Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

[bayonetbrant]

quotes from Drill sergeants

DS: "Have you ever seen the serial number on a condom, private?"
PVT: "No, Drill Sergeant!"
DS: "You must not unroll it far enough."

DS: "Did you buy my action figure at Wal-Mart?"
Private: "No drill sergeant!"
DS: "Then why are you playin' with me?!"

[bayonetbrant]

[besilarius]

 A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[endfire79]

Translated Russian joke

There are two nine story buildings neighboring each other. One neighbor yells to the other neighbor of the opposite house:

"Hey Michael, when is your birthday?" One neighbor yells to the other neighbor.

"May. Why do you ask Alex?" The second neighbor asks in return.

"Because I know exactly a gift for you."

"Ok, and what will it be?"

"Since we can see everything every time your wife blows you, I'll be more than happy to provide you with window curtains."

"Fine, and when is your birthday?" The second neighbor asks the other neighbor's first question.

"July, why do you ask Michael?"

"It seems to me that I found a perfect gift for you as well."

"And what will it be?"

"Binoculars of course. That way you would finally be able to recognize whose wife that woman is."

[bayonetbrant]

"Sir, the insurgents have developed a new CBIED!"
"A what?!"
"CBIED - a Cattle-Borne Improvised Explosive Device."
"You mean..."
"Yessir, the insurgents shove a bunch of explosives up a cow's ass and send him toward the perimeter to try and blow a hole in the wire."
"Why, that's abombinabull!"

[bayonetbrant]

[GDS_Starfury]

[LongBlade]

Laugh

Out

Loud

[bayonetbrant]

Found on Twitter

I'm giving up listening to Rick Astley for Lent.
Who am I kidding? Rick, I'm never gonna give you up.

My coworker who's constantly bragging and patting herself on the back for projects she's done just won Employeezus of the Month.

"Maybe you should give up tweeting about Frozen for Lent."
So you're saying that for 40 days I should... Let it go?

Maroon 5 is like if you gave a wine cooler a record deal.

[Martok]

Ha!  O0 

[bayonetbrant]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''
''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Staggerwing]

Chief! Radar shows multiple facepalms inbound!

[LongBlade]

Ha! I did not see that one coming.

[besilarius]

Blondes at work

[Martok]

<chuckle>  Wow!  A blonde joke I hadn't heard before...