Always try to look at the bright side...

[Tuna]

Sorry for your loss. I lost  my old man when I  was 20, back in 1981. Always  bummed I didn't  get to know him as an adult.  Also sucked that he died at 67, didn't get to enjoy retirement  after working hard all his life.

[IICptMillerII]

My sincere condolences for your loss. Losing someone you care about is extremely hard. Losing a parent is exponentially more so. I hope you are able to take some level of comfort in your family, especially your children. Those little rugrats have mystical healing properties!

On a more upbeat note, that's a great collection of old manuals you have! There's something great about getting a large, physical copy of a manual for a serious game/sim that I really miss nowadays. Sure many wargames come with well put together PDFs which are very convenient in their own way, but they lack the charm of a physical copy.
When I first got the game Star Wars Jedi Knight 2 Jedi Outcast I also got the strategy guide, which ended up being the reference that allowed me to complete the game. Plus it came with a pretty cool wall poster. The guide has since gone missing despite my trying to hang onto it over the years.

Keep all those manuals safe!

[AchillesLastStand]

So very sorry for your loss, prayers to you during this difficult time.

[em2nought]

Sorry about your dad.

[88mmkwk]

Sincere condolences on the loss of your father.  Losing a father that you loved but were not as close as desired can bring a complicated mixed bag of emotions...

My father and my mother never married, and I did not see my father much growing up.  My mother was very bitter toward him and directed that anger toward me growing up.  He would pop in to town occasionally and then disappear again for a couple of years.  I did spend a year living with him during high school, but that's where I learned first hand that he never really had any interest in being a father to me (I was an "oops" baby).  After that year, I did not see him again until I got married, where I later learned he and my mom bet $1000 that our marriage wouldn't last a year (we've now been married 32 years).  A couple of years after that, I got a phone call from him that he was 6 hours away in his car and he said "I'm coming to live with you...".  After several tense months of him sharing our 1-bedroom apartment, he proceeded to file bankruptcy at my address (and we have the same name) and then moved out.  That stunt caused me significant credit problems for years, and we again fell out of touch. Several years later he developed emphysema from his smoking - a terrible suffocation path that I would wish on no one.  I still called him occasionally and put his grand kids on the phone to chat with him, but the emphysema made talking difficult.  He eventually went into the hospital where he passed away, and I found out from his health care case worker after the fact he was hospitalized.

With his having been gone for nearly a decade now, my honest emotions are that I don't miss him.  What I do feel is a deep sense of sadness that whatever demons he had prevented him from having or possible even knowing how to have a rich loving relationship with his son.  The anger at him has faded, and I actually feel pity for his life and I don't think his ego ever let him reflect and know what the joys of a close family member relationship could have been.  I'm also glad that he is not suffering through emphysema anymore.

I only write the above to provide some input on the emotions and feelings when a father you were not close with passes.  I hope that there are sufficient warm memories with your dad that will be the treasures you hold onto when you reflect on him down the road.  Regardless of how your healing journey goes, don't beat yourself up for being honest with your emotions, even if they are not what you wished they were.  Forgiveness, peace and warm emotions are wonderful salves on a heart going through what you are dealing with now.

Sincere condolences and wishes for a peaceful journey of emotional healing for you....

[Jarhead0331]

^Thanks for sharing that 88mmkwk. Very insightful and appreciated.

[trek]

Hey JH,
Just got back into town and saw your post and I've read all the comments. Life never ceases to amaze me. I just came back from Myrtle Beach SC from a visit with one of my three remaining lifelong friends who's just been diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and I get back home and then see your post about your Dad.

I don't know if you remember our PM's we exchanged awhile back but I told you about how I took my Dad on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe and revisited his war experiences 40 years later in Normandy and the Hurtgen Forest in Belgium just four years before he died from leukemia. I got to talk a lot to him in those 16 days of our trip but even with all of that there were questions I wished I had asked and for some reason never did. So, don't ever beat yourself up about things you may have left unsaid with your Dad or the time you may or may not have spent with him.

My daughter is 42 now and I remember a conversation I had with her when she was 8 or 9 years old and she was having a hard time with some of her schoolmates in school. I told her that the hardest thing I think about life and growing up is "just being yourself." In other words staying true to yourself. I told her that psychiatrist'offices are full of people who don't know who they are or are trying to be someone they're not.

I was never like anyone in my family as I had more of a "world view" than they did and I always felt out of place to a certain extent. I guess what I'm getting at here is that if you are your own person and if your parents are too then you're going to have conflicts and they may never be resolved. Just accept that and go on with your life. If you can get closer to your Mom and help her more that will be great but don't ever do it if it affects you and your family's well being. My mother was basically a "toxic parent" and after my Dad died I tried to help her but she was destroying me and my family so I had to cut off my relationship. Doesn't sound like your Mom is anything like mine at all and that you just rub each other the wrong way at times.

Anyway, I hope your whole family gets closer from this and enjoys the coming years in happiness.

[trek]

Just noticed my typo in my post: I meant to say Normandy, Belgium and the Huertgen Forest in Germany. And sorry for the loss of your Dad.