Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

Started by bayonetbrant, January 31, 2012, 01:01:37 PM

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Dolan50

#225
March 13, 2014, 10:18:35 AM Last Edit: March 13, 2014, 10:25:07 AM by Dolan50

SHIT HAPPENS
Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
•Taoism: Shit happens.
•Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
•Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
•Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
•Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
•Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
•Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
•Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
•Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
•Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
•Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
•Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
•Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
•Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
•Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
•Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
•Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
•Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
•Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
•Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
•Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
•Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
•Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
•Creationism: God made all shit.
•Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
•Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
•Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
•Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
•Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
•Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
•Darwinism: This shit was once food.
•Capitalism: That's MY shit.
•Communism: It's everybody's shit.
•Feminism: Men are shit.
•Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
•Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
•Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
•Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
•Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
•Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
•Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
•Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
•Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
•Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
•Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
•Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
•Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
•Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
•Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
•Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
•Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
•Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
•Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
•Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
•Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
•Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
•Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
•Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
•Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
•Atheism: What shit?
•Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
•Nihilism: No shit.
•Narcisism: I am the shit!


•And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous:  Shit happens-one day at a time!




A Corporate Executive,a Democrat and a Republican walk into a room.The CEO walks in first and notices 10 cookies on a plate and pockets 9 of them,then turns to the Republican and whispers in his ear  and says "The Democrat is trying to steal your cookie".

Dolan50

#226
March 13, 2014, 01:29:05 PM
Getting Caught Masturbating in the Future


LOL
A Corporate Executive,a Democrat and a Republican walk into a room.The CEO walks in first and notices 10 cookies on a plate and pockets 9 of them,then turns to the Republican and whispers in his ear  and says "The Democrat is trying to steal your cookie".

Windigo

#227
March 13, 2014, 01:43:37 PM
not going to shott the tank
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know.

bayonetbrant

#228
March 14, 2014, 12:01:58 PM
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#229
March 23, 2014, 01:58:07 PM
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#230
March 23, 2014, 01:58:23 PM
Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied "It very much depends on the position".
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#231
March 23, 2014, 02:00:10 PM
there are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets



There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure



A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light"



The first rule of Tautology club, is the first rule of Tautology club.

The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Martok

#232
March 23, 2014, 02:34:52 PM
Argh.  Save me from literal humor... 




Quote from: bayonetbrant on March 23, 2014, 01:58:23 PM
Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, "Which do you prefer: chess or sex?".

Spassky replied "It very much depends on the position".
Heh!  Good one. 

"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

TheCommandTent

#233
March 23, 2014, 05:35:28 PM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on March 23, 2014, 02:00:10 PM
there are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets



There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure



I like those. :)

I've always liked tripping people up with this one.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who can read binary and those who cannot.
"No wants, no needs, we weren't meant for that, none of us.  Man stagnates if he has no ambition, no desire to be more than he is."

bayonetbrant

#234
March 28, 2014, 07:35:47 PM
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#235
March 28, 2014, 07:36:31 PM
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#236
March 28, 2014, 07:36:42 PM
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#237
March 28, 2014, 07:38:37 PM
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

#238
April 02, 2014, 02:34:16 PM
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Dolan50

#239
April 02, 2014, 04:24:01 PM
Laziness is the mother of invention.  :)
A Corporate Executive,a Democrat and a Republican walk into a room.The CEO walks in first and notices 10 cookies on a plate and pockets 9 of them,then turns to the Republican and whispers in his ear  and says "The Democrat is trying to steal your cookie".
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