Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

[bayonetbrant]

A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pygmy standing beside a very large dead beast...

Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy answered, "Yes."

The hunter then asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

Said the pygmy, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

[Martok]

Ha!  Clever. 

[bayonetbrant]

[Martok]

Ha, most of those were pretty good.  I especially loved the Bruce Willis rock, the Autobots march, and the tree punishment at the end.  Well done! 

[besilarius]

Six guys were playing poker when O'Malley loses $500 on a single hand. He clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. O'Hara looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Casey, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Casey walks over to the O'Malley house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Casey says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Casey says, "I'll tell him."

[LongBlade]

Six guys were playing poker when O'Malley loses $500 on a single hand. He clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. O'Hara looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Casey, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Casey walks over to the O'Malley house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Casey says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Casey says, "I'll tell him."

<chuckle>

[besilarius]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[Martok]

Those last two jokes are comedy gold, bes.  O0  Thanks for sharing them! 

[besilarius]

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips."What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie."I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles, and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up. Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." He tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts."Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie."I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "Pierre, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"Pierre stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[Staggerwing]

Laff! Groan! Laff!

[Martok]

I have to admit, I did not see that punchline coming.  :o  ;D 

[bayonetbrant]

An old woman who had made her fortune was lonely, so she decided to put an ad in the paper looking for a boyfriend. The ad read: Older Woman seeks Man. Must not hit me...Must not run around on me... Must still be good in bed.

A few days passed and no one responded to the ad. One afternoon the doorbell rang. She went to the door to find an old man in a wheel chair with no arms or legs. She asked, "May I help you?" The old man said, "I'm here about your ad."

The woman looked at him confused and said, "You can't be serious...you have no arms!" To which the man replied, "So I can never hit you."

She said, "Well that may be true but you have no legs!" The man smirked and said, "Then I can never run around on you."

Then with a sly grin the old woman looked down on her would be suitor and asked, "Are you still good in bed?"

The man just leaned back with a beaming smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Martok]

LOL!  Good one, brant.  O0 

[besilarius]

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old Rooster. As the old Rooster could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young Rooster from the market and puts it in the pen with the old Rooster and the hens...

Old Rooster: "Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity."

Young Rooster: "What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired."

Old Rooster: "Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some?"

Young Rooster: "No! Not even one, all of them will be mine."

Old Rooster: "In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all."

Young Rooster: "Okay. What kind of competition?"

Old Rooster: "50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards."

Young Rooster: "No problem! We race tomorrow morning."

Confidently, the following morning, the Young Rooster allows the Old Rooster to start off and when the Old Rooster crosses the 10-yard mark, the young Rooster chases him with all his might.

He was right behind the old Rooster in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old Rooster, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, "Damn. That's the fifth gay rooster I bought this week."

[Barthheart]