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IRL (In Real Life) => General Discussion => Topic started by: SirAndrewD on April 07, 2022, 11:40:27 PM

Title: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on April 07, 2022, 11:40:27 PM
I know I'd mentioned in other threads I'm going through a divorce. 

It was, actually really big thing for me, and still is.  It's been not as ugly as some have gone through I suppose but it's had its downs.

Anyone that knows me knows how much my wife was part of my identity. 

I wasn't going to do a full topic on this but I got messaged by another esteemed Grog and friend going through the same if we could possibly start a thread about this. 

I won't call him out but I expect he'll be posting toot sweet.

Anyway, I'll share a bit more but yeah, I spent the week in Orlando.  My paperwork was final in Feb.  Moving out finally on Monday.  Don't judge me but I think I have a girlfriend now..
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: al_infierno on April 08, 2022, 01:08:23 AM
Quote from: SirAndrewD on April 07, 2022, 11:40:27 PM
Don't judge me but I think I have a girlfriend now..

Good for you man.  I don't see how anyone could possibly judge.  Moving on with your life is obviously the healthy thing to do.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on April 08, 2022, 01:29:40 AM
Quote from: al_infierno on April 08, 2022, 01:08:23 AM

Good for you man.  I don't see how anyone could possibly judge.  Moving on with your life is obviously the healthy thing to do.

Well, it's wild because I'm still in mourning, I mean, I lost my life.

But it's also exciting, because I met this woman randomly, while weirdly going out with one of my old professors that led nowhere, and it was wild chemistry and felt healthy. 

It's been a painful process and I am still trying to get through it.  My ex and I will always be friends, even though she made it harder than it needed to be.

I think we have a lot of support for each other on this subject, I know some of us have  been here before.  And as I say, I think a couple of other members who reached out to me might chime in here. 

We can get through this together, like Napoleon's old Guard got through Water....

Wait...

Ooops
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: al_infierno on April 08, 2022, 02:49:54 AM
Honestly that sounds like a best case scenario to me.  I haven't been married but regular old breakups are rough enough without someone to fall back on or remaining on good terms with the ex.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: jamus34 on April 08, 2022, 05:39:21 AM
No judgement but just try to be clear with the new flavor what you went through and know that you are not in a good (head)space right now.

Thankfully I've never had to go through the personal hell that is a divorce but I've seen many people who have. In the very best case it's a business transaction, cold and formal. Most of the time it is ugly.

Good luck man!
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Jarhead0331 on April 08, 2022, 06:50:11 AM
I went through a divorce circa 2011.

Mine wasn't nearly as bad as others. My ex and I had only been married for 4 years at the time, but overall it had been a 10 year relationship. A relationship that I knew was wrong from the start. She was more like my best friend and I got pressured by her and her family to commit to marriage. We didn't have kids and didn't have much assets to fight over.

I mourned for two weeks, then got back online, started dating, having a blast, and met my present wife who is one in a million. We now have two kids and a wonderful life overall.

Sometimes, you need to take a step back in order to take a couple of leaps forward. I believe everything happens for a reason and you will be better off for going through this. When you broke the news, you sounded disappointed and uncertain about the future, but positive overall and confident that you and your wife would remain close. When I saw the Ewok in the avatar, I suspected all might not be settled in your soul. Give it time brother. You're through the worst part. Making this thread was a good idea.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Gusington on April 08, 2022, 09:18:51 AM
Who could ever judge another person's divorce? It's no one's business but your own.

I have been with my wife for 25 years (!!!!) and we have a pretty healthy relationship.

That said, I learned everything a person should NOT do from my own parents, who divorced when I was in college. It f'd up my younger sister pretty badly, but I seemed to have escaped pretty unscathed. My parents should never have been married in the first place. But that's a whole other ball of wax.

Do you have kids Andrew?
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: ArizonaTank on April 08, 2022, 10:01:54 AM
I divorced more than 20 years ago. Under the circumstances, it would have been very easy to spin off into tit-for-tat confrontation. But I decided that for me, moving on and making a clean break was more important than scoring points. 

I found that frequent, very long walks, and doing whatever I could to reduce confrontation and stress really helped. We used a lawyer as a mediator for example. 

I was able to move on pretty quickly. I dated for a while, and the fact that I had moved on really helped. I found that prospective partners (including myself) just really don't want to get seriously involved with people who have too much baggage (emotional or otherwise) from their previous marriage. For example, the poor lady whose ex was a control-freak, and who kept showing up to pick up "something he forgot" from his gun collection, just didn't sit well with me.

Eventually I found a really great woman, who was also divorced, but who had made a good, clean break. I married her 18 years ago and have been very happy ever since.

It did suck for a while...but in the end, I am much happier and in a better place.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Sir Slash on April 08, 2022, 10:33:33 AM
One divorce and multiple co-habitation break-ups. Some got personal, some didn't. It's always better to leave the personal, bitter, get-back-at acts off as it'll just poison your look on life and carry-over into relationships down the line. Plus, nothing screws with their heads like ignoring their provocations.  :2funny:  The life ahead can be every bit as happy and fun as was the one with an Ex in the beginning and this isn't just words. I would do all of them over again, with all the pain and trouble, to get where I am today in a heartbeat. You just have to get to that happy place and that starts with getting at peace with yourself, accepting the present chapter of this part of your life is over, but the next, even greater, happier chapter has begun.  :D  Dealing with the pain is the hard part, don't deny you have it, embrace it and that's the first part to getting-over it. And, don't do it alone. Talk to people about it, friends, family, a Priest or Pastor if you have one. DON'T try booze or drugs to deal with the pain, that leads to more pain later. Afterward, payback the help that gets you through by helping others just beginning to go through it themselves. Divorce IS survivable and can even be an improvement for both of you in time. My 2 cents.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on April 08, 2022, 10:39:12 AM
No kids thankfully. 

The only custody fight was for the cats, and we walked away on that one with me taking one to her 2, which is logical since I'm going to a new place. 

Yeah, I'm taking it slow with this new lady.  I kinda don't want to, ha, but she seems to be on first few impressions quite the catch. 

One of the hardest things for me has been my grudging acceptance that the marriage really had to end.  I think we'd both been deluding ourselves for a long time about our feelings and the simple fact that I'm not pining for the woman I was married to for 15 years and am already taking interest in another with the ink only a month dry is telling. 

I have a feeling that in a year this will look like an easy one compared to others.  She did TRY to make it hard at points mainly due to family pressure (her parents and therapist wanted her to take me to the cleaners even though it was a no-fault and we live in an ED state) but ended up seeing reason at the end.  There was an incident of infidelity in her past and to be honest neither one of  us wanted that in the record.

I'm moving in the stages of grief to acceptance, and now starting to get into the hopeful phase.  I'm excited to get my own place and start using that VR helmet Jarhead convinced me to buy for its true best purpose, dirty movies.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Gusington on April 08, 2022, 10:46:43 AM
^Ha that last line there is the most telling. BTW divorce is not a requirement for the dirty movies in VR...as far as I know.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on April 08, 2022, 10:53:26 AM
Quote from: Gusington on April 08, 2022, 10:46:43 AM
^Ha that last line there is the most telling. BTW divorce is not a requirement for the dirty movies in VR...as far as I know.

Well, my VR setup is in a public space in our house. 

Now I'll have the space all to myself.  8)
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Gusington on April 08, 2022, 11:04:28 AM
'SirAndrewD' unleashed
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Toonces on April 08, 2022, 02:31:30 PM
I'm not ready to share at the moment, but I will at some point.  This thread has already been extremely helpful.

Thanks for doing this, SirAndrewD.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Con on April 08, 2022, 02:32:22 PM
My sister is divorcing her Husband of 25 years.  I am really missing him - we have a backdoor channel/burner phones so we can still talk!
Have to have plausible deniability while she is in her bitter all men are scum phase
Con
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on April 08, 2022, 05:19:20 PM
Quote from: Con on April 08, 2022, 02:32:22 PM
My sister is divorcing her Husband of 25 years.  I am really missing him - we have a backdoor channel/burner phones so we can still talk!
Have to have plausible deniability while she is in her bitter all men are scum phase
Con

My exes family has utterly turned on me with the exception of her youngest brother, and he just is kind of sad and takes it with a shrug and "oh well".

I think that's what surprises me the most, and why I did the Ewok in my avatar that Jarhead correctly surmised is me being a bit angrier than I let on at first. 

The utterly absolute turnaround that she and her family did in such a small amount of time really threw me for a loop.  The divorce was fast and her family went after me like rabid dogs, and this is after me being in their family for 13 years and knowing them all very closely for 26 years. 

The thing that made this almost sour was my ex insisted on a move out date of March 1 with the decree only being filed Jan 15 and finalized Feb 14.   The wording she insisted on via her lawyer that her dad got her was that I could be evicted and removed if I was there past that date.

I tried to be reasonable and explain the market was bad, apartments in my city were hard to come by and it was a difficult prospect to make that date.  Only after a lot of pressure and my threat to contest did her lawyer amend it to April 1.

Well, of course I only got in just under the wire to get an apartment, and even then it was April 10.  When I told her this mid March, she shrugged and said that wasn't her problem, if I was here April 1 she'd have her Dad, a retired Deputy, make some calls and I'd be on the street.  She was very sorry but, that's how it "had" to be. 

Well, that sucked, got me super angry and I had to start making arrangements for a storage locker and couch surfing for 10 days, which would also be 10 days lost work.   She saw how it turned me and she was apparently "sympathetic" but she said her hands were tied. 

They weren't.  It was only after I consulted with an eviction lawyer and made moves to possibly buy the house she's in (long story on how I could buy a house her Mom owns, but I could've for very little.  Lets just say her Mom made some huge errors in her tax reporting) that she relented and said I could stay till my move in on the 11th.

So, yeah, that's where I got more than a little mad and where this will be something that's going to sour our relationship for a while.  Never in a million years would I do that to her.  It stung and it'll sting a while.  This whole thing could've been easy otherwise. 

Anyway, so that's me sharing.  I get it Toonces that it'll take time, buy hey, if you need to talk go for it, even in PM.

I can tell you, there's light at the end of the tunnel or I think there is.  This lady I met, right at the right time, she seems pretty special and I wouldn't have run across her otherwise.  We both ended up starting looking for someone right at the same time.

The pain is real but with loss comes the opportunity for new starts I guess.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Jarhead0331 on April 08, 2022, 05:55:50 PM
^thats some pretty messed up stuff right there. I'm sorry.

My ex-wife's family also turned on me.

She told me she wanted a divorce a few days before Thanksgiving. We had plans to spend the holiday with her brother and his wife and her mom and dad and my family lived out of state, so I really had no place else to go. She really didn't want me to go, but I was like, screw that, I want Turkey and I don't want to be alone on Thanksgiving.

I went to the dinner and it was a mistake. It was super awkward. For some reason I thought she wouldn't have told anyone yet. It was pretty clear everyone knew. It got even more weird when her brother and his wife gave the big reveal that they were expecting their first baby. It was really hard to pretend to be happy while everything else was crashing down around me. In any event, her parents claimed they needed to give us something at their house so we went there at the end of the night before going back home and there they ambushed me. They pretty much cornered me and her mom and dad were like, ok the marriage is over what are you going to do about the house and how much money are you going to give her? I was like F-you. I just found out I'm getting divorced 2 days ago. I need to figure things out.

They put a lot of pressure on me throughout the process. It didn't help that I owed her dad a good deal of money for a loan. He was ruthless in trying to collect.

The only other thing that stands out was the engagement ring. I used my mother's three-karat stone that she had got from my father. It was like a $25,000 stone. My ex agreed to return it to my mom once the divorce was final. We even put that in a separation agreement. When the divorce was finalized, she gave me back the ring and as soon as my mom saw it, she knew it wasn't her stone. I got it appraised and the rock was worthless. My mom never did anything to deserve that and I was so hurt and angry that my ex would sink to that level.

There was really nothing I could do about it, but it gave me reassurance that the divorce was the best thing that could have possibly happened to me. In the end, I'm thrilled she, and her repugnant family, are out of my life.

Did you have any support or an advocate throughout the divorce? Going through it alone was the hardest part for me.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: GDS_Starfury on April 08, 2022, 07:56:01 PM
the chick youre hanging with now is just a rebound.  know this and accept it.  its part of the healing process.
you wont be "over" it for a few years.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: al_infierno on April 08, 2022, 08:18:27 PM
Holy sh!t, I thought I had bad relationship expreriences.  Glad I've never been married!

You just never know what people are really going to be like when the wind starts blowing the other way.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on April 08, 2022, 08:45:18 PM
Quote from: GDS_Starfury on April 08, 2022, 07:56:01 PM
the chick youre hanging with now is just a rebound.  know this and accept it.  its part of the healing process.
you wont be "over" it for a few years.

I hope not.

The rebound was someone named Ashlee and...well...that was some fun I had before the ink dried when I was mad.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: GDS_Starfury on April 08, 2022, 09:34:19 PM
enjoy it while it lasts because it wont.  Im not trying to be a bummer about it but Ive been there and done that with my divorce and the experiences of others Ive been close with.  its 100% unrealistic to think that you can go from one long term committed relationship to another and without skipping a beat.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on April 08, 2022, 09:56:08 PM
Quote from: GDS_Starfury on April 08, 2022, 09:34:19 PM
enjoy it while it lasts because it wont.  Im not trying to be a bummer about it but Ive been there and done that with my divorce and the experiences of others Ive been close with.  its 100% unrealistic to think that you can go from one long term committed relationship to another and without skipping a beat.

I'll do my best to prove it wrong. 

I kind of did in the past, I mean, my ex would've been the rebound from my previous ex fiancee by that.  Long story.

My brain is weird.  The way I've dealt with relationships is weird.  And honestly, I've been ready for this longer than I wanted to admit.

If it fails it fails.  I'm going to hold to the hope it won't.  I'll stick with Jarhead's story and see if maybe it goes that way.

As Alexander said, fortune favors the bold.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Sir Slash on April 08, 2022, 10:02:54 PM
Yes, think it through before you jump back into a serious relationship. A second mistake will really screw with your self confidence right when you need it least. If she's really the person for you, she'll understand and wait for you. Not forever mind you, but a reasonable time.

For me one of the hardest parts of being divorced was people whom I thought of as close friends completely shut me off afterward, not even acting like they ever knew me to begin with. This was with a completely uncontested divorce and no hard feelings involved.  ???  I guess for some people the subject is just too uncomfortable to deal with. But those were the days I certainly could've used a sympathetic voice or two. It's times like these when you learn who you can really count on when you're in need. And not.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on April 08, 2022, 10:28:29 PM
Yeah, I mean, I'm being careful.

I know there are stories where it worked.  Jarhead shared one.  My Dad, who was my step dad was another.

He was married for 12 years with a daughter in a bad bad relationship.  He got divorced and the first thing he did the next week was go on a bender in a bar in Dallas where he met my Mom who really was just looking to hook up and get laid. 

Man, I hate I know where that story went.

Still, the hookup was my Mom and they hit it off and kept going.  In a few months he wanted to be my Dad.  After that they got married and stayed so till she died. 


It can happen.  I am under no illusion this will work 100% but I'm going to hold on to hope.   

Hopelessness was...bad.

And the friendship thing is bad too.  We have a lot of mutual friends.  Most are siding with me, a few are ok with both of us, but a lot are 100% going to go with one or the other.  The balance is going my way and it's super upsetting her.  She's getting angry at me because some of our mutual friends are cutting her off. 

I didn't ask them to, I've told them not to, but it's happening anyway.  Can't control how others feel.

Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Sir Slash on April 09, 2022, 09:41:59 AM
That's true. Working-off your anger is a must, but in a positive way is best or at least a, 'constructive' way. What that is I'm not sure but something will come to you in time that'll make sense and lead you to at least make something good come out of all this bad shit. I figured it out eventually and if I can do it, it should be an easy lay-up for most people. You have friends you don't know yet who'll be there for you, strength within you, you don't realize yet. And when you come out of this, you'll be a stronger, better person. Hopefully, unlike myself, smarter too so you don't keep doing the same things again and again. It took me a few really good Ass-Kickings to get my head straight...finally. I hope.  ;D
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: al_infierno on April 09, 2022, 01:16:01 PM
Quote from: SirAndrewD on April 08, 2022, 10:28:29 PM
The balance is going my way and it's super upsetting her.  She's getting angry at me because some of our mutual friends are cutting her off. 

I didn't ask them to, I've told them not to, but it's happening anyway.  Can't control how others feel.

She should have thought of this before threatening to throw you on the street and claiming it's merely how things "have" to be.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Windigo on April 13, 2022, 02:59:45 PM
Quote from: GDS_Starfury on April 08, 2022, 07:56:01 PM
the chick youre hanging with now is just a rebound.  know this and accept it.  its part of the healing process.
you wont be "over" it for a few years.

This is true... tis human nature, I hope your current gives you the space to work through the lessons.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on June 05, 2022, 05:36:41 PM
Quote from: GDS_Starfury on April 08, 2022, 09:34:19 PM
enjoy it while it lasts because it wont.  Im not trying to be a bummer about it but Ive been there and done that with my divorce and the experiences of others Ive been close with.  its 100% unrealistic to think that you can go from one long term committed relationship to another and without skipping a beat.

Ok....you were right. 
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: W8taminute on June 05, 2022, 07:04:44 PM
Hang in there SirAndrewD.  Time heals all wounds as cliche as that sounds it's true.   ;)
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on June 05, 2022, 07:06:19 PM
Quote from: W8taminute on June 05, 2022, 07:04:44 PM
Hang in there SirAndrewD.  Time heals all wounds as cliche as that sounds it's true.   ;)

Oh, I'm not worried about it. 

Despite the situation I'm in a better place than I was.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Gusington on June 05, 2022, 08:19:33 PM
Without prying...something worse happened?
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on June 05, 2022, 09:08:32 PM
Quote from: Gusington on June 05, 2022, 08:19:33 PM
Without prying...something worse happened?

The rebound was just that, a rebound. 

We mutually parted ways, but it was a nice month. 

It sucks but...it is what it is.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Gusington on June 05, 2022, 09:17:14 PM
Better to have the nice month than to not, eh?
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on June 05, 2022, 10:35:25 PM
Quote from: Gusington on June 05, 2022, 09:17:14 PM
Better to have the nice month than to not, eh?

I think so.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: GDS_Starfury on June 05, 2022, 11:10:42 PM
sleeping with Gus got me over a lot of issues.   <:-)
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on June 05, 2022, 11:12:03 PM
Quote from: GDS_Starfury on June 05, 2022, 11:10:42 PM
sleeping with Gus got me over a lot of issues.   <:-)

Guess I should try that next.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: JasonPratt on June 06, 2022, 07:39:31 AM
I feel like there's a Gus Team Seal joke in there somewhere...  >:D
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Gusington on June 06, 2022, 08:08:44 AM
There is, in the VIP section.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Toonces on October 12, 2023, 05:35:20 PM
Well, I guess it's about time for me to share my story since I asked SirAndrewD to start this thread in the first place.

My ex and I started talking about divorce about a year in advance of actually doing it.  I went to individual therapy for about two years prior, and we had started doing couples counseling (twice).  Ultimately, I think we waited too long to start the couple's counseling.  I also think, after therapy, that the marriage was likely beyond salvage regardless.  What I finally had to come to grips with is that we both had different ideas of our future lives.  I do think that, if she had been willing to really try, we could have found some compromise.  But in the end she didn't want to meet me in the middle, and besides, it would have been a compromise and not what either of us really wanted.

What compounded everything is that I retired from the military after 25 years' service in June 2021.  I thought I'd finally accomplished everything I wanted: I had the house by the beach in San Diego, was financially secure, had the wife, two children, the dog and cat.  Life should have been a lay-up from there on out.  But really, it's where my ex and my differences finally exploded to the surface.  January 2022 we were no longer sleeping in the same room.  At the end of March we sat down at the dinner table and talked for about an hour and decided to commit to a divorce.  April 1st we were in the mediator's office.  Two hours later we had hammered out our divorce settlement. 

I realized pretty quickly that staying in San Diego wasn't going to work.  Unlike Sir Andrew, I moved out immediately after the mediation to a hotel.  But my mind was destroying itself; it felt like the end of the world.  So on April 7th I took what little I had taken from the house (clothes, surfboard, wetsuits, a few books...), packed up the car, and headed east.  Got to NJ and moved into my mom's house for about 2 months until I found an apartment.

I literally left everything in San Diego.  She kept the house and everything in it.  The kids stayed there.  I had very little shipped out; mostly my surfboards and scuba gear, the remainder of my library- most of which I gave away before I left, some clothes, a few personal items.  Like, 25 years of work and in less than a week it was all gone.  I was, quite literally, starting over from scratch.  At 51 years old.  An entire lifetime gone just that quick.

So...it's a year and a half later now.  I can tell you that I'm still struggling to get my life on track, to figure out just WTF I'm going to do with my life now.  I have a dumpy little apartment at the Jersey shore, across the street from the ocean.  I surf whenever there are waves.  I have an excellent part time job that I love and pays the bills provided I live small.  And I have a girlfriend I love.  We've done more together in the last year than I did in the last decade with my ex.  In many ways I've come out ahead.

But...I'm also really, really struggling with seeing just how the future is going to unfold.  It's like everything that was my identity - military, husband, father - it's just gone and I'm not sure who I am anymore.  I miss my kids.  I miss the stability of owning my own home and feeling like all the major decisions of my life are made.  I'm hanging in there, and my life most certainly doesn't suck, but some days are very, very hard.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on October 12, 2023, 07:09:15 PM
Last part of that is pretty much how I feel as well Toonces.

Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: al_infierno on October 12, 2023, 07:54:14 PM
Quote from: Toonces on October 12, 2023, 05:35:20 PMWell, I guess it's about time for me to share my story since I asked SirAndrewD to start this thread in the first place.

My ex and I started talking about divorce about a year in advance of actually doing it.  I went to individual therapy for about two years prior, and we had started doing couples counseling (twice).  Ultimately, I think we waited too long to start the couple's counseling.  I also think, after therapy, that the marriage was likely beyond salvage regardless.  What I finally had to come to grips with is that we both had different ideas of our future lives.  I do think that, if she had been willing to really try, we could have found some compromise.  But in the end she didn't want to meet me in the middle, and besides, it would have been a compromise and not what either of us really wanted.

What compounded everything is that I retired from the military after 25 years' service in June 2021.  I thought I'd finally accomplished everything I wanted: I had the house by the beach in San Diego, was financially secure, had the wife, two children, the dog and cat.  Life should have been a lay-up from there on out.  But really, it's where my ex and my differences finally exploded to the surface.  January 2022 we were no longer sleeping in the same room.  At the end of March we sat down at the dinner table and talked for about an hour and decided to commit to a divorce.  April 1st we were in the mediator's office.  Two hours later we had hammered out our divorce settlement. 

I realized pretty quickly that staying in San Diego wasn't going to work.  Unlike Sir Andrew, I moved out immediately after the mediation to a hotel.  But my mind was destroying itself; it felt like the end of the world.  So on April 7th I took what little I had taken from the house (clothes, surfboard, wetsuits, a few books...), packed up the car, and headed east.  Got to NJ and moved into my mom's house for about 2 months until I found an apartment.

I literally left everything in San Diego.  She kept the house and everything in it.  The kids stayed there.  I had very little shipped out; mostly my surfboards and scuba gear, the remainder of my library- most of which I gave away before I left, some clothes, a few personal items.  Like, 25 years of work and in less than a week it was all gone.  I was, quite literally, starting over from scratch.  At 51 years old.  An entire lifetime gone just that quick.

So...it's a year and a half later now.  I can tell you that I'm still struggling to get my life on track, to figure out just WTF I'm going to do with my life now.  I have a dumpy little apartment at the Jersey shore, across the street from the ocean.  I surf whenever there are waves.  I have an excellent part time job that I love and pays the bills provided I live small.  And I have a girlfriend I love.  We've done more together in the last year than I did in the last decade with my ex.  In many ways I've come out ahead.

But...I'm also really, really struggling with seeing just how the future is going to unfold.  It's like everything that was my identity - military, husband, father - it's just gone and I'm not sure who I am anymore.  I miss my kids.  I miss the stability of owning my own home and feeling like all the major decisions of my life are made.  I'm hanging in there, and my life most certainly doesn't suck, but some days are very, very hard.

Sorry to hear about it Toonce.  Glad to hear you're dating though, that definitely helps reduce the suckiness of things.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: GDS_Starfury on October 12, 2023, 08:58:31 PM
you'll both figure it out.  I pretty much spent the 3 years after my divorce acting like I was in my late 20s but with money.  no the wisest choice but things slowly settled down into an adult rhythm.  I remember reading something during that time that it can take a third to half the time you were in that relationship to truly get over it.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Sir Slash on October 12, 2023, 09:40:21 PM
I will echo what Star said. There's no reason the happiest years of your life can't be ahead of you. You just have to find your way there. Anger, resentment, depression, and blaming yourself are common place after a divorce, almost all of us have been there, or will be probably at some point. It's normal but not helpful to your recovery. This is only your fault if you were the one in the relationship that never tried to make it a success. And from your post I can't believe that's the case.

I've been in a number of failed relationships over the years, so many that I came to believe that was the inevitable outcome of any relationship. I just expected it, and so it came to be true. But I'm happier now than I ever was before and have been for the past 26 years now.

Don't let anger rule your heart, don't let one break-up make you afraid to try again, and wait for it to happen. And when the time is right, it will. When that door opens-up, don't be too afraid to get hurt again that you don't walk through it. After you get through this struggle, you'll realize that you are stronger than you know and nothing Life throws in your way can conquer you. And know good people here are pulling for you. Hang in there Brother!
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: GDS_Starfury on October 12, 2023, 11:35:51 PM
besides the heartbreak and stability distress of my divorce, the thing that pissed me off the most was having to quit an awesome Combat Mission pbem campaign that I was involved with.  6 people with 3 per side and I had the SS Panther kampfgruppe and overall command of the fight.  we were a 1/4 way though and crushing it.  that team ended up with a stalemate.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Toonces on October 13, 2023, 08:47:23 AM
^ Now that's a man with his priorities in order!
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Tripoli on October 13, 2023, 08:55:29 AM
Quote from: Toonces on October 12, 2023, 05:35:20 PMWell, I guess it's about time for me to share my story since I asked SirAndrewD to start this thread in the first place.
...
But...I'm also really, really struggling with seeing just how the future is going to unfold.  It's like everything that was my identity - military, husband, father - it's just gone and I'm not sure who I am anymore.  I miss my kids.  I miss the stability of owning my own home and feeling like all the major decisions of my life are made.  I'm hanging in there, and my life most certainly doesn't suck, but some days are very, very hard.

Toonces-I'm sorry you are going through this.  I have no words of wisdom to say, other than 1) we are here for you, whether it be to laugh, have fun or simply listen  2) If there is anything we can do, let us know and 3) As an old guy who has had to "re-invent" (or re-discover) his identity a couple of times, it is both possible and can be an adventure. 
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: SirAndrewD on October 13, 2023, 10:21:24 AM
I will say that over the course of the last year my ex-wife has made it easier for me to move on.

After she briefly tried to play the cordial game and expressed to me that this was a great life experience we would both benefit from, she then tried to lean on my shoulder and get support from me when she had some troubles at work. 

As soon as those troubles subsided she all but cut me off.  I began to realize that she was in fact just using me in workplace politics for her own ends.  After that, I finally just quietly without fanfare cut all ties with her in every way.  We had no children so it wasn't too difficult. 

That has not pleased her.   After a bit I got letters of intent to sue from her lawyer over what she said were unpaid portions of our taxes from our last year of marriage.  This of course was outside the scope of our divorce agreement that had at that point been legally resolved. 

So I contacted my own lawyer and submitted to an audit, and discovered she'd been siphoning money from my accounts for a couple of years.  All told she stole in the area of about $14k from me in a one year period. 


After some letters back and forth with lawyers she has stopped threatening to sue but she hasn't agreed to our request she agree to drop the matter.  It's sat now for about 6 months. 

She instead turned to my friends and connections.  I gradually have people drop off now without explanation.  Many just say they heard "what happened" from my ex and that they no longer wanted anything to do with me.  I have no idea what she said.  She did this a bit right at the divorce but now she's working it on round two. 

She also made an effort to get me fired from my work but my boss had none of it.   That's an even longer story I won't go into. 

So, yeah, I've been trying to put it behind me but it keeps coming back.  I'm amused looking back at the start of this when she was actively hoping we could retain and build a friendship which I was increasingly skeptical of as her efforts did not match words. 

But, it's not all bad.  I've been with my current girlfriend for close to a year and we both have no desire to ever do the whole marriage thing again.  She's long distance and we really only spend about a weekend or two a month together, it's casual but it works. 

And her attempts to undermine some of my friends backfired on her hard as well.  They saw the crap she was trying to pull very quickly and cut her off, so she's lost some ground in the war. 

Ah well.  Anyway, thought I'd share where it went since the last time.  I hope you find some peace and direction on the whole thing Toonces.  As soon as you do let me know so I can do the same maybe. 
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: Sir Slash on October 13, 2023, 10:42:08 AM
I can relate. After I got divorced many of the people I considered close friends disappeared from my life without explanation. And my divorce was very cordial. Some people just fear the subject coming-up in conversation or being between battling Ex's and just turn away from the uncomfortable. But then there are some who do support you and put friendship above their own personal dislikes. These are your true friends and now is the time you'll find out who they are.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: GDS_Starfury on October 13, 2023, 12:44:22 PM
I don't feel like going into the details beyond these.
we had no joint bank accounts with only the house in both our names
we had no kids
it was 100% her fault
I had the golden path during and after the divorce and lost none of the friends I already had
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: W8taminute on October 13, 2023, 01:53:56 PM
I can't even imagine the pain of a divorce but I can definitely understand thinking everything is over and what's the point anymore? 

Don't let those feelings get the better of you, ever.  Without getting all, how should I say this, well you know how I am and what I believe, I want to tell you that we all have the power within us to overcome.  Channel that energy and use it help you get out of those dark places. 

I just had a falling out with a friend that ended quickly and with no apparent explanation and all over something that doesn't even matter.  I felt a horrible feeling in my head I couldn't get out and the images of the short but violent shouting match that took place wouldn't leave my head. 

The thing that helped me to get over it, well mostly over it, was to actually embrace those dark feelings and get a firm grip on them.  I let the argument play over and over in my head until I finally realized it wasn't my fault, it wasn't even my friends fault, but a little bit of both.  I took command of those flashbacks by watching them over and over again like a football coach observe replay's of this team. 

Once I did that I got much better.  I know divorce is something else entirely and my situation doesn't even come close to comparing.  My point is I felt genuine pain that was sudden, sharp, and overbearing.  But I dealt with it. 

There is other stuff I did too but I won't get into that.
Title: Re: Divorce! Well this sucks.
Post by: GDS_Starfury on October 13, 2023, 02:26:03 PM
and lots of beer