Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

[BanzaiCat]

And you guys are complaining about me?!?

[GDS_Starfury]

we expect better from you.
Brant not so much.  ;)

[bayonetbrant]

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears" - Mark Antony, Julius Caesar
"Okay" - Vincent Van Gogh

[bayonetbrant]

some truly awesome twitterness out there lately...

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes "whoa".

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I'm in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named "Snake".

Polar Vortex is a cool name. I so wish I had had my son Fiscal Cliff this year instead of last.

Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef

I hope George R. R. Martin kills off Monday next.

[BanzaiCat]

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Oh, it makes them swell?

Girl: No, they spread.

[Windigo]

[Barthheart]

TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

[bob48]

OK - Now that IS funny.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

That one cracked me up.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


Yup!

[Windigo]

A Canadian Corporation

You have one good cow that is getting old.
You are in the process of aquiringing a new cow.

The aquisition process keeps getting delayed and no one can agree on what kind of cow to get.
The old cow suffers a fire and is no longer good for anything

[bayonetbrant]

Arabs to Russians:
"Stop sending surface to air missiles. Start sending us surface to aircraft missiles instead!"

[bayonetbrant]

A KC-135 is waiting to take off from an Air Force base in Greenland. Everything is done, the plane is ready for take off except the sewage system has to be emptied before they can go. The Commander of the bird is getting more and more upset when finally an Airman rides up next to the plane on a tug with Petunia in tow and begins lackadaisicaly setting it up. The Colonel begins yelling at the Airman to hurry up and generally chewing him out. The Airman holds up his hand and says, "Excuse me sir, it's 130 in the morning, I have no stripes, I'm in Greenland, and I'm pumping s**t out of your airplane, what more can you do to me?" The Colonel shakes his head and gets in the plane to wait.

[bayonetbrant]

Captain Roberts ran the local Army recruiting station. As part of their pitch, all his recruiters were supposed to try and sell incoming recruits on the GI supplemental insurance package. Most had mixed success, but one of his recruiters, Sgt. Johnson, managed to sell the package to every single recruit he handled.

Curious as to what dynamite sales technique Johnson was using, Roberts decided to sit in on one of his recruiting sessions.

"Son," Johnson said to the new recruit, "If you sign up for the GI supplemental life insurance package, the Army will pay a $50,000 death benefit to your family should you pass away. Without the package, if you die the Army will only have to pay a $500 death benefit and for a burial in a military cemetery."

"Now, keeping that in mind, who do you think the Army will send into combat first?"

[bayonetbrant]

One of the bull elephants was feeling frisky, and so the emblem of his bullhood was extended. A young boy happened to notice and asked his mother what that long thing was. "That's his trunk," she said. "No, I mean on the other end," he replied. She got flustered at that point and said, "Oh, it's nothing."

Not being satisfied with such an answer, he turned to his father. His father said, "That's his penis, son." The boy said "That's what I thought. But Mom said it was nothing." His father replied, "Well, your mother is a bit spoiled about such things."

[bayonetbrant]

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

[bayonetbrant]