Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

Started by bayonetbrant, January 31, 2012, 01:01:37 PM

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bayonetbrant

#330
April 14, 2015, 06:01:44 PM
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-Six" Jay said.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Martok

#331
April 14, 2015, 06:21:44 PM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on April 14, 2015, 06:01:44 PM
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"

"Twenty-Six" Jay said.
Subtle.  :P 

"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

Ubercat

#332
April 15, 2015, 08:18:21 PM
I don't get it. Jay and Silent Bob?
"If you have always believed that everyone should play by the same rules and be judged by the same standards, that would have gotten you labelled a radical 50 years ago, a liberal 25 years ago, and a racist today."

- Thomas Sowell

bayonetbrant

#333
April 15, 2015, 08:23:14 PM
Quote from: Ubercat on April 15, 2015, 08:18:21 PM
I don't get it. Jay and Silent Bob?

listen to GrogCast #6 ;)
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Ubercat

#334
April 15, 2015, 08:43:01 PM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on April 15, 2015, 08:23:14 PM
Quote from: Ubercat on April 15, 2015, 08:18:21 PM
I don't get it. Jay and Silent Bob?

listen to GrogCast #6 ;)

Where would I find that? It's not like we have a front page or anything...  :D
"If you have always believed that everyone should play by the same rules and be judged by the same standards, that would have gotten you labelled a radical 50 years ago, a liberal 25 years ago, and a racist today."

- Thomas Sowell

bayonetbrant

#335
April 15, 2015, 09:42:14 PM
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

besilarius

#336
April 16, 2015, 05:32:23 PM
These are moving like hot cakes!

http://www.ebay.com/itm/271203307662
"Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out until too late that he's been playing with two queens all along".  Terry Pratchett.

During filming of Airplane, Leslie Nielsen used a whoopee cushion to keep the cast off-balance. Hays said that Nielsen "played that thing like a maestro"

Tallulah Bankhead: "I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me."

"When all other trusts fail, turn to Flashman." — Abraham Lincoln.

"I have enjoyed very warm relations with my two husbands."
"With your eyes closed?"
"That helped."  Lauren Bacall

Master Chiefs are sneaky, dastardly, and snarky miscreants who thrive on the tears of Ensigns and belly dancers.   Admiral Gerry Bogan.

LongBlade

#337
April 16, 2015, 05:35:10 PM
Quote from: besilarius on April 16, 2015, 05:32:23 PM
These are moving like hot cakes!

http://www.ebay.com/itm/271203307662

OK, that was *not* funny.

Penalty relocation to Houston for you!
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

BanzaiCat

#338
April 17, 2015, 05:45:50 AM
Quote from: LongBlade on April 16, 2015, 05:35:10 PM
Penalty relocation to Houston for you!

>:(

Windigo

#339
April 20, 2015, 02:06:00 PM
Quote from: Ubercat on April 15, 2015, 08:43:01 PM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on April 15, 2015, 08:23:14 PM
Quote from: Ubercat on April 15, 2015, 08:18:21 PM
I don't get it. Jay and Silent Bob?

listen to GrogCast #6 ;)

Where would I find that? It's not like we have a front page or anything...  :D

+1+1+1+1+1
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know.

besilarius

#340
May 12, 2015, 05:58:14 PM
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet?

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says "No."

He says, "Do you know what I think?"

His Mom replies, "OK, do tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
"Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out until too late that he's been playing with two queens all along".  Terry Pratchett.

During filming of Airplane, Leslie Nielsen used a whoopee cushion to keep the cast off-balance. Hays said that Nielsen "played that thing like a maestro"

Tallulah Bankhead: "I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me."

"When all other trusts fail, turn to Flashman." — Abraham Lincoln.

"I have enjoyed very warm relations with my two husbands."
"With your eyes closed?"
"That helped."  Lauren Bacall

Master Chiefs are sneaky, dastardly, and snarky miscreants who thrive on the tears of Ensigns and belly dancers.   Admiral Gerry Bogan.

BanzaiCat

#341
May 12, 2015, 09:04:30 PM
So this woman living in New York City can't take life anymore and decides to end it all. She goes down to the piers and is ready to fling herself in the water, when along comes a handsome man.

"Ah, you don't have to do this," he says to her, pleading. "I am a sailor. I'm headed out to Italy tomorrow on my ship. I can sneak you aboard and give you safe passage, and make you very happy. It would be a chance for you to start life anew!"

She ponders this a moment; she'd truly always wanted to see Europe, especially Italy. She reluctantly agrees, and goes with the man to his ship in the dead of night; it is pitch black and he guides her expertly to board the ship. He leads her down into the hold, where there's a very small but comfortable space that she will stay in.

The sailor, as promised, visits her each night. He brings her three delicious sandwiches and a bottle of wine, and then makes love to her all night long, leaving just before dawn each time.

Two weeks into the journey, the Captain makes an inspection of the hold, and finds the stowaway. He asks her what the hell she's doing on his ship.

She replies, "I have an arrangement with one of your sailors. He gave me this space, feeds me three times a day, and is giving me free passage to Italy."

"I see," says the Captain.

In the silence that follows, the woman's conscience begins hammering away at her thoughts, until she can't take it anymore and decides to confess.

"Okay, that's not all," she says. "He's also been screwing me."

"I'll say," responds the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

LongBlade

#342
May 13, 2015, 08:25:59 AM
Ha! Both of those are great.
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

Martok

#343
May 13, 2015, 12:31:00 PM
Quote from: LongBlade on May 13, 2015, 08:25:59 AM
Ha! Both of those are great.
Seconded!  They both had me chuckling. 

"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

GDS_Starfury

#344
May 21, 2015, 12:11:48 PM
A husband went to the sheriff's department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
Jarhead - Yeah. You're probably right.

Gus - I use sweatpants with flannel shorts to soak up my crotch sweat.

Banzai Cat - There is no "partial credit" in grammar. Like anal sex. It's either in, or it's not.

Mirth - We learned long ago that they key isn't to outrun Star, it's to outrun Gus.

Martok - I don't know if it's possible to have an "anti-boner"...but I now have one.

Gus - Celery is vile and has no reason to exist. Like underwear on Star.

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