Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

[besilarius]

Did Star or Mirth say this first?

[Barthheart]

[bayonetbrant]

[Staggerwing]

That is frakkin' funny

[bayonetbrant]

twitter quips tonight

Donald Trump said if Ivanka weren't his daughter he'd date her. I feel like I should add something to this to make it my own joke but why?

Saw my GF's cat notice my GF checking out other cat pics online. Not gonna lie, it was awkward.

I want an Anna in the streets and an Elsa in the sleets.

My coworker's toddler just learned about the letter "A" so she's walking up to random people and greeting them as if she's the Fonz.

Jon Snow: I've had sex. With my girlfriend.
Guy: Sure, Jon. Who's your "girlfriend"?
Jon: You don't know her. She's from North of the Wall.

Stark Week, like Shark Week except way more people die.

My favorite part of Footloose is the end when we find out the town has been full of professional dancers all along.

We blew up FIFA, won in Amsterdam, won in Germany, and will win the WWC all in like one month. We're a soccer country now. It's happening.

Tweet tagging his wife on their anniversary

I can honestly say that these past 3 years have, without question, been the most recent years of my life.

FACT: Dellevadova, Shumpert, JR, Mike Miller, and Thompson were on the court at the same time in the NBA Finals. And their team was winning.

[Mr. Bigglesworth]

Heisenberg was pulled over by a cop, who asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" He replies "No, Officer, but I know where I am!"   :D

[bayonetbrant]

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

[bayonetbrant]

Remember that Adam and Eve had major marital problems caused by noncompliance with the Apple End User License Agreement.

[bayonetbrant]

A WWII Vet is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The old vet slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

[bayonetbrant]

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.
He was in a hospital, in agonizing pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function — and an absolutely stunning, gorgeous and sexy nurse hovering over him, looking worried. He realized he was in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"
And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.....!!!

[jejo68]

Yes, I have just lost my drivers license
I was stopped by police who claimed that I was drunk.
I assured them that I had not drunk anything, but they thought I should answer some questions to show if I was sober
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
- If you are driving on a dark road and meetings 2 light, what is it?
- A car.
- Yes, but it's a Mercedes, BMW or Audi?
- I do not know.
- So you're drunk.
- If you encounter 1 light, what is it?
- A motorcycle
- Yes, but it's a Honda, Kawasaki or a Harley?
- I do not know.
- So you're drunk!
Then I got mad and asked him:
- If you see a woman on a street corner, with net stockings, makeup and thigh length, what is it?
- A prostitute
- Yes but is it your daughter, mother or wife?
Since then I have no driver's license :))

[jejo68]

And found this pearl of wisdom on youtube

[gameleaper]

If you have lots of passwords and always forget them follow this - make all your passwords "incorrect" then when you enter the wrong password the website will prompt you with a message "your password is incorrect" :)

[bayonetbrant]

HUSBAND: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me?

WIFE: Of course I would sweetheart.

HUSBAND: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?

WIFE: Absolutely honey.

HUSBAND: If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair?

WIFE: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?

HUSBAND: I just sprained my wrist.....

[bayonetbrant]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...