Marine Launches Attack On Japan After Watching ‘Pearl Harbor’ Movie

[Jarhead0331]

Marine Lance Corporal Tries To Attack Japan After Watching 'Pearl Harbor' Movie

Kaneohe Bay, HI – A Marine stationed aboard Marine Corps Base Hawaii recently went on a personal mission to attack Japan. Lance Corporal James Vanhue, of 1st Battalion, 3rd Marines, described as a "warrior drinker", went on a drunken bender that started on Friday night. His latest vendetta, against the tiny island nation, began in his barracks room. As he drank what he called "a ridiculous amount of beer" and watched the 2001 film "Pearl Harbor", he became enraged.

"I can't believe Danny died," as he took another swig of Budweiser and sobbed. "These damn Japs [sic] need to pay!"

His roommate, Lance Corporal Jason Evers, tried to calm him with a history lesson.

"Dude. It happened like, 60 something years ago. We already whooped their ass."

Unfortunately Vanhue would not listen. As the credits came across the screen, the Lance Corporal went to his wall locker.

"I've got to pack my gear," he said, as he shoved throwing stars, an entrenching tool, and extra socks in his ruck sack. After packing, he donned his helmet and flak jacket and headed to the armory. But amazingly, even in his drunken stupor, he didn't forget his eye-pro.

Now on his 12th beer in less than an hour, Vanhue was thought to be delirious. Since it was almost midnight, the armory was closed down and locked, but it didn't deter the drunken Marine.

"I've gotta get my M4 and then it's payback time, son."

Although Vanhue tried his best to break into the armory, the MP's showed up minutes later, and placed him under arrest.

"It's always something new on this job," said military policeman Sergeant Ian Wright, "whether it's a drunk naked grunt jumping into the creek, paintball wars in barracks rooms, or Marines trying to fight 60 year old wars."

Ironically, Lance Corporal Vanhue is currently being held at the Brig at Pearl Harbor Naval Base.

[mirth]

That's pretty damn funny! My first thought that it was from The Onion, but Google led me to the Duffel Blog -
http://www.duffelblog.com

Lots of good stuff there. Thanks, JH!

[Gusington]

"I can't believe Danny died." *sigh*

How about 'I can't believe how badly that movie sucked'?

He should have tried to take down the studio that produced it!

[mirth]

I can proudly say that I've never seen it.

[Silent Disapproval Robot]

Oh it's brilliant in its awfulness.  Move the Battle of Britain to summer/fall 1941 so a heroic American pilot can go over and singlehandledly defeat the Luftwaffe for the hapless but plucky Brits and then head back and teac those Japs what fer!

[mirth]

It's quite a career for Ben Affleck's character. Fight in the BoB. Be one of the guys who makes into the air during the Pearl Harbor attack. Then fly in the Doolittle Raid as a bomber pilot.

I'm sure he went on to win the Korean and Vietnam Wars for us too. Probably saved the French at Dien Bien Phu so that we never had to take over.

[Gusington]

I can't remember the last movie that Affleck was in that I enjoyed.

I am ashamed to say I paid money to see Pearl Harbor...in a theater.

[mirth]

I am ashamed to say I paid money to see Pearl Harbor...in a theater.

Oh Gus, I'm so sorry...

[Arctic Blast]

I can't remember the last movie that Affleck was in that I enjoyed.

For me personally, I'd probably say The Town. Ben's actually done quite a bit of good stuff.

Josh Hartnett on the other hand...

I am ashamed to say I paid money to see Pearl Harbor...in a theater.

You poor bastard! It was a fine movie for sitting around a big TV with friends and beer, mocking it relentlessly. I can't imagine how Hellish it was to be trapped in a theater for almost 3 hours subjected to Michael Bay's 'genius'.

[Staggerwing]

Yeah, you should have waited for Flyboys to be released and watched that instead...

[Martok]

I am ashamed to say I paid money to see Pearl Harbor...in a theater.

Oh Gus, I'm so sorry...

+1

I hope you at least got your whistle wet for your troubles! 

[Gusington]

I don't even remember to be honest. I do remember how horrible the dialogue was and how disappointed I was because I was looking forward to it for so long. I went home and watched Tora Tora Tora to cleanse myself.

[son_of_montfort]

Was that an Onion article?

Mirth already answered.

Hilarious!

[MIGMaster]

I don't even remember to be honest. I do remember how horrible the dialogue was and how disappointed I was because I was looking forward to it for so long. I went home and watched Tora Tora Tora to cleanse myself.

TORA TORA TORA and herbal tea are often recommended by 9 out of 10 historians  ;)

[Windigo]

I can't remember the last movie that Affleck was in that I enjoyed.

I am ashamed to say I paid money to see Pearl Harbor...in a theater.

That is heinous, even your dog wouldn't respect you after that....