Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

[bayonetbrant]

A captain tells the crew of his rapidly sinking ship, "Any of you know any prayers?"
One yeoman raises his hand.
"Good. You stay here and pray; the rest of us will get the hell outta here-we're one lifejacket short."

[bayonetbrant]

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

[bayonetbrant]

Q: How many Internet mailing list subscribers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1,331
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to quote all posts to date, including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

[bob48]

Two nun's in a bath.

One says 'Where's the soap'

The other ones says 'Yes, is does'.

[Windigo]

Q: How many Internet mailing list subscribers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1,331 1332
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers
156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this e mail exchange to alt.lite.bulb
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to quote all posts to date, including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
1 volunteer moderator to remove 1 or 2 posts because they had nipples showing

[GDS_Starfury]

still bitter huh.

[Windigo]

still bitter huh.

they were the most awesomeness of nipples

[bayonetbrant]

A Christmas Love Story

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed - as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

[BanzaiCat]

I'd really like to find a collection of National Lampoon magazines' Letters to the Editor column. I saw the NL series of mags is available on Amazon for $100, but I've heard it was a sloppy production.

You can get a free copy of NL from 1970 here:

http://nationallampoon.com/1970_10.pdf

[Martok]

(A little Norwegian-American humor for ya...) 





His name was Ole. 

He was from Minnesota. And he needed a loan.


So, he walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Oslo for the All-Scandinavian Summer Festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so Ole handed over the keys to his new Ferrari.. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. Ole produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. The loan papers were signed and an employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at Ole from Minnesota for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

Two weeks later, Ole returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of Minnesota, a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

Ole replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"



Keep an eye on these Minnesota boys! Just because we talk funny does not mean we just got off the lutefisk boat.

[Staggerwing]

*chuckle*

[LongBlade]

That's brilliant, Martok.

[GDS_Starfury]

all except for the math on 12% interest.  ;)

[Martok]

Thanks guys! 

all except for the math on 12% interest.  ;)

Whatever you say Ben.  :P 

[GDS_Starfury]

Was that an apr of just the time 2 months.  ???