Divorce! Well this sucks.

[Tripoli]

Well, I guess it's about time for me to share my story since I asked SirAndrewD to start this thread in the first place.
...
But...I'm also really, really struggling with seeing just how the future is going to unfold.  It's like everything that was my identity - military, husband, father - it's just gone and I'm not sure who I am anymore.  I miss my kids.  I miss the stability of owning my own home and feeling like all the major decisions of my life are made.  I'm hanging in there, and my life most certainly doesn't suck, but some days are very, very hard.

Toonces-I'm sorry you are going through this.  I have no words of wisdom to say, other than 1) we are here for you, whether it be to laugh, have fun or simply listen  2) If there is anything we can do, let us know and 3) As an old guy who has had to "re-invent" (or re-discover) his identity a couple of times, it is both possible and can be an adventure. 

[SirAndrewD]

I will say that over the course of the last year my ex-wife has made it easier for me to move on.

After she briefly tried to play the cordial game and expressed to me that this was a great life experience we would both benefit from, she then tried to lean on my shoulder and get support from me when she had some troubles at work. 

As soon as those troubles subsided she all but cut me off.  I began to realize that she was in fact just using me in workplace politics for her own ends.  After that, I finally just quietly without fanfare cut all ties with her in every way.  We had no children so it wasn't too difficult. 

That has not pleased her.   After a bit I got letters of intent to sue from her lawyer over what she said were unpaid portions of our taxes from our last year of marriage.  This of course was outside the scope of our divorce agreement that had at that point been legally resolved. 

So I contacted my own lawyer and submitted to an audit, and discovered she'd been siphoning money from my accounts for a couple of years.  All told she stole in the area of about $14k from me in a one year period. 


After some letters back and forth with lawyers she has stopped threatening to sue but she hasn't agreed to our request she agree to drop the matter.  It's sat now for about 6 months. 

She instead turned to my friends and connections.  I gradually have people drop off now without explanation.  Many just say they heard "what happened" from my ex and that they no longer wanted anything to do with me.  I have no idea what she said.  She did this a bit right at the divorce but now she's working it on round two. 

She also made an effort to get me fired from my work but my boss had none of it.   That's an even longer story I won't go into. 

So, yeah, I've been trying to put it behind me but it keeps coming back.  I'm amused looking back at the start of this when she was actively hoping we could retain and build a friendship which I was increasingly skeptical of as her efforts did not match words. 

But, it's not all bad.  I've been with my current girlfriend for close to a year and we both have no desire to ever do the whole marriage thing again.  She's long distance and we really only spend about a weekend or two a month together, it's casual but it works. 

And her attempts to undermine some of my friends backfired on her hard as well.  They saw the crap she was trying to pull very quickly and cut her off, so she's lost some ground in the war. 

Ah well.  Anyway, thought I'd share where it went since the last time.  I hope you find some peace and direction on the whole thing Toonces.  As soon as you do let me know so I can do the same maybe. 

[Sir Slash]

I can relate. After I got divorced many of the people I considered close friends disappeared from my life without explanation. And my divorce was very cordial. Some people just fear the subject coming-up in conversation or being between battling Ex's and just turn away from the uncomfortable. But then there are some who do support you and put friendship above their own personal dislikes. These are your true friends and now is the time you'll find out who they are.

[GDS_Starfury]

I don't feel like going into the details beyond these.
we had no joint bank accounts with only the house in both our names
we had no kids
it was 100% her fault
I had the golden path during and after the divorce and lost none of the friends I already had

[W8taminute]

I can't even imagine the pain of a divorce but I can definitely understand thinking everything is over and what's the point anymore? 

Don't let those feelings get the better of you, ever.  Without getting all, how should I say this, well you know how I am and what I believe, I want to tell you that we all have the power within us to overcome.  Channel that energy and use it help you get out of those dark places. 

I just had a falling out with a friend that ended quickly and with no apparent explanation and all over something that doesn't even matter.  I felt a horrible feeling in my head I couldn't get out and the images of the short but violent shouting match that took place wouldn't leave my head. 

The thing that helped me to get over it, well mostly over it, was to actually embrace those dark feelings and get a firm grip on them.  I let the argument play over and over in my head until I finally realized it wasn't my fault, it wasn't even my friends fault, but a little bit of both.  I took command of those flashbacks by watching them over and over again like a football coach observe replay's of this team. 

Once I did that I got much better.  I know divorce is something else entirely and my situation doesn't even come close to comparing.  My point is I felt genuine pain that was sudden, sharp, and overbearing.  But I dealt with it. 

There is other stuff I did too but I won't get into that.

[GDS_Starfury]

and lots of beer