMAGINING DOES NOT AMUSE GROG AT ALL. GROG NOT WASTE TIME DAYDREAMING.

GROG DOER. DOING AMUSES GROG GREATLY.

where did the smilies get moved to?

GROG THE CONQUEROR THINKS THEY ARE BURIED IN JASONPRATT'S LAST 9,000-WORD POST DESCRIBING THE POLITICS OF HONEY PRODUCTION IN SOUTHWEST IOWA COUNTIES WHEN RESPONDING TO QUESTION ABOUT GALACTIC CIVILIZATIONS III.

GROG THINKS JASONPRATT MAKE GOOD PRESS SECRETARY. PUT MEDIA TO SLEEP. HYPNOTIZE THEM WITH BULLS%&T.

BULLS%&T AMUSES GROG GREATLY. YOU MAY LIVE.

[DoctorQuest]

What is GROG's position on bacon?

GROG THE CONQUEROR DESIRES GOVERNMENT SUBSIDY FOR FREE BACON NATIONWIDE.

THIS IS FOUR-BILLION-DOLLAR INDUSTRY. HOW WILL GROG PAY FOR THIS BOUNTY?

EASILY.

$800,000 FOR GENITAL WASHING PROGRAM IN SOUTH AFRICA. THAT'S $800,000 FOR FREE BACON RIGHT THERE. $440,000 FOR STUDY OF MALE PROSTITUTES IN VIETNAM. GROG CERTAIN GROG CAN CUT COSTS IN GOVERNMENT. AND CUT BUREAUCRATS IN HALF WITH SWORD, SAVING SALARY AND BENEFITS EXPENSES TO BOOT.

CUTTING THINGS IN HALF AMUSES GROG GREATLY.

Me want be Secretary of Bacon. Me promise complete transparency regarding pork barrels. Me want build big smoke pit behind Capitol Building.

[BanzaiCat]

Unfortunately, The Political Machine chose to eat my save game file. Either that, or his Campaign Manager is an idiot.

However, he has figured out how to save games now.  :-[

So I had to restart the game. Fortunately, TPM keeps characters you create, so GROG THE CONQUEROR exists exactly as he did the day I created him. :)

In any case, it was a simple matter of restarting the game and picking the exact same settings. Only thing is, the game randomizes support, though not greatly I don't think. This map may look a little different than its predecessor on the preceding page.

Now that I know what the hell I'm doing, let's continue this little jaunt.

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Week 2 of 26

The C*nt Liberal Idiot Nefarious Trickster Ogress Nincompoop, otherwise known as CLINTON (as labeled in the GROG THE CONQUEROR unsanctioned and unofficial web pages...allegedly) kicks things off with a visit to Michigan.



The hippie do-gooders there are all happy at her visit (see the smiley face?), giving her an Awareness boost in the state. GROG THE CONQUEROR's advisers tell him that the population of Michigan dropped mysteriously by approximately 100 infants the day of her and her entourage's arrival there.


Pictured: Hillary shedding her skin before the Dinner Neonatal Consumption (DNC) fest.*

*allegedly

Next, CLINTON heads for California, known for its democrats and dearth of democracy. She's right at home there, garnering even more support for the state that shall eventually slide into the Pacific Ocean.



Finally, she heads to a sludgy, slimy, pollution-filled land where it is assumed she will nest to lay her eggs for the next generation of Clintons, all to the music of Bon Jovi, whom is worshiped for his ability to "rock" and do a duck face.



Where is this paradise, you may ask?



It happens to be New Jersey. GROG THE CONQUEROR will ensure New Jersey becomes a giant prison state where all the guidos, douchebags, and political criminals will liv...

Oh, wait. Nevermind. GROG will keep things as they are. Carry on.

GROG THE CONQUEROR'S TO DO LIST

☐ MAKE MUCH SPEECHING IN TEXAS



Speechifyin' boosts Awareness in the state you're in. GROG is in a bastion of Republicanism and the state is neutral-colored, so a little push in the right direction should help matters greatly.



GROG can choose from several topics (including Gun Control and Gay Marriage), and can choose his stance on it too (Favor, Oppose) or go so far as to say that their opponent either opposes or favors such a thing.

Of course, it's best to pander to the crowd, especially if you're in a state that's hostile. There are 'safe' choices, however.



This one really isn't safe. If GROG chooses 'Gun Control' as his speech topic, his Democrat appeal will drop, but his appeal to Independent and Republican voters both will increase. Typical.

This choice is much safer. GROG wishes to raise his appeal across the board, and since Texas is colored neutral (but leaning Republican), it's best to garner as much support as he can.



Note that all three Party types support this choice.

Of course they do. It would be un-American to do otherwise.



GROG's advisers find that his speech on FIGHTING ISIS was a big success, causing Texas to slip officially into the Republican camp.

An excerpt from his speech can be found here:



GROG THE CONQUEROR DESIRES TO FIGHT ISIS.

THE VERY FUTURE OF AMERICA AND SHEEP VIRGINITY WORLDWIDE HINGES ON OUR SUCCESS IN UTTERLY OBLITERATING ISIS. WE SHALL BOMB THEM WITH MOABs, BURY THEM IN THE CRATERS, AND SALT THE EARTH WITH THEIR CRUSHED BONES. WE WILL USE THEIR LIVERS AS PÂTÉ IN OUR WHITE HOUSE STATE DINNERS AND COMMISSION THE WARRIOR GHOSTS OF GG ALLIN, LEMMY, AND DIMEBAG TO CREATE BEST, LOUDEST, MOST OBNOXIOUS METAL ALBUM EVER COMMEMORATING THE EVENT.

OBNOXIOUS METAL AMUSES GROG GREATLY.


☐ TRAVEL TO CALIFORNIA. TEACH CALIFORNIA ERROR OF ITS WAYS.



GROG THE CONQUEROR takes his tricked-out 747 (on loan from Iron Maiden) to California to plant the seeds of Republicanism in the land of fruits and nuts.


Pictured: GROG's Flying Fortress. So awesome, he doesn't even change the paint scheme. 'World Tour' may apply once GROG wins anyway...

GROG decides to build an OUTREACH CENTER here. This will gain slow but steady support from special interest groups.

Special interest groups may have their own special interests, and GROG may have to play ball with these fools, but ultimately GROG has his own 'special interests' in mind.*

*This may or may not include Soylent Green.



At the end of Week 2, we see widespread support for GROG, but the states don't hold a lot of weight individually. The real prizes are New York and California; he will almost certainly have to conqe...errr, win over the people in at least one of them to secure the White House.*

*Soon to be renamed the PALACE OF LIBERAL TEARS AND AWESOMENESS.

[JasonPratt]

Considering I taught swordfighting for over ten years, I am entirely willing to duel Airboy for the post of Secretary of Swords.

<-- see also: the razorsharp katana with the pommel that sheds my own blood when wielded, ensuring my precision and speed of operation.

Failing that, I will be glad to accept the post of press secretary, since my corpse will make an excellent object lesson and eloquently present the heart of GROG'S intentions in less than 9000 words. Whether I can hypnotize the press pool this way will depend no doubt on how effective GROG is with this Book of Souls he previously mentioned.

Being an archlich would have its drawbacks, but would be more useful as a press secretary than as, for example, the Secretary of Swords.

(Going off to nominate this thread for AAR of 2016, in case Airboy gets too lucky in the duel...)

[Sir Slash]

Will Grog the Conqueror be releasing his complete Income Tax returns and or his Health Record?

[mirth]

It turns out that GROG dated my sister in the mid-90s. Would he care to comment on that? Admittedly, she's stone-cold crazy so he may not want to antagonize her.

[Barthheart]

Our local paper just dug up papers that show Grog was born in "French Canada".... what's his position on that?!?  ???

[OJsDad]

What is GROG's position on bacon?

GROG THE CONQUEROR DESIRES GOVERNMENT SUBSIDY FOR FREE BACON NATIONWIDE.

THIS IS FOUR-BILLION-DOLLAR INDUSTRY. HOW WILL GROG PAY FOR THIS BOUNTY?

EASILY.

$800,000 FOR GENITAL WASHING PROGRAM IN SOUTH AFRICA. THAT'S $800,000 FOR FREE BACON RIGHT THERE. $440,000 FOR STUDY OF MALE PROSTITUTES IN VIETNAM. GROG CERTAIN GROG CAN CUT COSTS IN GOVERNMENT. AND CUT BUREAUCRATS IN HALF WITH SWORD, SAVING SALARY AND BENEFITS EXPENSES TO BOOT.

CUTTING THINGS IN HALF AMUSES GROG GREATLY.

Me want be Secretary of Bacon. Me promise complete transparency regarding pork barrels. Me want build big smoke pit behind Capitol Building.

Pfft!  I'll turn the Capitol Building into a giant smoke pit.  I'd use those that occupy that building as fuel, but I'm afraid they would ruin the meat.

[BanzaiCat]

Considering I taught swordfighting for over ten years, I am entirely willing to duel Airboy for the post of Secretary of Swords.

GROG WISHES TO ALLOW YOU TO DUEL FOR THIS POSITION, AND SELL THE RIGHTS ON PAY-PER-VIEW TO HELP FUND GROG'S PAC MAN EATING MACHINE OF POLITICAL PONTIFICATION.

PONTIFICATION AMUSES GROG GREATLY.

Failing that, I will be glad to accept the post of press secretary, since my corpse will make an excellent object lesson and eloquently present the heart of GROG'S intentions in less than 9000 words. Whether I can hypnotize the press pool this way will depend no doubt on how effective GROG is with this Book of Souls he previously mentioned.

GROG PREFERS YOU TO BE PRESS SECRETARY WHETHER YOU WIN OR NOT. JASONPRATT'S B&*LSHIT ABILITY CAN BE FEARED LIKE THE MONGOL HORDES, CAUSING MEDIA MORONS TO FLEE IN ABJECT TERROR, OR AT LEAST, IN A MILD, CLOUDY CONFUSION-HAZE.

IMAGINE POSSIBILITIES IF JASONPRATT DIES. AS DEAD MAN HE NEEDS NO REST AND CAN ENDLESSLY POST EVERYWHERE AND AT ALL TIMES. MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

GROG THINKS CLOUDS ARE PRETTY.

[BanzaiCat]

Will Grog the Conqueror be releasing his complete Income Tax returns and or his Health Record?

GROG WISHES TO ADDRESS THIS RIGHT NOW. GROG MAKE BEAUCOUP IN VARIOUS BUSINESS ENDEAVORS ACROSS GLOBE.

[mirth]

^That's the kind of transparency from a candidate that I really admire.

[Barthheart]

Still no birth certificate....?  ???