Quote{hipster mom to child} Now, remember, if a stranger approaches you in the park, you tell them you don't even own a TV.
QuoteIf someone asks you to watch their plants, just let them die and they'll never ask you to watch them again. This also works with kids.
QuoteIt's hard to argue that men are the smarter sex when women have a perfect record of never getting their genitals stuck in something.
QuoteThere was an Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe, and everyone criticized her bad parenting instead of trying to get her better fucking housing
QuoteBreaking: J.K. Rowling announces we've all been saying Voldemort wrong. "It's pronounced 'Dick Cheney'" the author was quoted.
QuoteBobby Jindal calling Donald Trump an egomaniac is like Dick Cheney calling Satan evil. True but I mean, like, consider the source.
QuoteAny man who says Ronda Rousey shouldn't play the lead in the Roadhouse reboot because she's a woman should have to fight her.
Quote"I like Ronda Rousey I just can't see her in that role." You mean the lead in Roadhouse who just kicks people's asses for the entire movie??
QuoteMy son wants me to help him with his American History homework but I can't because I'm American
QuoteFantasy Football drafting is like buying exciting new groceries and finding out in 2 weeks that your cheese has a torn meniscus
Quote[me] sorry I'm late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I'm just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me
QuoteThe only way marriage equality ever hurt anyone is, thanks to Kim Davis, it indirectly got Eye of the Tiger stuck in my fucking head.
Quoteevery time you adopt an orphan you significantly decrease their chance of becoming batman
QuoteBill Belichick is sexist. The correct term is Bill Beliwoman.
QuoteThose household cleaner ads are so unrealistic because when the parents are scrubbing crayon off the walls the kid is standing there alive.
QuoteMovie Theater Announcement: turn off your phone, the little bit of light is distracting. Also, buy some popcorn: the loudest snack available
QuoteI'd want Sarah Palin to teach my kid English about as much as I'd want Bristol Palin to teach her sex ed.
QuoteI don't know if I'm Wolverine, but I never go to the doctor and I'm still alive.
QuoteSuper Mario turned 30 yesterday. Just a 30 year old white guy with a thick mustache who appeals to children. Nothing weird about that.
QuoteBreaking: Texas to introduce the "Clocks for Glocks" exchange program.
QuoteDo people excited about getting a dislike button on Facebook not know that you can just ignore things online that you don't like? Oh right.
QuoteIf Yankee Candle was going for realistic scents, Country Kitchen would smell like shattered football dreams & Dad's drinking problems.
QuoteIf there's life on Mars it's probably just a bunch of dudes lying about having girlfriends on Venus.
QuoteI'm a woman and I really liked my lunch but I didn't fuck it does that mean I "friend-zoned" my lunch?
QuoteStill not positive what the horror was in little shop of horrors because a singing plant from outer space sounds awesome.
QuoteFact: The water on Mars was all just splashed there in the 90's by girls in Noxema commercials washing their faces.
QuoteDuck Negotiator: Ok, so we get to live in your parks and you guys will bring us free bread
Humans: Can we pet you at least?
Duck: Fuck no
QuoteSometimes people ask, "What's the worst that could happen?"
That's where I come in.
QuoteHaving some hot cocoa which is my favorite beverage-drinking activity that also sounds like I'm engaging in sex with a stripper.
QuoteThey don't hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It's Restockholm syndrome.
QuoteBreaking: NASA discovers water on Mars. Aquaman officially declared lamest superhero ever for having not discovered it first.
Quote{Batman at McDonald's}
What's your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
{pulls out his batwallet} I like your style.
QuoteWatching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
QuoteKids, in my day there were very few "sexy" costume options and most of us didn't want them because our parents raised us, not the internet.
QuoteThere may be no wrong way to eat a Reese's, but there's no right way for a woman to eat a banana in an office full of men.
QuoteWhenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
QuoteDonald Trump must feel conflicted about Christopher Columbus because he was a white guy but he was also a Spanish-speaking illegal.
QuoteWhat's the face-saving-for-both-parties way at a dinner party to tell someone you recognize them from porn? It wasn't what I just did.
QuoteRewatching Game of Thrones season 5 and "The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant" is still the greatest line ever even out of context.
QuoteIf kangaroos are from Australia why are their babies named after Italian guys from New Jersey?
Quote"Technically" is just "actually" for trolls who don't care about saving characters in their replies to your tweets.
QuoteAn ex just endorsed me on LinkedIn, and I'd really like to return the favor, but there isn't an option for "mediocre at sex."
QuoteI'm opposed to the death penalty except in extreme cases like my coworker microwaving a crab cake in the break room at 7:30 AM.
Quote from: bayonetbrant on September 29, 2015, 12:20:05 PMQuoteSometimes people ask, "What's the worst that could happen?"
That's where I come in.
Quote from: bayonetbrant on October 15, 2015, 12:55:10 PMQuoteDonald Trump must feel conflicted about Christopher Columbus because he was a white guy but he was also a Spanish-speaking illegal.
QuoteBoyfriend & I are doing the cutest Halloween couples costume, I'm going as a positive pregnancy test & he's going as 'won't return my call.'
QuoteCongratulations to Hillary Clinton for winning the #GOPDebate last night without even showing up.
QuoteI'm jealous of teenagers and their confident assumption that they won't turn out exactly like us.
QuoteI'd like to apologize for being passive-aggressive. I'm sincerely sorry you're overly-sensitive and took offense to it.
QuoteWhen I read "technical difficulties at Fox" I just assumed someone on the news said "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."
QuoteCoworker: Hey I was just thinking-
Me: Good for you! [hands her a cookie and walks away]
QuoteTerrifying Halloween costume idea: Coworker with a cold.
QuoteJust saw the GOP candidates referred to as "possible noms" and now I'm imagining them all being eaten by a cat in a meme. Try it. It's fun.
QuoteOn Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Quote"you're breaking up with me, here? and now?!"
"it's just not working out"
*both continue pedaling tandem bicycle in silence*
QuoteNo Halloween party at work this year but they're still making me dress up as business casual and pretend to be someone I'm not.
QuoteMy dr asked if I'm careful about showering alone since I have low BP & I'm like well I wasn't but now I'm gonna use it as a pickup line.
QuoteSo we've had Star Wars Day and Back To The Future Day. Motion to call Christmas Eve "Die Hard Day."
QuoteIf my boss didn't want me tossing tiny pumpkins around the office like the Green Goblin she shouldn't have left them in a basket on her desk
QuoteApparently the correct term for letter sized printer paper isn't "barely legal."
QuoteI am a ghost in the sheets & a ghost in the streets. I am wearing a costume.
QuoteI wear a clown mask to sleep just in case one of my kids has a nightmare and comes to sleep in our bed.
QuoteI'm on the Halloween Candy Diet and I haven't cheated even once.
QuoteI once dated an apostrophe. Too possessive.
QuoteWhen the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
QuoteIf you see a NASCAR hat hanging from my doorknob that means I'm in my room having sex with my cousin.
Quote🎶 He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's Muslim or worships Christ. Trumpy Claus is coming to town 🎶
QuoteUsing a thesaurus to make your writing sound more interesting is the most elderly ruse in the tome.
QuoteReligion gave women a rib, evolution gave them boobs. Your move religion.
Quote"Why do we let these parasites in here? I will build a wall to protect our freedom!" I shouted as my boss slowly backed out of my cubicle.
QuotePorn is so unrealistic. Pizza never comes that quick. Women either.
Quote from: bayonetbrant on November 25, 2015, 07:40:38 PMQuotePorn is so unrealistic. Pizza never comes that quick. Women either.
Quote from: bayonetbrant on November 25, 2015, 07:40:38 PMQuote🎶 He's making a list. He's checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's Muslim or worships Christ. Trumpy Claus is coming to town 🎶
QuoteMen always say "if you don't like I how I do, do it yourself." This is also the reason they never complain about the quality of a blowjob.
QuoteI'm like Santa except I leave coal in the stocking of anyone who says Die Hard isn't a Christmas movie.
QuoteThe power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I've decided to get stronger.
QuoteTrapped a possum who has been terrorizing me & now I'm starting to like him and want to keep him, which explains 99% of my relationships.
QuoteYou don't fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
QuoteSHOPKEEPER: don't get them wet and don't feed them after—
ME: {already dipping them in buffalo sauce}
QuoteI saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Then he put a black rubber ball in her mouth with a strap around her head I'm just telling you what I saw
Quote"Hello darkness my old friend."
Darkness: I'm not lending you any money.
QuoteNo matter where you live, or what team you root for, we can all agree on one thing. Real hoverboards don't have fucking wheels.
QuoteThe level of nerd in this theater right now is making ME want to start bullying people and I'm a female gamer who reads comic books.
QuoteTrump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
QuoteI'm outraged that Starbucks stopped using pigs blood to make their coffee cups red. - the Gwar on Christmas
QuotePeople online are so much more cautious about revealing movie spoilers than they are about calling each other racial epithets.
QuoteMartin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can't possible afford.
QuoteMy office Christmas parties are a lot like the one in Die Hard. The attendees are annoying and I walk around shoeless and swearing.
QuoteIt's called BOYcotting because sometimes it's good but most of the time it's just immature and annoying
QuotePoint Break (2015)
A bad film is rebooted in such a way that it appeals neither to this generation nor the generation who saw the original.
QuoteI'm offering cheap troll insurance under a plan I call The Affordable I Don't Care Act.
QuoteTo appease bros mad about Serena Williams beating American Pharoah next year Sports Illustrated is going to put a centaur on the cover.
QuoteI have a cold so I'm going to see a children's movie in the theater today. See how they like it.
QuoteBruce Willis has always looked Bruce Willis years old.
Quote{Teen looking at Twitter}
That John Lennon guy my grandparents like is trending. He probably died.
QuoteIt's called a MENorah because we exaggerate how long it can last.
QuoteMe: If I had twins I would make so many jokes about "the twins" like they were my boobs do you do that?
Sister-in-law with twins: No.
QuoteOne of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, "Here's your Christmas juice," and now he's the one I'm leaving everything to.
QuoteIf Mariah Carey sees her shadow today it means 6 more weeks of Christmas music.
QuoteI'm seriously starting to think Donald Trump is involved in some sort of dare.
QuoteThe only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
QuoteSpending the day with family. Merry Criticismas.
Quotei only go on ebay after i smoke pot that way i'm always the highest bidder thank you check please
QuoteWomen make better Ghostbusters than men because we are used to caring about invisible problems no one else believes in.
QuotePlot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty
QuoteMe: I'm definitely over him
Wine: No
QuoteInstead of a block option on Twitter, let's have a "notify his mom" button
Quote"How can I ruin a thing everyone loves?" -- the person who invented macaroni salad
Quote"Dogs are assholes"
DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole!
"Cats are assholes"
CAT PERSON: Yeah
QuoteI'm only up because I'm afraid if I get any more beauty sleep you will all worship me as your queen and I'm too modest for that life.
Quote"Hey, baby, you should smile more. And/or don't." --Schrodinger's Cat-call
QuoteFact: When you become old enough to be eligible for Medicare they give you a free beige sedan.
QuoteI want to see a followup commercial where the wife goes back to bed and the husband has crazy deviant phone sex with Jake from State Farm
QuoteDonald Trump got endorsed by Sarah Palin and the next thing you know he's dropping out of something.
QuoteFood for thought: Were the shower heads in the Beast's castle humans before the curse?
QuoteBeauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Quote[Matthew McConaughey gets into Lincoln]
"Siri, you got a joint?"
Siri: No, I do not.
"It'd be a lot cooler if you did."
Quote from: bayonetbrant on December 31, 2015, 10:58:29 AMQuote"Dogs are assholes"
DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole!
"Cats are assholes"
CAT PERSON: Yeah
QuotePokémon turned 20 years old today but it has no plans of moving out of its parents' basement any time soon.
QuoteIf Jews really controlled the media there would be a lot more stories about calling your mother.
QuoteTwitter is basically America; it's symbol is a bird and most of the things people say are dumb.
QuoteBruce Wayne's parents have died in so many movies I'm surprised he didn't become Catman.
QuoteI don't know who Zayn is but I do know that nobody born in 1993 is old enough to deserve an "Early Life" section in their Wikipedia bio.
QuoteTo watch an egg hunt with more kids than eggs is to deeply understand Lord of the Flies.
QuoteOh please, children, I have an Easter egg hunt every morning. It's called "where the hell are my keys?"
QuoteDating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don't make you a mix tape?
Quote"I worry about boys pretending to be trans using the girls room at school."
Yeah one thing teen boys LOVE to do is pretend to be different.
Quotethank God for Batman vs. Superman, after months of Presidential debates it'll be a relief to finally see two narcissistic assholes fighting
QuoteMy 6 yr old asked me if "satire" is like a "flat tire." I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
QuoteGetting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
QuoteYour age can be entirely determined by whether you view selling out as a shame or a goal.
QuoteSleeping Beauty has only 18 lines of dialogue and gets molested while she's unconscious she's like if a fraternity created a Disney Princess
QuoteIf I had a time machine i'd go back & give cavemen some crackers & beer so that I don't have to ever hear about the Paleo diet again.
QuoteBreaking: Oklahoma to change its state motto to "Oklabromas before Oklahomas"
QuoteTrump: I'd date Ivanka if I wasn't her dad.
Me: At least he can't get any grosser
Trump: I could've fucked a dead princess if I wanted to.
QuoteYour call is very important to us. Please stay on the line for the next available representative who gives a fuck.
QuoteIf the Lannisters, Greyjoys, Baratheons and Targaryens had joined forces it could've been called the LGBT alliance.
Quote2016's official slogan is "It gets worse."
QuoteI want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
QuoteMy sexual preference is "ugh I'll just do it myself"
QuoteUK people tweeting about US politics: [informed and insightful comment]
US people tweeting about UK politics: So which party is Slytherin?
QuoteYea, I have a beach body. Big, wavy and teeming with crabs
QuoteA family at Starbucks is discussing a relative's intervention, and after an hour of eavesdropping I'll be offended if they don't invite me.
QuoteI just watched a pot til it boiled Mom you son of a bitch
QuoteSince Ariel was 16 when she became human do you think she got her period immediately?
Boss: I meant any questions about the presentation.
QuoteHorse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.
QuoteBreaking: Trump dumps Corey Lewandowski; replaces him with younger, hotter campaign manager.
QuoteI've thought long and hard about this and I've decided I want dragons.
QuoteImagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
QuoteI did a lot of stupid shit in college but at least I was never one of those people who enjoyed SpongeBob or Dave Matthews.
Quote from: MetalDog on June 24, 2016, 07:51:58 AM
Why all the hate for Dave Matthews?
Quote from: panzerde on June 24, 2016, 07:57:22 AMQuote from: MetalDog on June 24, 2016, 07:51:58 AM
Why all the hate for Dave Matthews?
Worse, why all the hate for Sponge Bob?!
Quote from: bayonetbrant on June 24, 2016, 07:56:29 AM
Because The Olskies were better at what he did but they never made it big.
Quote from: MetalDog on June 24, 2016, 08:16:14 AMQuote from: bayonetbrant on June 24, 2016, 07:56:29 AM
Because The Olskies were better at what he did but they never made it big.
You think you're going to make me go to YouTube and discover just who these "Olskies," are, don't you?!
Quote from: MetalDog on June 24, 2016, 08:16:14 AMQuote from: bayonetbrant on June 24, 2016, 07:56:29 AM
Because The Olskies were better at what he did but they never made it big.
You think you're going to make me go to YouTube and discover just who these "Olskies," are, don't you?!
Quote from: mirth on June 24, 2016, 08:02:50 AMQuote from: panzerde on June 24, 2016, 07:57:22 AMQuote from: MetalDog on June 24, 2016, 07:51:58 AM
Why all the hate for Dave Matthews?
Worse, why all the hate for Sponge Bob?!
The Loofa was better but never made the big time.
Quote from: mirth on June 24, 2016, 08:02:50 AMThe Loofa was better but never made the big time.
[At dinner]
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) January 3, 2016
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it's 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Quote from: bayonetbrant on June 24, 2016, 09:04:22 AMQuote from: mirth on June 24, 2016, 08:02:50 AMThe Loofa was better but never made the big time.
soooooooooooooo NSFW
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/30b1613c-d7f4-4888-a672-02c22a9d48e5
you're welcome