Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

[bayonetbrant]

seen on Twitter

Women are still the original 3D printer.

[bayonetbrant]

blonde joke that's actually clean, and funny


Double Pane Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year...that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.

Guess he felt really stupid, huh? ??

[bayonetbrant]

Some of these are pretty funny

http://distractify.com/sex-relationships/2016/11/01/twitter-sex-jokes



but these are both terrifying and hilarious

http://distractify.com/sex-relationships/2016/10/28/walking-in-on-sex
esp #9

[Martok]

but these are both terrifying and hilarious

http://distractify.com/sex-relationships/2016/10/28/walking-in-on-sex
esp #9

Ha, yeah those are great!  #16 is probably the most disturbing for me. 

[bayonetbrant]

ouch
http://www.tickld.com/x/fbk/30-people-share-their-worst-fck-my-life-moments-and-theyre-so-sad-its-funny/p-4

the rest are pretty bad too

[Martok]

ouch
http://www.tickld.com/x/fbk/30-people-share-their-worst-fck-my-life-moments-and-theyre-so-sad-its-funny/p-4

the rest are pretty bad too

Yikes, most of those are indeed bad.  :(  The one with the grandparents having sex was kinda funny, but I don't envy the grandkid! 

[Windigo]

Read this, laughed and thought of.... [*thinking of who I haven't trolled for a while] oh WTF.... Jason!   <:-)


Today, I came home to find a sock on my bed that I had previously used to whack off. It had googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read, "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom."

[bayonetbrant]

http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/20-phd-students-dumb-down-their-thesis-just-for-us

[Martok]

http://www.tickld.com/x/jaw/20-phd-students-dumb-down-their-thesis-just-for-us

Most of those are pretty good.  And I agree that #6 is the best!  O0 

[Windigo]

They're missing my favourite one.

"Farmers will adopt better farming practices if you pay them to try them out. Well over half will stop using them when you stop paying them - regardless of the increased profitability of maintaining the practices. If you do this exact same thing, but extensively involve the farm women, well over half will keep using them after you stop paying them."

[bayonetbrant]

[Barthheart]

 :clap:

[Martok]

That's almost too meta to count as a joke.  It is clever, however.  :bd: 

[Windigo]

That's almost too meta to count as a joke.  It is clever, however.  :bd:

[^Mandatory critique] followed by [-->statement of the obvious]

[besilarius]

One of my favorites.

The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?