Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

[Martok]

@Windy:  LOL at the Queen's Message.  I cackled especially loudly reading the provisions regarding beer and JFK.  8) 

Yup, that's about right. 

[bayonetbrant]

After the part where we read that Andie Macdowell's attempt at an english
accent in that Tarzan movie thing was so bad that all her lines had to be
overread by an Actress rather than some pretty girl from Kentucky or wherever.

Yep, over-dubbed by another American (Glenn Close)...

[Longdan]

An Actress

[bob48]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But for real peace and quiet, chew garlic.

[mirth]

The Ultimate Top 25 Chuck Norris "The Programmer" Jokes

1. When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.
2. All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
3. Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
4. Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
5. Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.
6. Chuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
7. Chuck Norris's first program was kill -9.
8. Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
9. All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
10. MySpace actually isn't your space, it's Chuck's (he just lets you use it).
11. Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions...and have them return.
12. Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
13. The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
14. Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
15. Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations...ever.
16. Chuck Norris doesn't use web standards as the web will conform to him.
17. "It works on my machine" always holds true for Chuck Norris.
18. Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
19. Chuck Norris doesn't do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
20. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
21. Chuck Norris's beard can type 140 wpm.
22. Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
24. Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
25. When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message "Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?".

http://codesqueeze.com/the-ultimate-top-25-chuck-norris-the-programmer-jokes/

[LongBlade]

Some of those are funny.

[mirth]

It probably should have just been a top ten list, but yeah some of them are pretty good.

[bayonetbrant]

Trojan Horse Warning

TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org> RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector,

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks, Laocoon

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.

It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

[bayonetbrant]

The many uses of Vaseline:

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

[bayonetbrant]

A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any bread?"

And the barman says "No"

And the duck says "Got any bread?"

And the barman "No"

"Got any bread?"

"I said, N-O NO!"

"Got any bread?"

"For cryin' out loud - N O spells NO and I mean NO!!"

"Got any bread?"

"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!"

"Got any bread?"

"Look, if you ask me one more time if I've got any bread, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!! WE HAVE NO BREAD!!!"

"Got any nails?"

"No!"

"Got any bread?"

[bayonetbrant]

I was deplaning the other day when a young boy approached and asked me, "If big birds make little birds and big squirrels make little squirrels, how come big planes don't make little planes?" Not knowing what to tell him, I directed him to the group of attendants behind us, where he was told that's because Delta pulls out in time.

[bayonetbrant]

Two antennas meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

[bayonetbrant]

After Noah built the Ark and survived the Great Flood, God appeared to him and asked him to build another Ark seven decks high.

"Another Ark, my Lord? Am I to fill it with 2 of every creature again?".

God replied "No, you will fill it with fish".

"Ah", said Noah "a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

[bayonetbrant]

A cowboy comes into a bar wearing only newspapers. It wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling ...

[bayonetbrant]

Q: How do you cure bedwetting?
A: With an electric blanket.