I will turn 39 this spring. i became father at 34 and have now two sweet daughters, a wife (though not married) and we moved into our own old house a year ago. until january i worked two jobs and stayed at home for one day.
somehow i think i've never been that stressed out and worn out. on paper everything looks great but i sometimes feel like my head explodes with all the goals to meet both jobwise and private. and within my friends i can see that a lot of them have the same problem. i would be interested to hear from those ten years or so ahead of me how they experienced this time and how things changed for them.
We adapt.
You will be assimilated.
Enjoy your children while they are young. Before you know it they will borrow the car
and disappear. You cannot, however, protect them from everything or they will never
go away. Between the time they are sweet and innocent and when they drive away
they may or may not make you want to kill them. Don't do that even if it makes sense
at the time. In jail you will be married to the guy with the most cigarettes and that sux.
My kids are 21 and 25 and although I did my best, I regret each moment I chose not to
spend with them. But not too much. They still fone and come around but usually it
involves money.
Time managment is everything. If you are not a person who makes lists and schedules, I would recommend that you start doing so, now. I've got lists for things I need to do re: house, kids, job, yard, car, hobbies, and friends. I also schedule important activites into my calender (I use a blackberry but an iphone would work too) and include all the "related" activities (ie: taking kids to 1 hour skating lesson should include the 15 minutes to get there, the 10 minutes to tie and untie skates, and the 15 minute trip back home = 1 hour, 40 minutes). Also prioritize the tasks you want / need to do. And absolutely make time for excercise, which should include cardio (for endurance), strength and core conditioning (for energy and metabolism) and flexibility.
If you think you're busy now, wait until the kids start doing lots of things, like for my kids: piano, skiing, swimming, scouts, skating, choir, crossing guard, library helper, and lunch monitors. Add homework, playtime and downtime on top of that, and you don't have much left over for them or you.
FWIW...I've long abandoned some of my older "material" goals. "Buy an upgraded computer" has been on my "to do" list for about four years. I haven't done it yet, largely because I recognize that a new computer with games = massive time suck. Same for my getting my gun license. It's only an 8 hour course...but once I get it, then what? Do I really want to sit at my computer blasting aliens or sit in the garage cleaning my SMLE....or would I rather argue with my daughter about the past-perfect, 3rd person plural conjugation of the verb "Sortir"? You may also want to consider ROI (return on investment) and CBA (cost benefit analysis). Perhaps if I had much more discretionary income I might feel different...but right now I tend to think "$500 for a new pistol or $500 for a two days skiing with family?" The pistol...or at least "a" pistol, will be there when my kids leave. Skiing with a twelve year old only really happens for one season in my entire life.
If you want, I can send you my "things to do" excel list....now with categories (home / auto / yard) and occurance (weekly / monthly / yearly, etc).
You know...maybe we should create a grogheads shared skydrive for this kind of stuff...yet another thing to add to my list.
tick, tick,
Jack Nastyface
I agree with LongDan.. Enjoy every minute of it, because it flies by so fast!.. You get to be young again through your kids.. My Son was born when I was 35.. seems like just yesterday, he's 17 now.. College coming soon.. I think, the biggest stress factor is worrying about helping them with College, while at the same time worrying about having enough to retire so close around the corner... BTW.. already went through one college kid, stepson is 27... have a 13 year old pulling up the rear as well..
Ken, it never gets real easy.
However, you deserve to enjoy your kids. If you spend all the time working, they will grow up and resent you for not making time for them. Then they will develop a thick skin to handle their disappointment, and before long in their teenage years, they will not have time for you.
There needs to be a balance between everything, but you'll never regain the time lost. If you're doubting the wisdom of your present lifestyle, there probably is something that needs to change.
I'm probably not a representative sample - stay at home dad running a broke-@$$ website. But the upside is I'm here for the kids.
Right now I'm surfing the web while the fam watches some lame TV show. But I'm here with them, and we're chatting from time to time sharing stuff we're finding on the net (everyone has a phone and/or laptop/tablet).
Quote from: LongBlade on January 11, 2013, 08:09:29 PM
I'm probably not a representative sample - stay at home dad running a broke-@$$ website. But the upside is I'm here for the kids.
Right now I'm surfing the web while the fam watches some lame TV show. But I'm here with them, and we're chatting from time to time sharing stuff we're finding on the net (everyone has a phone and/or laptop/tablet).
Plus you have those kickass slippers. You're living the dream my friend.
Quote from: mirth on January 11, 2013, 10:07:33 PM
Quote from: LongBlade on January 11, 2013, 08:09:29 PM
I'm probably not a representative sample - stay at home dad running a broke-@$$ website. But the upside is I'm here for the kids.
Right now I'm surfing the web while the fam watches some lame TV show. But I'm here with them, and we're chatting from time to time sharing stuff we're finding on the net (everyone has a phone and/or laptop/tablet).
Plus you have those kickass slippers. You're living the dream my friend.
Thanks for the reminder. I need to slip those on.
SO YOU DID GET THOSE SLIPPERS!!!
Im jealous and bitter.
thanks for all the answers.
my problem is not, that i have no time with the kids. i reduced work to have a day with them and also spend time with them on weekends. that's rather common with my friends, but actually only very few men do this. the problem is all the goals you have to meet. at christmas there were for both jobs deadlines at the 20th of december and then again on 7th of january. my wife had to do correct about 80 diploma works and tests over those days too and then you have all those family meetings. i felt shaky all through christmas.
Jack: the list thing is definately on my list. i already started this but i will pm you my mail address later to see your list.
Quote from: GDS_Starfury on January 12, 2013, 01:16:13 AM
Im jealous and bitter.
Read the New 52 Aquaman. You'll feel like a real superhero.
Kenny, let them know they are loved. Every day. And try to take the things that make you angry and remember that it is just temporary. For your well being and theirs. Work is just a part time thing that pays the bills. Leave it at work and give your family the best of you.
Great advice, Metal.
Thank you, sir. And I dig those slippers.
Yoda? This is Yoda on New Years Eve:
"DRUNK!? Will you tell I am If DRUNK!!!!"
I'm hearing this said in different ways but "keep it in the present". Of course everyone likes to look forward to what you are going to do together but what is most important is what you are doing now even if it isn't as glamorous as what you might like to do. I heard it said once that it takes at least ten minutes a day of one on one interaction to build a relationship. That's real eye contact time. Make that happen, squeeze your personal time, you can relax when you are an empty nester. I want my children to desire my time when they are older and that can only happen if I make sacrifices of my own time now. Most of important of all is to remember that "relartionships with your children are more important than financial success".
There you are... my thoughts on what brings me happiness.
Sparhawk
That is nail on the head stuff. If you are not interested in spending time with your kids
do not expect them to develop any interest in spending time with you.