Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

Started by bayonetbrant, January 31, 2012, 01:01:37 PM

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Atilla60

#255
June 26, 2014, 03:41:48 PM
Learning English pro-nun-sia-sion  :)

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.
- Sir Winston Churchill -

Martok

#256
June 27, 2014, 01:14:58 PM Last Edit: June 27, 2014, 03:03:39 PM by Martok
Ha!  That was good. 


Not that I'm in any position to make fun.  I'm only too aware that I likely would similarly make a fool of myself (and in a similar situation) were I to try speaking a different language.  ::) 



(EDIT:  Was missing a crucial adverb...) 
"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

Barthheart

#257
June 30, 2014, 12:29:16 PM
This ones fer bob......  ;D

bob48

#258
June 30, 2014, 01:35:37 PM
ROFL
'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers'

'Clip those corners'

Recombobulate the discombobulators!

BanzaiCat

#259
August 14, 2014, 09:44:03 AM
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

bayonetbrant

#260
October 01, 2014, 05:41:25 AM
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

LongBlade

#261
October 01, 2014, 10:14:57 AM
 :)
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

Martok

#262
October 01, 2014, 03:12:41 PM
Bwahaha!! 
"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

bayonetbrant

#263
October 01, 2014, 03:31:19 PM Last Edit: October 01, 2014, 03:41:12 PM by bayonetbrant
QuoteYou can't get CliffsNotes for Game of Thrones because Cliff was beheaded in episode 4.

QuoteCalling it eBola and telling teens they can contract it just by going online.

QuoteIf a tree falls in the woods, a lumberjack take it to the paper mill, and it eventually becomes a software manual, did anyone read it?

QuoteMy Anna don't want none unless you wanna build a snowman, hun.

QuoteMy coworker's daughter is 11 and she and her 2 friends are going as the Kardashians for Halloween in case you thought you failed as a parent
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#264
October 01, 2014, 03:44:20 PM
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bob48

#265
October 01, 2014, 04:22:01 PM
My 9 year old nephew got me with this one recently;

Q: What wobbles as it flies through the air?

A: A jellycopter.
'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers'

'Clip those corners'

Recombobulate the discombobulators!

bayonetbrant

#266
October 01, 2014, 04:58:02 PM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on October 01, 2014, 03:44:20 PM
at least 50% of the stuff here:
https://twitter.com/hashtag/TweetAtYourself10YearsAgo?src=hash


There's a bunch of *really* funny stuff from CJ Nitkowski. Even funnier if you remember him pitching
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#267
October 20, 2014, 08:10:33 AM
An older, balding, white haired, duck hunter from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something a little more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check.

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Martok

#268
October 20, 2014, 08:36:26 AM
Hahahaha! 
"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

bob48

#269
October 20, 2014, 10:33:05 AM
A sailor finally gets shore leave after many months at sea. First stop is a bar and a substantial in-take of falling down water.

Next stop is to find a 'Lady of Negotiable Affections' and, since he s in a seaport, he has little trouble in finding one that suits his needs.

Back to her room they go, and very soon he is on the job. Thinking, in his somewhat inebriated state, he is really giving her a treat, since she is moaning and giggling constantly, he asks her, 'how am I doing, baby?'

She replies, 'well, sailor boy, you're doing about 3 knots'

'Oh' says he, 'what do you mean?'

To which she relies;

'You're not hard, you're not in, and you're not getting your money back'
'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers'

'Clip those corners'

Recombobulate the discombobulators!
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