Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

Started by bayonetbrant, January 31, 2012, 01:01:37 PM

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Longdan

#120
January 30, 2013, 04:54:36 PM
Well I know that too many beer leads to divorce.  Damn another paradox.
digni enim sunt interdicunt

bayonetbrant

#121
February 01, 2013, 07:21:48 AM
you gotta be a bit of a music geek to get this, but it's pretty damned funny...



C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

TheCommandTent

#122
February 01, 2013, 08:29:15 AM
^Who ever thought that up had way to much time on their hands.
"No wants, no needs, we weren't meant for that, none of us.  Man stagnates if he has no ambition, no desire to be more than he is."

bayonetbrant

#123
February 01, 2013, 08:42:03 AM
Quote from: TheCommandTent on February 01, 2013, 08:29:15 AM^Who ever thought that up had way to much time on their hands.

absolutely, but it was pretty funny.

I'm sure it started out as just the top line or two in a thread on a forum somewhere, and much like our pun threads here, just sort of started rolling
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Martok

#124
February 01, 2013, 10:44:05 AM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on February 01, 2013, 07:21:48 AM
you gotta be a bit of a music geek to get this, but it's pretty damned funny...



C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
Heh. 

I agree with TCT that someone had too much time on their hands, but it *is* pretty damn clever. 


Also, I'm slightly disturbed that I understood almost every part of that joke.  (Gods, I hated music theory!) 

"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

TheCommandTent

#125
February 01, 2013, 07:55:31 PM
Quote from: Martok on February 01, 2013, 10:44:05 AM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on February 01, 2013, 07:21:48 AM
you gotta be a bit of a music geek to get this, but it's pretty damned funny...



C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
Heh. 

I agree with TCT that someone had too much time on their hands, but it *is* pretty damn clever. 


Also, I'm slightly disturbed that I understood almost every part of that joke.(Gods, I hated music theory!)

I couldn't agree more.
"No wants, no needs, we weren't meant for that, none of us.  Man stagnates if he has no ambition, no desire to be more than he is."

bayonetbrant

#126
May 30, 2013, 02:56:26 PM
Didja hear the one about the Polish ski-jumper?  He won a gold medal at the Olympics and wanted it preserved, so he had it bronzed...
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#127
July 04, 2013, 01:26:13 PM
Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Phillip Glass
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#128
July 04, 2013, 01:26:44 PM
 
A linguistics professor says during a lecture" In English, a double negative forms a positive.

But in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative still forms a negative.

However, in no language in the world does a double positive form a negative!

A voice in the back of class blurts out: "Yeah, right!"

The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#129
July 04, 2013, 01:27:03 PM
Why did the programmer die in the shower? The shampoo bottle said:

LATHER
WASH
RINSE
REPEAT
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#130
July 04, 2013, 01:27:22 PM
The math functions stopped inviting differential to their parties. He just didn't integrate.


Yo mamma so fat the ratio between her circumference and radius is 4!


Q: What does an Italian pan with a depth of 'a', and radius 'z' hold within it? pi *z*z*a


Yo momma so big the probability of her center of mass being at an arbitrary point in a room is 1.


Why was the mathematician so proud of the way he solved his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Barthheart

#131
July 04, 2013, 01:57:41 PM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on July 04, 2013, 01:27:22 PM
....
Yo momma so big the probability of her center of mass being at an arbitrary point in a room is 1.

LOL!

Quote
Why was the mathematician so proud of the way he solved his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.

Ouch!  :o

Windigo

#132
July 04, 2013, 02:12:29 PM Last Edit: July 04, 2013, 02:25:56 PM by Windigo
Quote from: bayonetbrant on July 04, 2013, 01:26:13 PM
Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Phillip Glass

if you said this while camping... i would try and affect serious bodily harm on you

that Phil is a serious messing of anyone's zen
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know.

besilarius

#133
July 04, 2013, 02:23:38 PM
Brant, you do know that one never says "Repeat" on radio nets?
The results can ruin your whole day.
"Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out until too late that he's been playing with two queens all along".  Terry Pratchett.

During filming of Airplane, Leslie Nielsen used a whoopee cushion to keep the cast off-balance. Hays said that Nielsen "played that thing like a maestro"

Tallulah Bankhead: "I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me."

"When all other trusts fail, turn to Flashman." — Abraham Lincoln.

"I have enjoyed very warm relations with my two husbands."
"With your eyes closed?"
"That helped."  Lauren Bacall

Master Chiefs are sneaky, dastardly, and snarky miscreants who thrive on the tears of Ensigns and belly dancers.   Admiral Gerry Bogan.

bayonetbrant

#134
July 04, 2013, 02:26:35 PM
oh yeah - I had to drill that into a few E5's heads.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers
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